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I don't quite understand what is going on. My wife of 12 years asked for a divorce 4 weeks ago. She said she didn't think we could work out our differences. I do, but that's besides the point. We've had some road blocks but nothing serious like adultry or abuse. We also have two children.
I think it is a sin to give up when kids are involved without trying everything.
Since this initial declaration she has made no attempt to get the process in gear. I tried a couple times, but she ended up having to cancel (we are separated). In fact she has been acting very friendly, almost like there is no real problem.
I don't like seeing people give up on one another, yet I can certainly understand when it feels so one-sided that you become so depressed. I remember a relationship years ago (not married) when I had tried hard to keep it together to no avail. Essentially, the other half (fiance) waited pretty much for me to get tired of trying and then we drifted apart. Perhaps this is what your wife is trying to have happen. Being blase about your relationship and just letting you wear yourself down and give up. Sometimes the differences in a relationship are just too much for one to handle. As you had mentioned, perhaps she'll see what she is missing when you stop trying to appease her. Focusing on the children only right now is a good idea. I still can't get past why SHE has the kids all of the time and not you? Are you both having equal time with them, or are they with her more of the time? I also wish, for the sake of having her want to really miss you, that she didn't have a constant support group with her at all times. You sound so level-headed and have your priorities in order .. it's a shame that she is putting you through this. Keep up your counseling just to keep your wits about you, if for no other reason. You had told your wife about counseling a few times .. she said she would go with you .. now it's up to her to keep her word. If she doesn't, familyman2, then don't push. You don't want to always be the one who has to coerce her into a good marriage .. to understand you .. to be a good wife. It takes two .. no doubt about it. You deserve your happiness .. you are still young. Life is too short to have to struggle like this with a person who doesn't have her heart in it. I pray she comes to her senses very soon and realize what a loving husband she has in you. As always, best wishes, familyman2. Please continue to post her so we see how things are going for you .. and to give you some support, too!
I'm glad you see the logic of my post. You are connected to her thru your children for years, and must be civil enough to raise them with as much love and stability as possible. Not only can you stop the dog and pony show, you can get your own house in order, with out her screwing the finances up. Keep us posted as I feel you will land on your feet, and find the happiness your looking for.
Thank you Delilah. Your constant support has been priceless to me throughout this difficult period. And just so you know, I don't plan on giving up. I am changing my strategy. I will leave it up to her to figure out what she is walking away from. In the meantime, like Taliniman recommended, I will focus on myself and my kids, who deserve all the love I can give them. Incidentally, we share the custody of the kids. It's 50/50. This is one thing we do agree on.
Thank you for the 'thanks', familyman2. It warms my heart to have someone thank me for my support. I'm hoping that your wife will sit and think one day soon, "Hmmm, I wonder what he's up to .. why hasn't he called or sent a note?" Her friends are keeping her mind occupied now and she doesn't have time to think about what she is missing. She may feel that she knows you so well that she thinks you'll always be there, waiting for her to return. Your stategy of holding back is a good one. I'm hoping that you have a group of friends you can lean on, too. You have all of us here, too, for support.
Well sometimes the unexpected happens: I had asked my wife to look at a school I want to get my daughter into. Before I could even start on the information she began talking about things on her mind. She talked about all my problems naturally. How I would get angry and then turn cold (untrue), how I didn't leave the house instead of her (we all know why), how I would do nice things for her just to make her happy instead of doing them because I wanted to (?) etc...I mean lots of ranting. I just bit my lip and said "I'm sorry you feel that way". Then I said it takes two and that she has done many unfair things as well. But to me they aren't as important as the big picture. I said we all make mistakes and that you have to cut people some slack for being human. I also told her that we still can have a great marriage with many good years. She would need to come to counseling immediately so we can work through these issues, and learn to communicate better. She has agreed to come.
This is great news, familyman2!! It's a start and hopefully it will escalate to the point of bringing you two back together! I'm glad you stayed calm and that you gave the PERFECT response. I truly hope she sees the counselor with you. Is Friday the next appointment? This is great news and I'm keeping positive thoughts for you. Keep us posted, as you have been.
Thanks y'all. I am going to remain cautiously optimistic. Our appt. isn't until a week from this coming Friday. She'll be away this Friday. I will still go, however. I'm just wondering in the interim if I should hang back and leave her alone, or should I go ahead and give her a "what's up" call now and then, or send her a card or something meaningful. What would a woman really appreciate in this situation?
Give her a single rose, and take the kids for the weekend. Have big fun and they'll tell mom what a great time they had. Females love happy kids. Ask me how I know!!( you'll love yourself for it too. Tell me a fun distraction wouldn't be good right now)
I'm hoping that your wife will sit and think one day soon, "Hmmm, I wonder what he's up to .. why hasn't he called or sent a note?" Her friends are keeping her mind occupied now and she doesn't have time to think about what she is missing. She may feel that she knows you so well that she thinks you'll always be there, waiting for her to return. Your stategy of holding back is a good one. I'm hoping that you have a group of friends you can lean on, too. You have all of us here, too, for support. 
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