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Wife get mad when I see my kids from previous marriage
Asked Apr 20, 2011, 10:23 AM
So here we are again. That time of the year to see my kids. Long story short - married 10 years, had 3 kids, got divorced, ex-wife moved with kids several states away. I remarried and have now been in my 2nd marriage for 8 years. Ever since I can remember my new wife has had a problem when its time for me to see my first kids.
This year we're having financial problems and I can't afford to drive the 1000 miles to pick them up and bring them back to my state. So, instead, I'm an avid motorcyclist and offered to go see the kids in their home town for a few days. I like to ride, I see my kids, everything works out and it won't cost much.
But...new wife is so pissed this time she is about to divorce me. Says when I get back she will go on a vacation by herself. During a cell phone text match we had she admitted she didn't really give a crap about me, my family, my kids, or my ex. I understand her feelings towards my ex and maybe my family but why me and my kids also?
At this point I'm torn. My plans are to leave early morning this Friday and return on Tuesday but I have this sinking feeling in my gut. Its the same feeling I've gotten so many times before.
Grow balls and go see my kids or apologize to my wife for even bringing it up and stay home with her and her nonsense?
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Apr 20, 2011, 10:50 AM
From what I read, I get the feeling your 2nd Wife is upset that you aren't taking her with you. The "going on vacation by myself" comment makes me think that.
Now, she was very negative in the way she went about it. "she didn't really give a crap about me, my family, my kids, or my ex" . . . This may have just been said out of anger, but still unnecessary.
When she married you, she new you had kids, and should have been ready for a situation like this. You are there father and have a right to see them.
---In my opinion, you do not need to apologize for anything (maybe for not inviting her, but she through an apology out of the window with her reaction.)
Curious to see what others think.
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Apr 20, 2011, 11:16 AM
As for the vacation issue - We haven't been able to take a vacation for a while. My new wife and I have a child together, she also has an older child from her previous marriage, and I have 3 kids from my previous marriage. So, total 6 kids.
During Christmas this past year I drove my usual 500 miles to pick up my kids at the usual meeting exit ramp from my ex wife. All the kids were excited to see each other so I took our littlest one as well as my step son. My new wife did not want to go because, as always, its too much chaos. I drive a suburban so there's plenty of room.
So I drove up for 9 hours with my 6 year old and my 15 year old step son. Met up with my ex and loaded my 3 kids that live way up north. From there we drove another 500 miles or so to stay in a cabin in the mountains for a few days. My new wife was very happy to have the house to herself. Whenever I spoke with her she would say "better you then me. I'm enjoying the peace and quiet".
Our trip was cut short due to plumbing problems in the cabin so we headed back home (where my new wife and I live with our child and my step child). I called to give her the news that we would be back a day early and she flipped out. Did not want me to go to the house with all the kids. That how could I cut her time off so short. That I should go and stay away for another day or 2 and enjoy the time with my kids.
This of course threw red flags in my head for the remaining 12 hours of drive left. Got home, big fight, dropped off our child and my step son with her and took my kids and myself to stay at my mothers house as usual.
Yes, this is the horrible situation I've had to deal with for years.
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Apr 21, 2011, 03:38 PM
I'm a stepmother. In fact, I was also stepmother to my late husband's children so I'm a two times stepmother.
You say you are having financial problems BUT you are able to go to see your kids and stay in their hometown for not much money. Does your wife feel that there isn't enough money for the two of you to go anyplace and do anything but there's money for you to visit?
Does your wife come first in your life or is she in second place, behind your children?
I'm not saying there's a right and a wrong. I am saying that these are issues in step parent families.
Do you make certain your wife feels secure?
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Senior Family & People Expert
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Apr 24, 2011, 09:08 AM
Go see your kids, and let the wife do as she pleases while you are gone.
Handle you business with YOUR kids, and deal with the rest of the BS later.
If I had a bike, I would do that every week end.
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Emotional Health Expert
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Apr 25, 2011, 07:06 AM
It is sad to me that this rift with your current wife, has caused problems between you and your children. I would have expected that after 8 years she would have been able to step up and talk, not argue, and the two of you should have been able to identify why she is so angry.
It could be many things. She may feel threatened that you are in contact over the children with your ex- jealousy. She may be angry because she does not see the scales balanced as to time with them vs. Time with just her- the vacations.
But, no matter how I look at this, I can't quite get over that, despite her being a grown woman that she does not accept you seeing your own children. She knew you had children when she married you, she knew you saw them when you could, she realizes that they are now several states away and visits are likely less than they used to be, and above all, she should know that children come first.
That she cannot accept this, and is even threatening divorce, has gone beyond any negotiating or understanding of both your positions (whatever hers may be). Threatening divorce because you want to see your children is maybe more of an excuse to end the marriage, than the children itself.
I think that there must be more problems than just visitation going on here. Whatever they are, and whatever motivates her now, has to be sorted out.
You telling her how its going to be, isn't going to solve anything, and by what you have written, isn't going to make you feel any more secure in your marriage.
That this rift has gone on so long, I would suggest counselling for the two of you. She needs to be able to speak for herself and express herself to get to what is really bothering her. Only when you know the state of your marriage, and address those problems, will communication and understanding improve.
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