Hello. I need some advice from those who have been there - done that or not done that.

Here is my situation.
My daughter is 6 years old and is in the first grade. She has a summer birthday and so she is a very young first grader. She made our cut off by 2 weeks when she started kindergarten. The school is now talking about holding her back from moving on to the 2nd grade because her reading skills are not at the appropriate level. They think it is strictly an age thing. They do not think she has a learning disability. They think she is academically immature. They are putting a "team" together that is going to sit down with us and have a talk about what should happen next.
However, she is excelling at everything else. We do not want her to be held back and have expressed that to her teacher. We do know that whatever decision is made - it will be ours in the end.
She reads to us every night and then we read to her. We have hired a tutor for her this summer. She is currently in a special reading class at school - but we are pulling her out because she has not improved and some of the things they teach are actually hindering her performance in other areas.

I believe it will do more harm than good to hold her back - socially and mentally.

I guess my question is - have you held your kid back? Are you happy you did? Were you faced with the option and chose not to? Are you happy with that decision?
I am sure our minds are made up - but I would like some feed back from those who have been in our shoes.

Jesushelper76

Well the only solution to this. Is there any communicating of this possible choice to your daughter? Why not see if she understands the issue, not pulling her one way. Give her the option. See what she says. Maybe that will be the deciding factor?

Or another option is get the teacher to decide. I know not enough is given to the parents for decisions and they might have already told you it is your call. Why not leave the final decision to the teacher?

Just a couple of options that I thought of for you both to think about.

Joe

NowWhat

The teacher has given her recommendation. She thinks that our daughter should be held back. Not because of any other reason than our daughter is young. And she knows how we feel (or felt). She has excelled in every subject except reading this entire year. And we didn't feel that was enough to make her repeat the year. We have hired a tutor for the summer to get her caught up.
But now with the math scores on the decline and me knowing that it isn't going to get any easier - I am having second thoughts.

I have talked to her about this in casual conversation. (there are 4 kids in her class that were held back last year) And she said that she is to smart to be held back (her words) and wanted to know if one of the girls (her best friend) was dumb - was that the reason she was held back? I don't want her to think for a minute that she dumb - she isn't.

I don't think it is lack of communication on our part - we communicated very loudly tonight . We are talking about this - but we have totally different views.

Jesushelper76

It sounds like the daughter wants to move foward? If that is the case. Then maybe it is a good idea to let her go foward. That is just my opinion, but it counts for nothing. You guys are her parents. Hope you react an understanding some how but yes, for sure a decision needs to be made one way or another.

NowWhat

I guess I keep thinking - what if we are wrong. If we go my way or his and we are wrong. (I am the worrier in this relationship.) We don't pay the price - she does. I was so sure prior to 3 weeks ago. Now, with the meeting on friday coming, I just don't know. I don't want to make the wrong decision and there is no way of knowing until it is made.

And yes, she wants to move forward. All of her friends are - to her it is the natural order of things. I think she would be devastated to learn she had to repeat the 1st grade and I know that, so I have that playing in my head also.
AARGH! I am so confused.

krystal1973

Hello, You said that you were meeting with a special ed teacher. Is your child on an IEP, and what calls for the special ed teacher? I do want to mention that maybe your child is stuggling a little with the stress in your family with your husband etc. You mentioned her reading was a struggle this year. Reading is the foundation of all other subjects, although most children just learn to read in the first grade. During your meeting with the teachers you need to ask some very important questions before making a decision about retaining your child. You cannot ask specifically about the other kids, but you can ask how she did in comparison to the other children, you could also ask what the SCHOOL could do to help improve her reading and what things you could do at home to help.
Tell us more does your child have an IEP in place?
Also you mentioned that your husband says there are no do overs, but he is getting a second chance at his marriage isnt he? Just sounds odd.
I personally am not for retention, but there are special circumstances,etc.

NowWhat

You know, I almost said that about the do over thing to him tonight - but I was mad and didn't want to make it worse.

She doesn't have an IEP in place - they doen't think she has any learning disabilities - they think she is young. The special ed teacher is just part of the team we are meeting with. She has over 30 years experience and is a wonderful teacher, so I guess she can tell us how we can effectively reach our daughter. She seems to use her environment to learn.

When he and I were in the thick of things at the beginning of the year - she had some issues at school. Mostly that if she didn't want to do something - she would tell the teacher "I'm not doing it." It went on for a month or so. We talked to her about it and she got back on track.

We have known the entire year that she was behind in her reading - she couldn't read at all in the beginning. Now she reads Level 1 and 2 books. At the end of the year, though, she should be into level 3's and there is no way she is going to get there in less than a month. (Hince the tutor)
My husband is going into this meeting with his mind made up. I was too, until 3 weeks ago. Her teacher knows this and says this is just a formality meeting - to cover the school's butt.

Skell

It is a tough one and clearly something that is hard to come to a compromise on with your husband if he is hell bent on her moving on.

In my opinion i think you may have to trust your teachers judgment here and think seriously about holding her back, as you obviously are, but hubby isnt.

The teacher is with her every day in her learning environment and would be the best person to make the judgment on whether she needs another year to come to grips with what she is learning.

Could the reason be that your husband wont entertain the idea of her staying back be that he see;s it as some sort of failing in him / you as parents?

You even admit that she is having problems with some aspects of her learning. They arent going to slow down and wait for her next year either. She may fall further behind, or she may catch up.

It is obviously a tough decision for a parent and im sure i dont need to remind you that it should be made in the best interests of your daughter and no one else. I know you wouldnt need reminding of that NowWhat, but maybe your hubby does.

See what the meeting brings and please let us know!

NowWhat

Skell, You are inside my head! These are my points exactly! I don't want school to always be a struggle for her. And I think that we should see this as an opportunity to let her mature academically and once she does that - I think she is going to breeze through it. She is smart.

As strongly as I feel about this - that is how strongly he feels about it. So we are at different ends of the spectrum. And my daughter is in the middle.

It is so frustrating. we have to be united on this. At least, I think we do.

Skell

It is very tough. No doubt.

I think though that he is being a little more stubborn than you if he is completely dismissing what the teachers are advising.

There would be no ulterior motives behind what the teachers are advising. They don't stand to gain anything. They are only wanting what is best for your daughter.

What reasons does he have for being so stuck on her progressing?

And it is a lot better that she repeat now, than in 4 or 5 years time. That would be a very hard thing for her then compared to now i would think!

NowWhat

That is what I said - we can do it now and she can get her footing - or she will always be behind and struggling.

In 3rd grade the kids have to take a standardized reading test that tells the state where the kids are at. If the kids fail - the school loses funding. So - our school system has been known to hold kids back at this stage that are slow readers. In a way, the school does benefit.
He said that she needs to learn that you have to work hard to get where ever you are going in life. That you don't get do-overs. He thinks that if I work with her in the math and the tutor works in reading - she will be fine. He also doesn't think she applies herself at school. He said that if we hold her back that there will be no vacation this summer - because she shouldn't get rewarded for failing. (He was becoming a pain in my A$$) I told him he wasn't making sense and then the conversation was pretty much over.
He is set in his decision - he was before we even sat down with this.

I think he is potentially setting her up to fail by sending her on to 2nd grade. He just doesn't see it that way.