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Hello. I need some advice from those who have been there - done that or not done that.
Here is my situation.
My daughter is 6 years old and is in the first grade. She has a summer birthday and so she is a very young first grader. She made our cut off by 2 weeks when she started kindergarten. The school is now talking about holding her back from moving on to the 2nd grade because her reading skills are not at the appropriate level. They think it is strictly an age thing. They do not think she has a learning disability. They think she is academically immature. They are putting a "team" together that is going to sit down with us and have a talk about what should happen next.
However, she is excelling at everything else. We do not want her to be held back and have expressed that to her teacher. We do know that whatever decision is made - it will be ours in the end.
She reads to us every night and then we read to her. We have hired a tutor for her this summer. She is currently in a special reading class at school - but we are pulling her out because she has not improved and some of the things they teach are actually hindering her performance in other areas.
I believe it will do more harm than good to hold her back - socially and mentally.
I guess my question is - have you held your kid back? Are you happy you did? Were you faced with the option and chose not to? Are you happy with that decision?
I am sure our minds are made up - but I would like some feed back from those who have been in our shoes.
I guess I am just getting nervous. I knew what I wanted to do and why. Now that we are going to have to go in and face this team - I am asking myself "am I doing the right thing?" When it comes to her education - I get crazy - I worry ALOT. You wouldn't want to know me in August before the teacher list comes out. I worry if she has gotten the right teacher, is she to young, is she going to make friends - every possible thing you can think of - I worry!
We are planning a move to warmer weather - our house as been on the market for over a year now. Hopefully we will be gone before the next school year. If so, she will be held back. She would not have made the cut off down there - so she will be two years younger than her class mates. They have all day kindergarten where they are learning what she is now in 1st grade. We have the added "plus" that it will be easier for her to understand going to a new school why she has to stay in 1st grade. She will know that it is not because she is "stupid". There are about 4 kids in her class now that were held back last year. She is friends with one of them and just found out. She came home and asked me if this girl was stupid and if that is why she was held back. Of course I said No, that she just needed a little extra time getting ready for 2nd grade.
As a parent - I question everything I do. Am I doing the right thing? Am I feeding her the healthest meal? Have I chosen the best doctor? Etc. I don't want to make a mistake with my child's life. I have to get this right because I only get one chance.
Do I sound crazy? 'Cause I feel like that sometimes!
No, you do not sound crazy. You sound like a normal parent. We could get medals for worrying! You are trying to do the best possible for your daughter so that she will have success and feel good about her academics. What is more natural than that?
Your daughter is clearly not "stupid". She needs a boost, many children do. Many adults do! Wishing you the very best in the move and for your daughter and the new school system.
I was held back in the second grade myself for the same reasons. I felt much better being in a group that I was more evenly paired with! I still think about it now. It wasnt nice being the one bring up the rear, as opposed to leading the pack. It was life altering. It was a Great plan that Im sooooo glad my parents did. Otherwise it would have had me struggling every year in my studies. Also a grade at that age is not a problem but imagine if they decided to do it in my teen years! I officially say Lived it, LOVED IT!
Respectfully
Frank
I am with Frank here. I am now almost 43 and in college. I was one of the young ones in my class. My mother and I have discussed this over the years and she said she wished she had held me back in the early grades. I was too immature, too young, and struggled. Now I wish she had held me back. I never learned the proper study skills because I was too busy struggling just to make a C or D grade. I barely graduated and decided college was not for me because I thought I was too stupid then. Had I been given the chance at a young age (1st or 2nd grade) I may have gone to college at a8 rather than 38.
Your daughter is not stupid, and I am sure you know that. She just needs a little more time to adjust to school.
I notice that she is friends with one that was held back last year, does she think that girl is stupid? Probably not.
I know she isn't stupid - just the opposite - I think she is exteremly bright.
When she asked me about her friend - she used the word stupid. So, I am afraid that she will consider herself stupid. I mean, that is the term she associated with being held back.
Also, my husband is so confident that it would not be the right thing holding her back. And that is kind of how things go - he is 100% on what he feels and I am on the fence.
And like I said, I question EVERYTHING - where he is more relaxed and sure.
He will not entertain the thought of holding her back. He is sure it will do more damage than good - and that is a fear of mine.
He is sure it will do more damage than good - and that is a fear of mine.
What kind of damage? It can only do her good. Now holding her back in high school would be damaging, but not first grade.
Tell your daughter that stupid is a BAD word. Sheesh, I really hate that word and don't even allow it in my home or out of my children's mouths. Stupid is a bad and damaging word. Oh, I just shudder everytime I hear it because NO ONE NO MATTER WHAT is stupid.
Back to the subject
What kind of damage will it cause when she is 30? None. She will barely even remember first grade. I know I don't, do you?
If she is too immature to go on, it is best to hold her back now rather than in the hardest of the elementary grades (which is grade 3).
Understand that the teacher know what is best for her. They have their Masters Degrees in early elementary education and have had to take tons of hours in dealing with children her age. Seeing as many children as they see on a daily basis and over their years of experience, they know what to look for.
They are not suggesting this because they think she is not smart or just don't like her. They have a REASON.
My mother-in-law is a 4th grade teacher. She can tell the ones who have been held back (they are much brighter, get better grades, and are more mature and socialize better. She can also tell who has not been held back, but should have been. Then she has to discuss holding these children back. You don't want to hold her back in 4th grade, do you?
Go to the meeting set up, take a list of questions with you. These people are the ones who know your daughter best, actually they probably know her better than you in an academic sense. Follow their advice. Again, they have their reasons, and they are suggesting what is in the best interest of your daughter and her future education.
We think it would be damaging to her mentally and socially. She works very hard on her studies and gets good grades. Better than alot of the kids going on to 2nd grade. She wouldn't understand why she was being held back when she has been working hard all year and achieving the grades.
I agree with you on the word stupid. I have always told her it was a mean - ugly word. She has been introduced to almost a new vocabulary since she started school.
I just think that with getting the tutoring this summer - the help in the area that is the weakest - we can get her up to speed. She is improving now - she is 100 times better at reading than the 1st of the year.
I don't know that I agree with the statement that teachers know my child better than I.
We are very active in the school and take a active roll in her education. We are not the type of parents that sit back and let the teachers do all the work.
They may know the academic side - but, I know so much more of who my child is.
There are 23 kids in one classroom with one teacher. - it isn't possible to get that one on one time needed to really find out how a kid learns best.
I do know they have a wealth of knowledge and I look forward to this meeting and finding out ways to better help her. I am just not convinced that the only option is to hold her back.
It is very good that you are very connected to the school. I made that remark about the teachers knowing her better because some parents are just not involved. It is good to know that you are. But remember they do see her interact with her peers on a different level than you do. Children just do not act the same when their parents are around.
So, I did not mean it in quite the way it sounded.
Yes, having her involved with tutors is good. But if she is not developmentally ready to move ahead, don't push it because this is what you want or because there is a stigma involved with holding a child back.
Actually that stigma is beginning to turn the other direction. It is now more admirable to know when it is necessary to do the right thing and hold a child back if necessity indicates, than to move them just because of pure embarrassment.
I know, I am probably digging myself into a hole on this one, and many of you may disagree. But I held my daughter back because of issues such as this and it was by far the best thing I have ever done. My neice was held back in second grade, after being told in kindergarten and first that she should be held back then, it was the best thing my sister-in-law ever did for Molly. Molly is now in 3rd grade and reading at a 5th grade level.
Sometimes our babies are just not ready to move up. It does not mean they are failures, it does not mean that we are failures as parents. It just means that they need just a little extra time to adapt. They just need a little more nurturing. There is nothing wrong with that, in fact, of all the children I know who were held back (remember it used to be called failed, but not anymore) they are all flourshing because they were given the extra time to become proficient in EVERYTHING, not just their weaknesses.
Hi. I don't know if I have a question or just need to vent.
My husband and I are on the road to recovery after his affair. (if you are familar with me - then you know the story) We are doing really good. We are talking - communicating better.
We have a daughter that is in 1st grade. She is a young 1st grader - she made the cut off by 2 weeks. Her teacher/school wants to hold her back and let her repeat the 1st grade. We have a meeting scheduled for this week to talk to the teacher, principal and special ed teacher. (It's a "team" and everyone has to meet with them if retention is an issue) She is very bright and has done well this year but is behind in her reading skills. They think she is just young and is academically immature. Well, up until 3 weeks ago, my husband and I were on the same page about this issue. We were not going to hold her back. We are getting her a tutor this summer to catch her up and all should be fine. Well....her math is starting to slip. They are working on harder things and she just isn't getting it. So, I am worried. I am beginning to wonder if maybe we should hold her back. We are also planning a move down south and decided that she would be held back down there - because their cut off date is a 2 months before ours - so she would be in a class with older kids and be farther behind due to the school system.
My thoughts were to just take advantage of the opportunity and hold her back.
My husband says absouletly not. Will not even entertain it. He said that in life - we don't get do overs. Blah Blah Blah.
I am trying to get my point across and so is he. We can't seem to meet in the middle.
What do you do when there is no compromise? We either hold her back or not. THere is no middle ground. We got into an arguement this evening and nothing was resolved. I want to go into this meeting together on this subject - on way or the other.
Like I said - I don't know if there is a question here or not. I just don't know what to do. I have pleaded my case and told him all of the reasons why I want to hold her back and he just says NO.
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