[wallabee4]

When I get busy doing all that I have to do, I ask my kids something like, would you please empty the dishwasher, or would you unpack that pack of TP and stow it under the sink or would you take your dirty dishes off the table or would you pick up your underwear from the bathroom floor or would you practice you piano.

And I have made sure I got their attention (As I learned with them as toddler if they are engrossed in a toy, first I take the toy from their hands and then ask them once I have their attention.) It's not toys now, but I ask them and then I ask them to repeat back to me what I just asked to assure they heard me (to eliminate the excuse later that they didn't hear me). Then I move on. I am a 'single' mom with hubby away at work. I have a lot to get done, myself, whether it be lawn mowing or laundry or animal care or meal prep. I expect they'll do what I asked them to do and I shouldn't have to stand around micromanaging at this age. Wrongo, of course. Hours later I discover tasks still not done.

Sure, there are times when they are in the midst of doing something when I ask and they say they'll do it right after 'X' and I think, trying myself to be understanding at the same level I'd want someone to be with me, I allow for that. (Like if I'm in the midst of putting laundry on and my husband asks me to fetch him a screwdriver form the garage, I might tell him, 'right after I get this laundry going,' and mutually that's OK. But am I wrong to do this in parenting? Do I need to be bossier/less respectful of the kids concerns? I suppose I feel like respecting them will teach them to respect me. But what it seems to get me is walked all over by them.

Then there are times when I say, no, do it right now because later you'll forget. Then I get the heavy sigh and they begrudgingly do it.

But most often it is a short list of tasks (not just a one task to see them do right then and there) that I need to hand off to them for my day to accomplish what the family/home needs by end of day and I ask them to do these and I point out they should, manage their time properly and not save it all until bedtime when there's no time left to do them (And I don't play that game anymore--learned my lesson when they were smaller I'd give up and do the tasks after they went to bed, slaving away myself until late just to carve out some daily success and also not yield cranky tired kids. I wised up and realized that's what they expected-drag your feet and eventually mom'll do it) if it's undone at bedtime--which again takes more effort from me at bedtime to run around seeing what's left undone-- they still have to do it and lose sleep--although who suffers most? Me. With cranky sleepy kids in the morning.) and even put up sticky notes to remind them and keep them focused. None of that helps.

What can I do to finally lighten my work load both in asking for tasks, getting them done consistently and in a timely fashion--like the dishwasher emptied before supper dishes need to go in or dirty clothes picked up and into hamper before laundry day--and not needing to spend more time running around to see what's not done and coming up with consequences?

I already have a chart for consequences for some tasks undone: if your bathroom isn't cleaned you get no TV and now for 3 weeks they've happily gone without TV and I still suffer their completely scummy bathroom. I feel like they're waiting out Mom's tolerance level for scum, but I absolutely refuse this time to ever again clean their bathroom. I've taught them how, now it's up to them. Their tolerance level is much higher than mine and daily that drives me bananas, of course! I also told them if it ain't in the hamper it ain't getting washed (previously I'd give them the chance to collect clothes on wash day, now I just go do what's in the hamper and they do without if it's not in). Which humorously had my daughter wake early one morning when I was doing wash to suddenly scurry about her room picking up favorite clothes she needed washed just in the nick of time and amazingly thoughtfully she also ran to do her sleeping brother's room, too. I praised her thoughtfulness and recognition of her responsibility.

I recognize this is my inconsistent parenting/learning along the way and hope to hear from someone who has already invented the wheel I need.

Do I need to praise more heavily on the times they do do it right or do I need more consequences for the lack of efforts? Help!

[Gernald]

Having been a teenager not that long ago.. I'd say both praise and consequences make a good balance.

My dad was crazy strict with my sisters and I. If we didn't do something we knew it. He would yell for hours. Now I'm not saying that's how to go about doing it but maybe some sterness is required. One thing about laundry that did help us to not only pick our clothing up (more my sister) and to do our laundry was that if it sat for more than a week he would put it in a trash bag and donate it to a shelter. We started doing our own laundry at 7... maybe your kids would actually take initiative if they have nothing to wear. Again he was a bit extreme but maybe if you threatened it and then hid the bag so they don't have anything else they would realize that they don't deserve to wear the clothing you pay for if they can't help keep it nice.
TV is one thing to be banned from but if you really want to get them where it hurts I'd try banning the computer too and require that they sit at the kitchen table every night for an allotted time either studying or doing some school oriented activity... not only is it boring as anything but it's kind of like detention and they'd at least be doing school work.
Rewards are always helpful too. I don't know if you give an allowance but, maybe if you make the list of chores and assign a price to each chore say $10 for cleaning the bathroom on time and -$1 for every day it goes undone or times you have to ask they would at least do it for the money. And as pre-teens would have some sense of I earned this money when they go to spend it. This also helps because if they want to do anything with their friends you've already given them money and they like in the real world will have to decide to spend it or save it.

I think with any set of teenagers you're going to run into these problems. Even the best behaved kids have there moments. They're still young too... as they get older I think you'll find them more independent and helpful as they're able to understand empathy. Understand also that sometimes they're just not going to want to listen. My dad- though I love him tons- hardly ever noticed the good things we did he always saw what we didn't do so I can't emphasize enough to make sure you appreciate their efforts.

Good luck though it sounds like you're doing an awesome job.

[Wondergirl]

I'm thinking that you should be more organized so the kids know exactly what to do and what to expect. By that I mean, have a family meeting with your job list in hand and divvy up the jobs. Each child is assigned or volunteers for x number of specific jobs for a week. (Susie empties full wastebaskets into white Glad trash bag stored in mud room. Susie empties dishwasher after running it through the cycle and puts away clean dishes.) Then have another meeting and divvy up the jobs again.

Chart all this and mark successfully completed jobs. At that family meeting, you will have discussed reasonable and appropriate rewards and punishments (with children's input -- kids are actually harder on themselves than you would be).

Try this for a month and then evaluate if the work is getting done and the kids are cooperating.