I am a 37 year old mother of 3 kids ( ages 6, 11, 13). I work fulltime as a nurse and I have been married for 17 years.

I must admit, from the very beginning of my marriage, I have had nagging doubts about my husband in the back of my head. Just prior to our wedding, I found out he had been partying and drinking while in his last year of college and flunked out... he pretended he was still going to class and doing well. Finally... the truth came out that he was not going to graduate and he had thousands of dollars in student loans. I went ahead with the wedding, thinking love would cure all things. I was the main income earner ( as a nurse) for the first 10 years of our marriage while he worked as a security guard. I paid off his loans and tolerated his tendency to be lazy, work very little, and use the excuse he was " sick" or "sleepy" to get out of work at home.He started overeating, laying around, became overweight, out of shape... and unattractive. When the kids would stress him, he would yell, scream and spank my son excessively... I wouldn't say he was abusive but definitely heavy handed and verbally over the top. When my parents started complaining about him, he decided he was moving to Florida and if I wanted to stay married, I would move with him... so I did. He said I needed to get away from my family and grow up and learn to depend on him. Again, I worked as the main income earner and he worked as a security guard... after a few years, I couldn't stand being so far from home so I decided to do the research and get him a better paying job close to family... it worked and he got a job with the Federal Prison System about 2 hours away from family. He agreed to go but he has never been completely happy about it. Since our move back home a few years ago, my husband's behavior worsened. Our oldest son has adhd, behavior problems and at one point my husband became violent with him on a regular basis
( hitting, choking, a few punches- my son was 11 at the time). I left for 2 weeks and my husband convinced me that the problems was really me because I did not back up my husband on the issue of discipline, so, he says he was pushed to violence by frustration. He told me that our oldest son and I were the 2 main problems in his life. He refused to allow a separation ( what I asked for), he said our problems had to be worked out " from within". He also insisted that since he was making good money at his job, he should be in charge of finances and I could work part time, 12 hours a week. I agreed. I came back home and gave him control of the finances and promised I would back him up on discipline. He agreed to get help for depression and he went on antidepressant medication. We also started family counseling but my husband only made it to about 6 sessions. ( I still go with my son). Within 10 months of going back, my husband began the yelling and occasional hitting of my oldest son... he says the spankings are needed because of my son's behavior problems ( he does act out a lot ), he also started drinking
( something he had never done before on a regualr basis since college). He doesn't drink daily, he has between 7-10 beers at a time about 2 days per week. Last year, I found out that he had been compulsively gambling and spending money he did not have... he put us in debt $ 42,000 dollars!! So, did I leave? NO... I went back to work to help pay off the debt... I took over the finances again... and I took away his credit card.

So fast forward to now... my husband is on " good behavior" at the moment. He still yells a lot but the hitting has almost stopped. He is still drinking 1-3 days per week and he still spends money but he has to give me the reciepts. I am working fulltime plus overtime to make ends meet since we are in financial disaster. He works 4 days per week and refuses to work overtime... he makes excuses about being "tired" or "sick" or there is no overtime available... he has never looked for a second job. He does help more around the house than he ever did before, mainly because I am working more than I ever did.
Here is my problem... now that my husband is doing a bit better, I feel I should be happy but I am not... He is overweight, unattractive, I can't stand it when he touches me... He has lied to me several times in the past so now I do not trust him, I do not respect him, I do not admire him. He is needy, clingy... he even insists that I " tuck him in" when he lays down for a nap or at bedtime. He has no outside interests anymore... he says his family is all he needs, but all he does at home is eat, watch TV, drink beer, occasionally cleans and cooks meals. I beg him to find outside interests but he claims he is very happy with his life. I am 37, I want more than this out of life... but our children do love their Dad. He treats our 2 younger children well... he does not hit them, but they do not have behavior problems... they are eager to please him. How selfish is it to feel this way? I want my children to be happy but I want to be happy too... should I try to build a happy marriage?. all I really want is to get out... but I am scared.. what if I leave and things are even harder for me?. If I leave, my husband will not be able to pay the bills or provide support... we will go bankrupt. I am afriad I will make my kids miserable, furthermore, I am afraid my husband would fight me for custody... he is very manipulative. Should I just stick it out like all the times before? I understand my husband is not going to change, if I stay, I must learn to accept him.
PS... my husband has never hit me, he has never been unfaithful to my knowledge, and he seems to love me very much. ( I'm not sure if I love him).

Please help.

I don't think you are being selfish if you are unhappy but as you have children it'll be a bit harder... I don't know follow your heart

I don't think you are selfish, my husband recently walked out on me and my three children 4,5,6. I was hurt so bad but you know what he couldn't have done a better thing. He would discipline our son the same way, slap, punch, hit really hard, choke, you name it. I was tired of it but "I Love Him" I worked full time and he didn't. He left me and it hurt, to move back to where both our family live and be with his kids. But my life is going to be so much better. He's been gone 5 days now and I already see a difference.

I am very sad to know your story!
You are not that young any more,you are a mother of three children and you love them!Even you feel so so unhappy in this marriage,I think you should think about your children seriouly,if you go,what will happen to them?Are you happy to know that without you,your three lovely babies would have the same life like their mother?

I am 37, married for 17 years. I have three kids.
My marriage from the beginning has had problems.. my husband has lied to me about some pretty big things. He was secretly partying and drinking in college, flunked out but kept going and pretended he was going to graduate... I found out the truth 1 month before our wedding,I married him anyway and worked as the main income earner while he worked meanial jobs. He lied about compulsive gambling and spending... when I found out he had put us $42,000 in debt. I had to take on a second job to pay the debt... he never worked a single extra day. He has intermittent periods when he becomes violent with our oldest son... Our son has adhd and is very difficult to deal with. After my husband's last rampage, he told me that my refusal to back him up on discipline is what drove him to the point of hitting and choking. My husand is lazy, overweight, has no interests outside our family- he drinks beer a lot. He works at his job, seems to love me and claims his family is all he needs- he says he is not interested in outside hobbies. The truth is... I have not been physically attracted to him for at least 15 years, Ever since he deceived me with our money and forced ME to work to pay the debt- I don't trust him. His yelling and occasional hitting breaks my heart. I do not act in a loving way toward him, I give him sex but not in a loving way. Honestly being around him simply annoys me... I do not like myself when I am around him. He can be a nice guy but he is so lazy it drives me crazy. I recently went on a week long trip with a girlfriend and for 1 solid week, I felt like myself again, happy, outgoing... I realized just how bad I felt at home. If there were no children in the picture, I would leave today, but, now I have invested 17 years and 3 kids who love their Dad. Because of the financial disaster he put us in, we will go bankrupt if I leave. What should I do? Stick it out? Go? At my age, I don't want to waste another year... Help!

Silly - throughout your entire post I did not glean anything you said that was nice about this guy. Can I ask you a serious question and not seem to be trite about it? Why didn't you leave this guy years and years ago? Or throw him out? You keep stressing that you invested in this guy. Well, you invested yourself not very wisely and you should regroup your thinking pronto about your situation. Why should you be his "mama" any longer? You essentially enabled this guy to happily use you for years and rely on you for his luxuries. Can you hold a mental picture for a second? Try picturing yourself without him for about 3 minutes and tell me honestly how you feel. Pretend he's left you (or you left him) and tell me honestly how much better you feel not being under this horrid strain any longer trying to keep up a façade of self deception. You need to get yourself esteem back and you will do just nicely on your own without any "help" from hubby. 17 years is way too long for an investment that was a poor one to keep continuing.

Your story is heartbreaking, and should be told to your husband. 17 years is a long time to be used and abused, but you have allowed it, and only you can change it. So change it.

He tells you you are dependent on him yet you are the one that has been holding everything together. He says you do not back up the discipline but I am sure your son sees it more as you allowing him to be abusive to him. You need to quit listening to his excuses on how things should be cause he is the one that needs to do the growing up.
I am not sure how you are doing financial things now, but you need to make him pay his share toward the bills and do not let him have any of your money. You are working hard he only has a job so he can claim he is pulling his share of the weight.
You need to discuss everything with the counselor so that if it does come down to your leaving the counselor can back you up in custody. They can, most likely, not discuss issues but they can tell the Judge what they feel is in the best interest of the children.