[SEBMN86]

So my ex and I met in 2003 when I was 17 and he was 19, and we were together on and off until 2005. Though we met in person initially, the relationship was very long distance and was plagued by things like parents, work and college, distance and future plans. That being said, we were each other's first loves. When it ended, there were lots of badly hurt feelings and no closure at all. It took me many months of soul-searching and personal emotional growth to work through what happened, especially after spending two years of my young life invested in this person.

He has not dated at all since it ended, but I moved on and dated around before settling down with my current boyfriend of 5 years - the love of my life and future husband. I'm a very different, more mature person now and I'm established in my career. I have absolute confidence in myself and my relationship.

I always wondered if he was okay and what his life was like- how he was doing and so on. I suppose I want some kind of closure as well... Just to fill the missing piece of the past.

So long story short, I found my ex online recently and after much contemplation on contacting him at all, I complemented some of his work thinking that he would realize it was me. Our two-sentence back and forth was very cordial and pleasant. He is, however, currently unaware that it was me and now I have no idea how to reintroduce myself -and- tie in the fact that I contacted him briefly to give a complement.

Let me just stress that I am absolutely not looking to communicate with my ex on a regular basis and I'm not looking to 'date' him again or what not. I would just be interested in discussing and bringing closure to what happened in the past.

How do I go about doing this, or should I do it at all? All ideas, comments, or theories are appreciated! I'd like to get the unbiased opinions of those not related to the situation!

[JudyKayTee]

My unbiased opinion? I don't contact ex-loves to see how they're doing and/or seek closure. Closure happens when you walk away.

If the situation were different and your boyfriend was contacting an old love to get closure, how would you feel? So you contact female friends from years ago to see how they are?

I don't understand the anonymous contact - why didn't you tell him who you were, compliment him and ask him how he is, what he's been doing, if life has been kind to him? The anonymous contact makes me think you want/need more than you are posting here.

I think closure happens when you meet the person you intend to marry. If you are still hung up on this guy, do your fiancé a favor and end the relationship.

[slapshot_oi]

When it ended, there were lots of badly hurt feelings and no closure at all...

Three questions:

1. Why on earth do you care about what happened 7 years ago?
2. Are you aware that closure is not a real thing?
3. Being as it ended badly, are you willing to rehash the emotional pain?

You will learn nothing and gain nothing from asking him about a break-up that took place nearly a decade ago. At best, you'll feel awkward for even asking about it, at worst, you'll relive the heartache all over again.

Don't contact him.

[talaniman]

I know you are curious, but if you cannot seek the advice of the man you will marry, then don't do it. Why go behind his back?

[Sasha40]

If you are looking for "closure"
After 7 years that tells me u are not over him still. I would re-evaluate your present relationship and ask yourself one question, if this old boyfriend told you that he loves you and wants to be with you, would you run to him?
Answer that honestly and then you will have your answer!

[SEBMN86]

@talaniman - I have spoken with him about it several times and I have his blessing to do what I need to do for myself if I feel it will help me in some way. This has been a big unanswered question in my life for many years that he knows all about, and I'm (of course) not doing this behind is back! :) We are honest and up-front with each other about everything and have complete trust in each other!

@slapshot_oi - 1. It has been a big unanswered question in my life for many years. Prior to the relationship we were great friends. We were invested in each other's lives/friends/family, but after the break-up, we dropped all contact immediately. A LOT has happened in my life since then and I'm sure a lot has happened for him as well, and it would be nice to briefly reconnect with my old friend just to talk a bit about the past and see how each other is doing.
2. Yes. I have had 'closure' by moving on a very long time ago, by meeting the man I love, and through maturing chronologically/emotionally/spiritually. I feel this would just bring a tidy end to an issue that sort of nags me when I think about it.
3. 'Ended badly' meaning we were both broken-hearted for the first time in our lives. Being young and inexperienced doesn't lend itself well to break-ups.
I would happily go on with my life as normal after we talked. No hurtful or painful feelings left for me, and I'm not worried about it happening either.

[SEBMN86]

@sasha40

if this old boyfriend told you that he loves you and wants to be with you, would you run to him?

- uhh no, that would be beyond awkward. I thought I clarified myself well by saying that I'm completely uninterested in any kind of relationship!
My boyfriend and I are 100% faithful to/honest with each other and I have no doubts that we were made for each other. We are also religious people and believe it is by God's will that we are together and have made it so successfully thus far together.

[talaniman]

Since you don't know how he feels, or the affect on his life your contact will bring, leave it alone until the 10 year reunion. Why stir up old feelings to satisfy your curiosity? I am sure you have friends you can ask, without pulling the scabs off old wounds, even though yours have healed.

[SEBMN86]

@talaniman - That's what I was thinking as well and partially why I was seeking the advice of those not attached to the situation. I know where I stand emotionally, but the last thing I would want to do is hurt or offend another person who may not be in the same place as me. I would hope not to be that inconsiderate! :)
Also, our relationship ended up being quite long-distance, and he has since also moved out of the country, so there is pretty much a 99.9999% chance we'll never see each other again. His only family still in the US live hundreds of miles from me. No 10 year reunion - fine with me! Lol!
Thank you for your answer as well. This is definitely the kind of constructive feedback I'm looking for!

[indya]

Hey Sebmen,
Why exactly would you want to contact him? I mean what exactly do you want to convey to him? You've moved on and become an emotionally mature person and found someone special, all that's really great and good. But who knows what in his life, why dig old graves, eh? What if contact from you rips open the old wounds. You had great difficulty in moving on, he must have too. Why undo all that?

[SEBMN86]

You had great difficulty in moving on, he must have too. Why undo all that?

I agree! I may be a much different and better person now, but I don't know how it would affect him or what he has gone through. All I really know is that he hasn't dated anyone after me, which could mean many things.
Thanks for the perspective!

[JudyKayTee]

I still don't understand the anonymous contact. He doesn't appear to get online for months and so you contacted him anonymously... I don't know how one (anonymous) fits with the other (doesn't appear to go online).

I still think it's a bad idea You obviously don't. I would have a very different opinion if the initial contact had not been anonymous. That seems like major game playing to me.

I really don't know why you asked the question if you are so committed to contacting him.

[slapshot_oi]

Well, you sound determined to do it, so go for it.

[mmresd]

Closure from a relationship is whenever you get over it completely. This is in the past, erase him from your contacts, and move on completely. No need to reopen old wounds.

[JudyKayTee]

Upon reading it again it still makes no sense to me that the boyfriend knows about the interest in the ex, has no problem with the contact... but the initial contact with the ex was made anonymously with a hope that he ex would realize it is a request from OP.

Apparently ex didn't realize anything and so now the question is whether to contact him directly and more honestly.

I just can't understand the reason for the anonymous initial contact.

What am I missing?

[celticfc]

It was difficult moving on the first time and it has been 7 years you may be curious and want to see how he's doing but you've found the perfect guy now and it was in the past.im sure he would be happy to talk to you but will your boyfreind be happy with it? If he isn't you shouldn't say anything think of how your boyfriend feels about this.sure it is OK but why?

[JudyKayTee]

OP said in #6 that her boyfriend knows about this - "I have spoken with him about it several times and I have his blessing to do what I need to do for myself if I feel it will help me in some way. This has been a big unanswered question in my life for many years that he knows all about, and I'm (of course) not doing this behind is back! We are honest and up-front with each other about everything and have complete trust in each other!"

Apparently he's not unhappy with it.

[Fr_Chuck]

I will state what is obvious here.

1. There is no reason at all to contact him
2. There is no closure, only re-opening of things
3. It is obvious that you are still obsessed with this ex
4. You risk damage to your current relationship if you don't learn to let this go and just forget
5. You did this without telling him who you were at first which is childish to start with.

And finally you don't want a real honest answer, you only want someone to agree with you, since you attacked Judy for giving you a honest answer, ** not a way to thank people telling you the truth.

[SEBMN86]

@JudyKayTee - I matched your honesty with my honesty. You gave your opinion, and I found it unhelpful and your choice of words rather blunt & rude. Perhaps this was not your intent, but it is the way I perceived it.
You seem to have a hard time with accepting that I found your comment unhelpful, and by the way you keep coming back and posting or replying to others, this really bothers you. Please realize that you can't please everyone & sometimes you won't understand why. Move on :)

@celticfc -

you may be curious and want to see how he's doing but you've found the perfect guy now and it was in the past

Very true, and very helpful! Thank you for your perspective. My boyfriend and I have talked about this many times for probably close to 2 years now, so he knows all about it. :) I just wanted some outside opinions. I definitely don't want to hurt my ex by bringing up the past as it may have affected him differently than me.

[SEBMN86]

@Fr_Chuck - ooooo wee so gwumpy. :) LOL