[Confusedguy_27]

Hi,

I'm really confused. Im not even sure if asking this online is a good idea. But I'd like to give it to try and ask how you guys will feel about this situation.

My wife and I have been married for 5 years now with 2 beautiful daughters.

I met my wife through my best friend which was actually my wife's ex-boyfriend. When my best friend moved to other state 10 years ago, her girlfriend (my wife) stayed with us with a couple of friends. I'm not physically attracted to her, 1st as she's not my type - 2nd, she's my buddy’s girlfriend. So, with that in mind, whenever we hangout with all our fiends, I treated her as well as one of my buddies. There were times that we hangout just the 2 of us. To cut it short, I fall for her that time. She also fell for me as she see's her boyfriend in me. We never intended to end up as we tried to fight the feelings we have for each other. But my feelings for her were to too strong that I never even care what my buddy and rest of my friends will think. My buddy knew about it and we haven’t even talked until now.

After that, we tried to live a life of our own as we'd like to nourish our love for each other. It went on for years until we finally decided to get married last 2004.

It was a happy 4 years (at least for me) as we lived a good life, and a Christian life, blessed with 2 kids, nice car, fancy stuff etc etc. Until last June, we had a big fight. She told me that after so many years we’ve been together, she hasn’t given 100% of her love and care to me. As she was so wrecked when they broke up and she can’t admit that they broke up because of her and he doesn’t want to take her back. All these years she was blaming me for everything, but keeps it to herself. Then after a few days, she was sorry and felt so relieved that the reason why she hasn’t given her 100% is because she hasn’t opened herself up to me yet. I accepted that as it was my fault before and I’m ready to move on with her.

Then 2 weeks ago, I saw a chat log with her and her ex, it was an easy conversation, but she told him about the fight and reason that she still feels something for him after all these years. She even told him that I am still insecure with the guy. I confronted her about it, then finally opened up herself again and told me that she still loves her ex-boyfriend more that she loves me. And the reason why she got married is because she knows I love her and will take care of her, besides of course his ex doesn’t want to take her back.

It was the worst thing I ever heard in my life, my wife telling me that after all that we’ve been through, all the sacrifices that we both made, she still loves her ex more that me.

Sorry, it the story is a bit longer. I just want o share woth you guys so you can help me assess things as I can’t go on like this. What I’m thinking now are my kids, as I’ve set my goal to that they’ll have a complete family to love and care for them until the rest of our lives.

But I can’t go on like this. Am I wrong since I decided not to stay? I just don’t know what to do right now.

[zippit]

If HE doesn't want her back what good is it going to do for you to end the relationship
If your thinking about the kids put your pride away and treat her good as you have been and raise the kids let her decide WHAT she wants out of her life

[Confusedguy_27]

I don't know, maybe I just can't accept the idea of having a wife that loves someone else more than me. It's killing me. Emotionally, she's unfaithful.

I think about the kids, but if I accepted her again we might have the same issue next year, 10 years, 30 years. And it will keep on hurting me and as I also need to be loved. You know what I was actually thinking of going away for few weeks, may be months. Hoping for her to realize that shs really loves me more than anyone else. She probably is bored as she stays with the kids and the recent events when we get reunited with our old friends.

She also told me that there were still days she thinks about what if us didn't happen and how's his life with him.

[Confusedguy_27]

Sorry, it should be "how's her life with him".

[zippit]

She is obviously not happy you can start to work on that give her a break from the kids would be a good start and try to do something romantical with her and talk with her put your feelings aside and concentrate on hers she may always wonder "what if" but she is with you,not that you have to change but you can try to understand more

[adam_89]

Just have to say from reading the title to your post doesn't that tell you anything?

I find that a little weird. She is in love with him more than you? Maybe that should tell you something to do right there.

[ZoeMarie]

I support the idea of a mother and father raising their children together all under one roof. I really do. But as a kid that grew up and had a dysfunctional family, I can't say that staying together for the kids is always a good idea. They grow up to think that their relationship with their future husband or wife should mirror the relationship of the parents. If that's not a good relationship, then what kind of example are you trying to set for your kids?

To the OP. Talk to your wife. Tell her you want this to work, but that if she remains in contact with her ex that's never going to happen. Obviously she loves you, or she wouldn't have married you. See what she thinks about some marriage counseling because I'm sure a counselor would tell her the same thing. Then if that doesn't work, at least you know you tried. Good luck! And keep us posted.

[Confusedguy_27]

I know, it is weird and that I cannot understand. I tried to give her the life that she wanted. We're living a life.. it's just sometimes, you'll see the change in her moods.. she sings songs I know not meant for me, she talks to her friends about him. I mean, until now, she loves her ex and I can feel it. I know sometimes when she looks at me, she's thinking of someone else. I'm not sure if there is anything I can do to change that. Or is it something that can be changed/forgotten? Or it's all up to her on how she sees things? Im so insecure right now and it makes me feel not so good as a person. Damn, I hate this feeling.

[winding200]

then finally opened up herself again and told me that she still loves her ex-boyfriend more that she loves me. And the reason why she got married is because she knows I love her and will take care of her, besides of course his ex doesn’t want to take her back.

Gee, it is horrible to hear actually. I cannot believe she COULD say the rude word to you, the dedicated husband & father of her kids. She should think twice before she told you. She much slip or forgot about having coffee.

The flip side though, she has known that you are the good guy who will accept her, take care of her, and someone she can be with for life time. So, you are the winner not him. Brush it off, and keep doing what you are doing. I will not leave the happy family behind because of her inconsiderate word over dead relationship long time ago. Talking is cheap. It means very little. Ask her stop communicating with him, stop daydreaming, and focus on current marriage. Request full attention from her as husband. And keep working on the happy family with kids.

When you feel hurt, think about it. Who has been with her for past years? Who is with her now? He has gone for long time, and he is only a meaningless ghost. If she thinks there is something, it is her total misunderstanding. It is laughable. They were broekn up for long time, and there is nothing left. It is also nonsense if you want to leave because of her total 'non sense' word. Forget about it.

[talaniman]

I think she is blowing smoke up your butt to intentionally upset you so the trick is find out what it really is that's bugging her, and what you can do about it.

If she doesn't, want to talk it out, then go "fishing", for a few days, and let the emotional dust settle so you can ponder your feelings, and consider your options.

I think separation is better than talk of a divorce, so at least cooler heads can prevail, and better decisions based on facts, and not just hurt feelings, can be reached.

[Gemini54]

I think that it's incredibly selfish of her to tell you this after all this time. And then to blame you for something that she was party to herself reeks of emotional dishonesty to me.

If she has never really moved on from her Ex BF then she needs to make a choice as he's clearly unavailable. She either decides to get over him and honestly rebuild her life with you and the children or to move on and find someone else.

If she's unhappy in your relationship then I suggest she should confront that and deal with it rather then blaming you for the fact that her life is not what she hoped it might be.

The choices she made in the past can't be undone, but she can make good choices now and choose to save her marriage - instead of bleating about how she loves her ex more.

Let her know that you love her, but you won't be privy to emotional blackmail. She has to take responsibility for her choices, part and present. Then take some time away to let her reflect on this.

[Confusedguy_27]

Thank you all fpr the advices. Just to give an update, I stayed at home. We do talk occasionally but we just do things together only for the kids. We don't really converse so we don't fight and haven't talked about what happened.. maybe it's just the best option for now.

I think it's mutual now that the fit's not the feeling of being in love with the person as a foundation of us still being together, rather it's being together for kid's sake.

Still hoping we can sort out better way how to deal with this, but for now status quo.

Again, appreciate all the advices as a I badly need it at that time. :)

[finallinx]

I read some of the answers, and I'm not too pleased with what they said. I think talaniman makes a great point, unfortunately that sucks because if you're the jealous type then theirs nothing worst than wondering what she'll do with her time apart from you.

I think that you need to realize that she still thinks about her ex, or else she would've never said it, she fails to realize that he left her and there's a reason their not together. Please don't take this the wrong way but she has some nerve to even mention her ex, you should be upset with her, not show her understanding. Go on with your life, give those kids everything you can, even if it means pretending to have a happy marriage. Let time do it's thing, if she loves her ex you'll know and she'll eventually walk away so keep that in mind, and do everything possible to make your kids happy and have help them to be good kids. This situation sucks, I know, but there's nothing you can do about some else's emotions and you shouldn't allow someone to use you because you're a safe bet.

I'm sorry you're going through this and wish you and those kids the best of luck, treat them good, and try to mentally prepare yourself for an emotional upset... that's all you can do my friend

[jham123]

The reason a woman would tell her Lover of 8 years such at thing is found here...

A Shrink for Men

Gemini turned me onto it.

[Gemini54]

The reason a woman would tell her Lover of 8 years such at thing is found here.....

A Shrink for Men

Gemini turned me onto it.

Just take care with that site - it can be rather strident!

[Jake2008]

Your wife is living in a dream world- literally. She has this impression in her head of her ex, who has suddently turned into a super hero, capable of picking her up on his white horse and taking her off to a castle in the sky, where she will be blissfully happy, and all her needs will be met.

Uh... hello... snap out of it! The problem is not that she has this weird thing going on with her ex, the problem is, she doesn't see the real hero in her life-you. The one who has invested love, sacrifice, compantionship, honesty, fidelity, trust, and his entire life, to her, and the kids.

She has no idea how good she has it, or how childish and dangerous her fantacies are to the well being of her family, which she has put in second place.

That she wishes to keep nurturing this 'other' relationship, knowing that it can never happen, she is also justifying it with some lame excuse as to why she can't give 100% to you. While she has got you emotionally train-wrecked, she has the best of both worlds, and can pick which she chooses to live in.

I would hope that you would find the courage to stand up to her, insist that she attend counselling with you, and find out what the real reasons are for her discontent.

It sounds to me that she needs to grow up, take on the responsibility of raising her family, and making her marriage work, instead of investing another breath on this ex.

Don't fall for being at fault here, you aren't.

[ryquelm]

Well, its rough to hear...

Me and my wife met online, she sent me a message, we met, I fell in love, she moved in, we got married, we spent years together. (... ) She has been very obsessive with my ex girlfriends a lot, and it wasn't making any sense at all when I was concentrating only on her in my whole life. I was only trying to make her happy, when she was investigating my computer, cell phones and address books and stuff. She pushed me a lot, screamed and yelled at me for so many stupid reasons ( one of my friend's girlfriend who is close to me and they are living in europe :P writes a normal comment under my photo on Facebook. ) But I have never interested in anyone else, and always explained her how much I love her and how I'm committed to this relationship. I literally lost all my girlfriends and some of my bfs because of the insane drama. She believed that there was something wrong with me but cops are coming to our place every once in a while for very childish dramatic reasons like her attampting to commit a suicide with advils or she cuts her self and punches her head and feels insecure and inadequate. I supported her in the entire time and I took her to the therapy by convincing her that "i need a theraphy"... She was in depression for sure and she started taking medications, After 6 months she was feeling better, she wasn't still happy, she was yelling for still senseless reasons but she wasn't hurting her self. We stopped having sex as usual as it used to be and she stopped being obsessive as well.

Then I figured out that she started to contact her ex boyfriend that she had dated until a month before she contacted me first... They dated for several months I guess and they had some really romantic europe adventure that obviously she could not get over. And the whole story means that my relationship with her, my sacrifices and drama and lost friendships, my investments and everything including my big Love in my heart goes to the trash can.

Now we are in separation process and she still blames me by being a crappy mean rude boyfriend... And I surely deserved to be cheated on.

I think I know what is exactly missing. And I know its kind of sarcastic but I'm serious about this. We all need a huge, (HUGE) penis, -like some heavy meat- that these women can never venture losing it... not an average nice . Not a normal emotional romantic personality, not a decent muscular body, I'm telling you, a huuuuge meat.

Otherwise they don't have anything to loose and they are furious heartless and remorseless. And they only care about themselves

***

My advice to you my friend, I know you have 2 beautiful kids, and its not as easy as my situation, but you still should think about yourself too. Maybe a separation for a while will help you.. If your wife is not crazy, if you think that this is just a bad month or a season in your relationship, try to work it out, and forget about the senseless stuff that she told you. She will appreciate your maturity eventually. But if she is crazu, if you sense that crazy attitude, separate. Separate your ways. Leave her alone. Draw your limit and boundaries. So she will understand who she is dancing with... Otherwise your going to be her , and this will repeat itself...

[tara1]

I think she could not be in love with that guy after all these years, and two kids. Even though she feels she is. If she was not in love with you, you would have known in all this time. One or two sentences should not determine it. She thinks she is not in love with you because you are right there in front of her eyes all the time, and she hasn't found space to process some old feelings. Separate and disappear for a few weeks, and she will know better.

[tara1]

Your wife is living in a dream world- literally. She has this impression in her head of her ex, who has suddently turned into a super hero, capable of picking her up on his white horse and taking her off to a castle in the sky, where she will be blissfully happy, and all her needs will be met.

Uh....hello....snap out of it!! The problem is not that she has this weird thing going on with her ex, the problem is, she doesn't see the real hero in her life-you. The one who has invested love, sacrifice, compantionship, honesty, fidelity, trust, and his entire life, to her, and the kids.

Distance from you will make her realise this.

[mikewillans]

Take no notice of her dream about other man women are hard work. Try to make some more cash she will probably be happy then. If she keeps on about him try to cut a deal where he buys your commitment to your relationship and then use cash to get yourself a younger wife you will have a better time . Think like this and she will like your power or you get a younger wife win win