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I don't quite understand what is going on. My wife of 12 years asked for a divorce 4 weeks ago. She said she didn't think we could work out our differences. I do, but that's besides the point. We've had some road blocks but nothing serious like adultry or abuse. We also have two children.
I think it is a sin to give up when kids are involved without trying everything.
Since this initial declaration she has made no attempt to get the process in gear. I tried a couple times, but she ended up having to cancel (we are separated). In fact she has been acting very friendly, almost like there is no real problem.
As long as you don't mention counseling or anything like that in a note or card - I don't think that is pressure. I have learned that you have to fight for what is yours. If you want your marriage - don't be afraid of taking chances and doing what you need to to get your results. I am not suggesting you stalk her - but don't just sit around and be passive.
If you sent her a card. Just get a "thinking of you" card. Or something with a funny picture that is blank inside. Just simply write Hi, was thinking of you.....
You get the idea.
If she is feeling pressured - she will let you know.
Well, I went to the counselor today. She is an excellent counselor and I really think she can help us, or at least me. My wife didn't come. She wanted me to go to the first one or two alone. I guess she felt I needed to work on some issues. Right or wrong, it helped me. I felt better after the session. I told my wife how good the counselor was, she said she was glad I liked it. Then I said I felt confident that this counselor could help us, and my wife seemed ambivalent and said we'll see. I kept a positive attitude and left with my daughter. On your advice, I did get her a gift for mother's day. I'll let my daughter give it to her on Sunday.
I am still positive that we can work this out. I am just proceeding with the thoughts that we already have started to rebuild our friendship. And she definitely knows that my intentions are to ultimately bring the family back together.
But am I wrong for doing this? She told me four weeks ago she wanted to divorce. I'm the one who is trying to save this marriage. She has yet to really come out and say she wants this. Maybe she's confused, maybe she wants out but can't find the way to say it, maybe she does want to stay but is still undecided. Whatever the case, am I being an arse for trying to stop the divorce and keep our marriage alive? Shouldn't I just apologize for pushing for this and give her the divorce she asked for? I feel like I'm walking a tight rope!
If I didn't feel like we had a chance at true happiness, and a chance get the kids under one roof, it would be an easier decision. But this is going to determine the rest of my life, and I am determined to keep trying. I just want to know if I am justified for doing this.
Can you sense the struggle I have going on in my head?
I'm glad to hear that you went to the conselor and left feeling good about it. I wish your wife would have gone with you, but she didn't. It seems that she really thinks that you are the one with the issue that needs to be worked out since she wants you to go alone to the first two sessions.
You shouldn't question your intentions. You are half of your marriage. You have the right to do all you can to keep it together if you love her as much as you say. Why would you want to give in if you love her so much? You, like everyone, have to persevere for everything you want .. you can't back down. It would look to your wife, "Well, he just gave up .. he doesn't want to even try to win me back!". If you don't go with what's in your heart you will surely lose any chance you have with her.
We here can only help by hearing one side of the story. From what you had just written, you could be right on your observations. Maybe she wants out of the marriage, but can't get herself to REALLY tell you, or, she could be unsure and is waiting to see how the counseling could help. Do you think she could be seeing someone else? In either case, if this was happening to me and I still truly loved my husband ... I would do all I could. I would call him and leave a brief voice mail saying I was thinking about him .. I'd send a note or card once a week just to keep me on his mind. I wouldn't give up trying to get us back together. I'd always have to wonder the rest of my life if I had tried hard enough to win him back.
In my opinion, you should do as much as you can, or are comfortable doing, until your wife tells you it's not working or there IS hope. If it eventually comes to a point where you are trying and trying but not receiving any positive feedback from your wife .. then it would be time to sit down and have a serious talk with her. You don't want to be an ostrich with his head in the sand .. you have to hear the truth at some point and not let her string you along.
I think it's great that you're trying to keep the marriage together by going to counseling and being more accepting of things neither of you agree with. If everyone gave up, marriages would be like "throw away marriages or lives".
I'm glad you got her a Mother's Day gift. She is the mother of your children, afterall.
As before, please keep us updated. Good luck to you!
Can I just say Familyman thank God for you, if there were more men like you there just might be a lot less divorces! I commend you for your efforts and being a real man!
I think it is okay to make the effort for you marriage, but really focus on you as well... its like killing 2 birds with one stone... you cant go wrong. It sounds like you are doing it for her and your marriage, but think of it for you personally as well. If you are making the efforts, and changes on your half... and it works out, great! if it doesnt, you did all you could. And showing her you are making the effort, with out the pressure for her... but you can tell her what you are learning, and hope that she makes the effort as well. If she doesnt, then it wasnt going to work anyway.... a marriage can only work when 2 people are committed to making it work.
And I agree with the above person, KUDOS TO YOU!!!
Hey thank you all so much. This is what I needed to hear. It gives me more hope to proceed. Delilah, I don't think she is seeing someone else. I asked her straight out about it a couple weeks ago, and she emphatically denied it. I know she has male friends from her bowling league. It's possible she has dated, or is dating one of them. But I am number 1, going to give her the benefit of the doubt that she is telling me the truth. And 2, it doesn't matter to me either way. I'm going to try to get her back anyways. I'll steal her back from the guy who stole her from me. And I won't give up unless she either says she's 100% out or 100% in.
Some of the past did come up and she said she is having a hard time forgiving and forgetting. I told her that I have forgiven her for things she's done to hurt me, and hoped that she would be able to get to a better place; in time, and after counseling.
Sorry to be pesky, or nosy but could you elaborate a bit on this comment. Just want to get a clear picture.
I know that when you are in the middle of this rollercoaster, a minute feels like an hour. I know you want this to happen now. YOu have to give it time. Continue to be patient. I do have to say that you are probably right in having this feelings of doubt. SHe isn't giving you much to work with. But again, that will happen in time.
Continue on your path - work on you. Either way, you will come out of this with a new prospective and that is never bad.
Taliniman, to answer your question would take some time. Suffice it to say after 12 years of being together we have had our share of hurtful deeds. Basically, she is a walking financial disaster. I have had to bail her out countless times. And many times she has lied about payments not made, that hurt my good credit rating. Or not giving me all her income info when I did our taxes, and I ended up having to pay back taxes. Dumb stuff really. She makes good money, but can't save a nickle. Then she starts spending all of my money. Truthfully, I don't care about the money. I care about the honesty and trust surrounding it. Now what have I done? Well when I became an instant step-father I tried the best I could. I did a lot of good things for her kids. But I also tended to be too strict sometimes. I think it had to do with my upbringing. And also because I felt like the outsider, which I was. There's no excuse for my behavior but I did tend to be overbearing at times. It was just a tough situation for all of us. We should have been in counseling from the get go. When we separated, she left the house with the kids to go live with her mom and sister. The house is in my name, and I paid for it. I wasn't about to leave it to someone with no credit. I gave her 10K to help out when she left. I was just thinking she would go for a few months, and then come back. Well, she hasn't yet, and she still resents me for it. Since then, I have made peace with her kids. In fact we get along great. I have offered to expand my house so she and her mom and sister could come live with us. I have also offered to build a new home for everyone. Every time we have an argument , however, she just keeps bringing this up. It's like I'm getting sued constantly for the same crime. Even though it wasn't entirely my fault. And I've made amends for it. So I have forgiven her for the monetary problems. I have told her repeatedly that the money means nothing compared to out marriage. She just hasn't forgiven me for the separation. To me it's all in the past, and we can work through these issues. To her these problems keep reoccurring in her mind. I need to get her to counseling...
Did you initially want the seperation? I am just wondering because if she is the one who wanted it - why would she need to forgive you?
Money is money - it does cause issues in a marriage - but you are right - it is more about trust and honesty.
She definetly needs counseling - to teach her how to let go of things. What good comes from beating a dead horse?
Like I said before, just keep on your path. You are not wrong to want to work this out. You are part of this marriage and you have a say. If you want this - don't just roll over. Do what you can to make it work.
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