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    lalcoser's Avatar
    lalcoser Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Apr 27, 2011, 03:41 PM
    Why do men break things, leave, cheat on you, come back, and tell you they love you?
    When I first met my husband he already had a girlfriend. I found out 3 months later. I planned to dump him but his girlfriend told me they hadn't slept together in a year. I maybe thought she was using him and felt sorry for him and wanted to show him how much I loved him. I made him tell her in front of me that he didn't love her anymore if he wanted to to be with me. We moved in together. He did and we always fought about it because I never got over it.

    He would get mad and leave and I would chase after him like an idiot because I didn't want him to be with her. He came back and swore to me he wasn't with her. I called her and she told me the same thing. I was so happy because I knew he loved me. The next day she called his phone and I answered. She made him confess where he was that day and I kicked him out. We went out and she bought me drinks. He kept calling me and then calling her phone at the bar. I went home and he showed up drunk at my apt crying telling me he was confused.

    I hated him but didn't want to be alone and wanted to believe he loved me. I wanted to know the truth. I met with his ex and sat next to her as she begged him back over the phone. He was on speaker and he told her he loved me and was going to work things out. I took him back and I was more jealous and insecure around any girl. I didn't trust him going anywhere by himself.

    One day he went to work and didn't come home the day before Thanksgiving. I cried when I found out he moved out of state. He left me roses in my mailbox with a letter saying how sorry he was and how he wanted to stop hurting me. He text me and told me to call when I was ready. I called him and I was angry he was in another state and started yelling at him because I heard noise in the background. He hung up on me and turned off his phone. Hours later he answered and cried and said it was hard being alone somewhere new and he turned his phone off for three days.

    I couldn't take it and left my job, jumped in my car, and drove 13hrs. I got lost in the woods, dam GPS. I started to think if he was worth it, just to turn back but I kept driving. I found him and he was so happy. We spent a month staying in a hotel and it was perfect but I was still suspicious. We went back and told my parents we were moving out of state and getting married.

    We got married and I felt like some days he treated me bad and he came hoem happy. His hours were always changing at work but his check verified he was at work. A girl from his job called his phone and I answered, he promised me he wasn;t talking to women. She claimed to be married, he told me she was cheating with his friend who was about to have a baby. I called her husband and told him what a whore she was. I mad ehim take a lie detector test which said he did sleep with his ex. He begged to go to counseling and confessed he talked crap about me to his friends at work but denied sleeping with his ex.

    I called her and she swore they didn't sleep together. ***? We went to counseling and he would get angry every time I asked him questions. He took off three days ago. I saw him walking... looking so angry and miserable and I kept driving. He came home and hours later and knocked on the door but I didn't answer it, He knocked again... Then the third time he busted down the door and I called the cops. He punched my big screen and came at me like he was going to hit me but kissed me and told me he loved me. I told him no you don't. Haven't heard from him since.

    I went to go see our counselor and he told me he needed to control his anger. I am depressed, I tried everything, I hate him... Why couldn't he just reassure me instead of getting violent and leaving. I wonder if he does love me or if he is just sick! I'm even more angry at myself for loving him and taking him back. Screw him!! He hurt me! He has issues!! Oh well at least I'm getting my Masters in 2 months. He can't take away my education. But somwhow I feel stupid for thinking about him now... I'm just lonely in a new state with no support. Dam that counselor is making some money off me. Coming on here is much cheaper... LOL
    Fr_Chuck's Avatar
    Fr_Chuck Posts: 81,301, Reputation: 7692
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    #2

    Apr 27, 2011, 03:53 PM

    You are way too obsessed with him, dump him don't worry about why he did such things, and have more standards on what you accept next time
    DoulaLC's Avatar
    DoulaLC Posts: 10,488, Reputation: 1952
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    #3

    Apr 27, 2011, 04:01 PM

    It is hard to let go of a relationship sometimes. Even when deep in your heart you know it is toxic, the hope that things will change can cause you to keep falling back into it.

    While he was abusive, a liar, and a cheat, he was also a known... likely a comfort in an odd way... something familiar. You have a past together that wasn't all bad, so it stands to reason that you would still think of him. It is all so raw yet... but time and distance will be your ally.

    Maybe he will see the need to make some changes in his life, maybe he won't, but you don't need to continue to take the abuse and suffer the drama.

    If you were to hear your best friend tell this story, what would you say to her?

    Continue your counseling if you find it helpful... sometimes it can take some time so don't throw in the towel too soon on it.

    Good for you that you are finishing your degree... that accomplishment is something to be extremely proud of! You have much promise ahead of you... focus on moving forward and making great and positive changes in your life.
    JudyKayTee's Avatar
    JudyKayTee Posts: 46,503, Reputation: 4600
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    #4

    May 8, 2011, 09:30 AM

    I don't know that you can attribute this behavior ONLY to men.
    Okiericanmom's Avatar
    Okiericanmom Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #5

    Dec 3, 2011, 08:46 PM
    Hello there. I am going through the same thing. My husband of 13 years did this too. He cheated and lied for almost a year. After I discovered the affair he said he ended it and begged my forgiveness. I forgave him and never kicked him out of our home. I had decided I had to try because of our time together and our three children. I also still loved him. Then, as we were going to counseling and I was working hard on the relationship I discovered he was still in contact with her, via text and phone calls. He was hateful and nasty most of the time and then he would be sweet and nice. One day he fixed a nice dinner for me and the kids and then told us all the f*&% ourselves and walked out on us (he did this in front of the kids). I was left to clean up the mess. Then about a month later (with no contact from him) he comes crawling back. He begged and asked me to forgive him, said he was no longer talking to her and had gotten his head together while he was gone. He then said that he realized what he had lost and that he wanted his life back. I let him come home again. Then, four weeks after I let him come home I found some suspicious charges for hotels he said he was never at (He is a pilot). Then I called the hotels and he had signed in on each night that was listed on our bill. Then, I discovered some doctored phone bills... covering up her number... he was still talking to her. When I found this he freaked out again and did a repeat performance of the first time he left. Except this time he pushed me around and yelled at me in front of my three boys, flipped us all off and stormed out the door.

    I can say one thing, it hurts. However, you have to let him go. As much as it hurts it hurts more to be treated badly and to be disrespected while he cheats and lies. Divorce is hard and I am not sure, at times, that I will make it through. However, I have to for my kids.I also know that you will make it through this too... you really will. Somehow it will get better and we will be the better for it all.

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