Recently I left my husband because he was physically, verbally, emotionally abusive. I have a child from a previous marriage and am pregnant with his child. I met him a year ago and we fell deeply in love. He was everything I ever thought I needed and wanted in a man. When I look back on things, I can now see glimpses of his controlling behavior even early on. However, rose colored glasses will mask a lot of things. After I moved away from family /friends with him his behavior became even worse. He would say mean things about my son and even pushed my son once really hard and he fell and hit the wall. He has repeatedly physically done things to me that were hurtful and I am disabled so it is difficult if not impossible to fight back. The last straw for me was him throwing me off the couch, and then when I tried to leave he took my purse, phone, cut off the house phone, shredded my debit card, etc. I left the next chance I could get when he was gone.

I filed an order of protection on him, I did dismiss the charges because I didn't want it to hurt his career. I made a deal with his attorney that he would not speak to me or my family. I moved away and am pretty sure he has moved out of where we were residing. One of the agreements was for him to enter into anger management / counseling. The only communication is between his attorney. I know he is very angry for me going forward and telling people about him. I do really love him, care about him, and want to seek some sort of counseling with him. We are not speaking now, however, as I mentioned. I don't know if he even would consider speaking with me and don't even know deep down if that is the right thing to do. I don't know how to start a dialogue with him to see where he stands. His lawyer did say during the process right after everything happened that protecting his career was the most important thing right now to him. That does tell me I am not at the top prority nor is this child, but my heart is so empty and broken. When he was acting normal he was really good to me.
Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi rollerchic35,

I am sorry that you are having to go through this. It is painful, but you will be stronger and wiser for it in time. It is normal for you to feel broken right now. The dream you had of a wonderful marriage and family has been altered. You had nothing to do with that.

You may love him in some ways, but that is not enough to be life partners with him. You can care about what happens to him without having to be in a relationship with him anymore than what will be necessary regarding the child you will have together.

Given his history, and that is all you have to go on, it might be best to just leave things alone. Do not try to engage him in conversation.

I know it is tempting to want to try and make peace with him, but that won't be possible unless he truly wants it. It has to come from him. He will have to make the first move if he decides to make some changes to improve his behaviour.

Keep all communication through the attorneys. It is quite likely that any direct communication from you will be met with more verbal abuse, and possibly more physical abuse. Anger is at an all time high right now. Expect things to get worse before they get better.

In time, when all of the proceedings are settled, and wounds have had a chance to heal, maybe you will be able to reconnect in a friendly manner. Quite frankly, I would count my blessings to be out of an extremely dangerous relationship and focus on taking care of myself, my children, and building a new life away from him. Think of this as your chance to build the life you would like to have. In time, that may include someone new who treats you as your should be treated.

Be very careful when your child is born to ensure the safety of everyone involved. I'm sure you don't believe he would harm his child, but then I bet you also believed that he wouldn't harm you either.

Take care of yourself, surround yourself with family and friends.

Thank you so much, it is so helpful to hear an unbiased opinion. You are right, this is extremely difficult but I know I will come through this stronger one day.

You love him and naturally you may want some communication, but you have a son and a baby on the way to think about and protect.
The only communication should be with his attorney.
It does not appear that you or his child is a priority with him, so I would remain weary. Keep your distance.