[Romefalls19]

Ok, first off. This question isn't for me as it is for my girlfriend. She would like to know how to break her kids away from being so clingy. They are constantly following her around, knocking at her door. She will be getting changed and in a matter of 5 minutes they knock at least 4 times. She knows this will be a huge problem as the 5 year old starts school soon. They also are always trying to get a hug or grab all over while she is getting ready in the bathroom. She wants to know how to slowly break the kids off this habit.

This is not because she doesn't like her kids lol, it's just going to be a problem once the oldest goes to kindergarten this year and knows the separation will be hard.


Any tips are welcome

[ldyastrid]

Does she spend any time away from the children or is she always with them? If the kids are never spending time away from her, that could be part of the problem... they need to spend time away from her.

Perhaps getting their attention focused on something - toys - games - a special show or something before she needs to work on getting herself ready will help. Another possible solution would be talking to them while getting THEM ready, telling them that when she's done getting them ready (dressed, whatever) then it's Mommy's turn to get ready and they need to help her by letting her get ready and then after she's done, they need to tell her if she did a good job... kind of get them involved in the process (maybe even helping pick out clothes for her to wear) and explaining they need to give her time to get ready.

Hope this helps!

[Romefalls19]

Because the father of the kids is currently in rehab, she has the kids for the week, all day until I get home then I try to pre occupy them a bit. Usually I'll put on the TV or tell them to go outside and play with their barbies(2 girls) It's just frustrating for her because they won't leave her alone and are always looking for attention, and believe me they get it. Just yesterday we were getting ready to drop them off at the grandfathers house and she forgot her purse downstairs, she went down to get it then immediately they followed her right back down the stairs

I will tel her about some of your ideas! Thanks a bunch

[amanda-kym]

I had this problem with my daughter who is now 4. what we did was slowly get her used to me not being there. I used to start with just going out for 10 minutes and then gradually build it up. Obviously she had her step dad there when I went out. Then when I was in the bath my partner used to sit her down and play something or do colouring with her. After a while he would leave the room for just a min at a time and ask her to wait nicely while he did something. It can take a while for it to work but was very effective with her

[Fr_Chuck]

Or enjoy it while it lasts, ( it does not) Does she do any "mothers day out" programs, many areas have them where churches sponsor a one or two day a week a few hours of day care for mothers to go shoping or do adult mom things.

[Romefalls19]

The oldest is currently going to Kindergarten which starts on Thursday and then she is currently trying to save up for daycare but that's also over $500 a month and with no daycare right now she can't get a decent day job. When she used to live with her ex's parents they never wanted to watch the girls so she could only work 3 days a week but now that she's living with me she is working more time because I am more than willing to watch the girls for her.

Thanks for all of the replies!

[isabelle]

Maybe the time she is spending with them is not quality time. It doesn't matter if she is there all day. It is not the amount of time , it is the quality of time. Maybe she needs to make an hour or so just for them.
Just a thought.

[dontknownuthin]

Kids this age are very selfish by nature - not in a bad way, they just don't have the developmental ability to see the world in any way other than as revolving around themselves. Your girlfriend has to start establishing for the children that she is a person with needs, too, which can be done in a very simple.

I suggest she use "first and then" - a godsend for me when my son was little. She can also establish the idea of "privacy" and "do it myself" which will also be things her children will want soon.

She should give both children some special attention first when they wake up. She should tell them, "first I'm going to hug you and kiss you and then I'm going to go get dressed by myself. " She can tell them what they will be doing during that time... redirecting them. "While Mommy gets dressed, I need you to be my special girl and put these blocks in the basket". She needs to tell the children , "Mommy needs privacy to go to the bathroom so go do (whatever they are suposed to be doing) until I am done."

The children will come and knock on the door. She will need to say then, "Mary, you may not knock on the bathroom door when Mommy is getting dressed. Mommy needs privacy until I am done getting dressed, so if you do that again you will have a time out."

I don't tolerate anyone in my household to yell through the bathroom door, barge in on each other, or knock more than once inside the house. Obviously if you are in the room and someone knocks, you will hear it the first time.

It's good to givce the behavior a name, too such as "nagging". "Mary, knocking and crying at the door when I told you to stop is nagging and you will get a time out if you are nagging Mommy".

This can then be used in other circumstances such as when kids are whining and hanging on her when she's on the phone, or talking to a friend at the store, or speaking to you. She can say, "Mary, you are interupting and nagging Mommy and you need to stop right now." If she doesn't stop, put her in time out.

In the car or other times when your kids are bored and you have their full attention, you can make up little games to reinforce things. Like, you will probably have an exception for "emergencies" and can play, "Is it an emergency?" Come up with scenarios for the older child to guess if something's an emergency or not. Such as, "I can't get the video tape to work" and "The baby fell and hit her head" and "the phone is ringing" and "there's a fire in the kitchen", "there's smoke in the living room". "I can't find my necklace", "I want a cookie" and so on.

You can also play, "Is it nagging?" Come up with things like, "telling Mommy once that you have to go to the bathroom". "pulling on Mommy's clothes over and over again to get her attention", "saying the same thing two times because Mommy is talking to someone else".

And you can play, "What should be private?" You can have silly things like "making spaghetti" and real things like, "going potty" or "getting dressed" or "having a grownup talk".

When I have played these games with my son I have had a bag of skittles or M&Ms or popcorn and he got a piece for each correct answer. Then I had him come up with some of his own questions.

[13months]

I read that your GF recently left her her previous situation and has moved in with you. I left my husband 6 mo ago and my 2 yo son and my 3 yo daughter have both become extremely clingy. If I lay on the couch my son puts his toy down just to come lay beside me and do absolutely nothing! Not normal for a 2 yo lol. I love it don't get me wrong it is very comforting to me which maybe he see's that too. I am concerned that he is losing some of his independent abilities. Which I don't want. I know that this is because their lives have totally flip flopped. They cry if I walk out to the car, and run screaming MOMMY and wrap themselves around me when I walk back in. It's crazy really. But I am just trying to make sure that I set aside JUST US time. Where there is nothing distracting me and I can actually play with them. Too often I am just home with them but not actually with THEM. I will be cleaning or on the phone or making dinner etc. I have tried to become more aware of that and it has made a big difference. Even if its letting them help me make dinner or "fold the clothes" Which is adorable to see a 3 yo attempt try it sometimes. YOU should also try this. I know that you want her attention too but try to do stuff all together. Not huge stuff but little things. Hide and seek in the house... but actually go find them lol! Good luck and turn this into fun before you go crazy.

[Romefalls19]

They have actually become a lot better lately, we set aside us time and then we also do things with the girls and her and I. We have taught them how to knock on the door instead of just opening, cleaning up after themselves and also just being outside and playing. So I'm happy to report it's going well for right now :-)