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We each had one of the children after our divorce and then my youngest decided she wanted to live with her dad and my other daughter. I disagreed and she moved anyway. Now I am faced with proving why I should have the custody back the way it was. My oldest is calling my late at night and calling me at work demanding to know why I won't leave them alone. Their father has discussed me in a negitive light and left modification requests out where the can read them. I feel like I am having to fight them all and they all hate me. I want to give up. Help!!
Dad has probably been "whispering in their ears." If you truely were a good mom, it will not take them long to remember. Get your own things in order, do the things you didn't have time too, and before you know it, your kids will be coming back to their Momma like nothing ever happened. Above all...just relax, don't push, and love them.
The worst thing we can do is play our children against our ex-spouse. That is something you will regret for a long time, and, your children will never forget it . They really know what is going on...right and wrong.
I offer you a different point of view than you are likely to get. It is born out of watching the saddest thing I have ever witnessed.
Seek legal help as soon as possible. US courts are much more savvy about how this happens. Parents who interfere with the children's relationship with the other parent are often considered in violation of the divorce decree. Your papers may even have a paragraph that addresses this very topic.
Sadly, my husband waited too long and far too much damage was done to appropriately stage an acceptable legal fight by the time he was up to speed on it. He lost the kids. If he had to do it all over again, he would have sued his ex-wife immediately over her systematic and blatant damaging his relationship with the children, as ugly as that is. She counted on it being too ugly and she won that way. It was the only thing worth fighting for, he now sees. How sad.
I hope that helps.
Added in later once I realised this information could be misconstrued: I am not advocating fighting over the kids in any manner, but rather taking appropriate action to stop one parent from actively ruining relations, IF that is indeed happening. No kids should be subjected to an active campaign of that sort, at any age, as it has documented profound damaging effects. Its not something that goes away and its a tangible contributor to the "dead beat" spouses phenomena in the US. Courts make provisions for this now. That is all I meant here.
STOP! Your kids are old enough to have seen more than you give them credit for. You have no real reason to defend yourself and your time and focus should be on YOU! Let DAD be DAD and take the opportunity to lavish yourself with the things you had to sacrifice to raise your kids. Have faith that you have done a good enough job in instilling them with THE RIGHT STUFF that they can make up their own minds and make good decisions. Let their FATHER handle things and stop worrying now is the time for YOU! SAVE that lawyer money for ....you??? OR send it to me
MAGPROBE
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The worst thing we can do is play our children against our ex-spouse. That is something you will regret for a long time, and, your children will never forget it . They really know what is going on...right and wrong
Your EX is probably telling them things about you, one of them being you do not care about them. When they ask why you won't leave them alone, tell them you love them, miss them and need them in your life. Do all you can, make sure they know what you are doing so your EX cannot twist it around. If they stay with him you have a clear conscious knowing you have done all you can and they cannot come back on you later with guilt. They will come around later, but they must feel and know you fought for them.
Divorce is hard on children. When a parent uses them as tools for revenge it does so much damage. If one has to use children to fight a battle, they are a very weak vengeful person.
I know it seems cold, but at those ages your kids need to make their own decisions about who they want to live with. Let them go. They'll return soon enough.
Hi, Lizzy,
Calling your Lawyer to try getting custody of your teens, at that age, will definitely "back-fire" on you, if they don't want to live with you !!
At that age, the judge will allow them to live with whomever they wish.
Divorce can be a very nasty thing; as you are going through.
After my first marriage ended in Divorce after 7 yrs, I remarried 3 yrs later, to a woman who was also divorced. It's now been 29 yrs of marriage.
My wife's daughter was 5 at the time. Her Dad put my wife through a lot, legally, but never won anything. As a result, he bad-mouthed my wife to his daughter (my step-daughter) so much, that now, my step-daughter thinks much more of me than her real Dad.
She is 36 yrs old now, married, and we have a 9 yrs old grandson. She only visits her real Dad about once a year, and at that, doesn't even want to see him anymore. He did it all himself, with the way he acted years ago.
PLEASE don't fall into this "Divorce Trap" of arguing, trying to have things your own way.
One answer you had was very, very good. Love your children, be there when they need you; but DON'T bad-mouth their father, and don't get into lawyers fights with him.
Your children will soon figure out all this for themselves. A Mother is their first concern, normally, and they will eventually want to come back to you.
Stop the fighting; you will only kill any hopes of your children ever wanting to be with you, at all.
I do wish you the best, and good luck.
True that I need to take care of my own needs. I concluded over the last couple of days that the situation can only ruin my life if I let it. I will not be a rug for them but I will be their mom as long as they allow me to and then I will go on with my life to enjoy it.
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