holding a child back, pros and cons

NowWhat · Apr 20, 2007, 09:16 AM

Hello. I need some advice from those who have been there - done that or not done that.

Here is my situation.
My daughter is 6 years old and is in the first grade. She has a summer birthday and so she is a very young first grader. She made our cut off by 2 weeks when she started kindergarten. The school is now talking about holding her back from moving on to the 2nd grade because her reading skills are not at the appropriate level. They think it is strictly an age thing. They do not think she has a learning disability. They think she is academically immature. They are putting a "team" together that is going to sit down with us and have a talk about what should happen next.
However, she is excelling at everything else. We do not want her to be held back and have expressed that to her teacher. We do know that whatever decision is made - it will be ours in the end.
She reads to us every night and then we read to her. We have hired a tutor for her this summer. She is currently in a special reading class at school - but we are pulling her out because she has not improved and some of the things they teach are actually hindering her performance in other areas.

I believe it will do more harm than good to hold her back - socially and mentally.

I guess my question is - have you held your kid back? Are you happy you did? Were you faced with the option and chose not to? Are you happy with that decision?
I am sure our minds are made up - but I would like some feed back from those who have been in our shoes.

NowWhat · May 11, 2007, 02:59 PM

Well, I thought I would give an update on the situation. We had our meeting today at school. Her teacher, the principal, the special ed teacher and the school counselor were all there.
They told us that she is basically immature. That she is inconsistent, needs extra time to complete work and can not work independantly.
They also said that they feel that she not only could be a good student, but a GREAT student that would shine in multiple areas. (That made me feel good)
They do not think she has any kind of disability. They attribute her "weaknesses" on being young and immature.
They said that if we could give her the chance to grow up a little more - that she is going to be fantastic. If not, she will always be playing catch up. And that is something I do not want for her.

So, we haven't made the decision yet, we are going to talk it through this weekend. But it was a good meeting overall.
I just hope my husband heard everything that was said and try to be positive.
I am actually excited at the prospect of this - I look at it as an opportunity and not something bad.

NowWhat · May 16, 2007, 02:35 PM

**Another Update**

We have made a decision! Yea, us!

We have both decided that the best thing to do is to hold her back in 1st grade.
I let the school know and she will have the same teacher as this year. We really like her and she already knows us, the strengths and weaknesses of our daughter and knows where she left off.

Now, we just have to tell her. Again, my husband and I have two different opinions. I believe that if blame is to be laid - it falls on us 100%. She didn't fail. All of her "problems" stem from us sending her to school to soon. A decision she had nothing to do with.
He thinks she should bear some of the "responsiblity". I think it is hog wash! But, we have all summer to come together on this. He still is wrapped up the stigma of "oh she FAILED". If anyone failed - we did.

But, she is getting a clean slate and is going to do wonderful!

NeedKarma · May 16, 2007, 02:47 PM

I'll agree with your decision too NW. My daughter is also 6 years old but a January birthday. She is in kindergarten now due to the cutoff and we definetely see the benefits of that as compared to some of the younger kids. Your decision to do it now while she's young will mean that'll be a distant memory for her sooner than later. And she'll enjoy the feeling of success in the grades to come.
Good luck!

NowWhat · Jun 8, 2007, 11:51 AM

*Yet another update*

Well, I told her our decision. We had said that we weren't going to tell her until this school year is over. We have been done for a week - today.
She kept saying how proud everyone is going to be that she is no a "2nd grader"

I felt like I was lying to her by not saying anything. I just sat her down and told her. The first thing she did was put her head down and started to cry. It broke my heart.
I tried my best to explain - putting ALL of the responsibilty on me and my husband - that we had made the mistake of sending her to soon. That she is going to be able to do really well on things that may have been hard and frustrating for her this year.
When she found out that she would have the same teacher, she said she didn't want to learn the same things over and that she would be bored. I have done my best to reassure her. Towards the end of the conversation - she stopped crying and asked for strawberries. Kids do bounce back! That was 3 days ago and she has only brought it up once and it was positive.
She hasn't said anything to anyone else to make us believe that this bothers her.
So, I hope we made the right choice. I am sure we did. The hard part is over and I can breathe for the rest of the summer.

LDGrandma · Aug 16, 2007, 06:16 PM

This is an age old question that began when schools got federal funds for holding children back. Between kindergarten and 1st grade they wanted to hold my daughter back (1983) because she was not reading according to them. I pulled all her grades and she was making good grades so they said she should be held back because she was socially immature. We read to her all summer and insisted that she go to first grade. They said but the money has already been allocated. She went to first grade and graduated at age 17 with college classes already under her belt. Great student grade wise but she paid a price for that. For the 1st weeks of 1st grade she went to the principles office everyday because her teacher help saying she belonged in the pre 1st grade. That teacher left to have a baby and the next teacher saw her protential and gave her the chance she and we wanted.

Maybe it was because that first teacher made her feel dumb that she worked so hard. Maybe it was because that second teacher gave her a chance. Maybe she was just going to do the work. No ones knows what causes a child to succeed under these conditions. Just as you are wondering if it is the right thing to do and not knowing, neither did we.

Each child should be given the chance like you husband said to prove they can make it. They should not be a dollar sign for the school.

Also the younger they get them the more influence they have on them. The longer they have them the more influence they have on them. The school system that is.

I wish you the best of luck but if I had it to do over again, I would do the same thing. Let her go forward.

Believe me I wish I could tell everyone don't become a dollar sign for the school. Do not make you children think they are smart because they go to school for 13 years. Let them me what they were meant to be.

None of the research that prove it is good to hold them back shows the social probelms that it causes. They believe that children will not be cruel and say you are a dumbie because you were held back or say I could be smart too if I went to school 13 years.

NowWhat · Aug 16, 2007, 06:24 PM

Thanks for your input. We have decided to hold her back and are comfortable with that decision. We have under 2 weeks to go before school starts back.
I have struggled with this decision and hope that we are doing the right thing. I guess only time will tell.

NowWhat · Nov 17, 2007, 03:15 PM

**SCHOOL HAS STARTED UPDATE**

Okay, School has started and we went for our first teacher conference last Thursday.

I wasn't expecting anything bad. Homework is a breeze. She is reading really well and all of her tests come home with 100%. I have not regretted my decision AT ALL.

I was not expecting what the teacher said - nothing bad - it EXCEEDED my expectations.

She is doing so good that the teacher is afraid she is going to get bored so she will get some more challenging work. At the end of first grade they want the kids to be at a level H in reading. She is already at a level G.
The teacher is going to be giving her and 3 others chapter books to start reading.

Above all, her confidence and maturity level are so much better. Her teacher says she is in the top of her class. No more struggling!!

NeedKarma · Nov 17, 2007, 03:35 PM

After reading the stuff that happens on this board it's so refreshing to hear good news now and then. Congrats! The positive attitude around your household will surely carry over to other aspects of your lives.



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