Should I leave my husband? And if so, How?

JacindaHope · #1 Jun 16, 2009, 12:05 AM

Hi

This is my first post on this site and I hope to answer questions in the future.
I am glad I found it.

SO LET ME GET TO MY QUESTION....

I have been married for 4 years and it has been MORE downs than ups.
I have left the military because of my husbands addiction to hard drugs, weened him off the drugs which took over a year, paid for some of his tickets, and supported him the majority of our marriage.
We have been physical, I went into the military with a black eye.
We have been verbally abusive and hurtful.
I say we because I don't want to pass all the blame. I get angry at things I have to go through because of his lack of concern for life or financial stability and it becomes a yell fest.

Over the last month I have lost my will to make this marriage work. Now he is drug free and finally been working for over a year. I thought I would be happy when all of this finally happened but I am not. I just feel love for him as a friend.

Last week was the last straw! He got drunk and into a fight. A bottle was broken over his head and we had to find a new apartment within a week. We spent two nights in a hotel and I missed a day of work and found this apartment. He never drinks but that is not the point.
Bad things tend to follow him endlessly!!!!

Now he is acting like everything is ok. It is SO NOT! I just spent the last two months listening to him tell me he doesn't love me anymore and he does not know if he loves me still. Yet he says he wants to work on our marriage.

I told him that I was sick of our relationship. I feel it is just a long downward spiral. And now he is trying to tell me he loves me again. It seems that when I was finally ok with ending the marriage he is trying to keep me with him.

I want to leave him everyday but I feel like I am leaving him 5000 miles away from his family and having to do it all on his own. He is NOT good at paying bills.

ON TOP OF THAT.. I have recently received a phone call from an ex boyfriend of ten years ago. We went out for five years without ever breaking up. We were best friends. It was the best relationship of my life. Now he wants me to move back to his state and live with him. He makes 80 grand a year and is promising me everything I ever wanted. But most of all the thought of having that great of a relationship again is the most I could ever want. I have always secretly wanted every relationship since then to be like that one.
THIS JULY WILL BE TEN YEARS TO THE DATE OF OUR BREAKUP!

I just don't want my life to be a living hell.

SHOULD I LEAVE MY HUSBAND???????
SHOULD I GIVE MY FIRST LOVE ANOTHER CHANCE IF I LEAVE MY HUSBAND???
I HAVE TO MAKE A DECISION AND I NEED TO KNOW HOW TO TELL MY HUSBAND!!!
HELP!!!

taoplr · Jun 16, 2009, 12:17 AM

Yep. It's your call, but I say get out before it gets more ugly. He's an addict and you know that addicts will say anything to get the next rush. So you can't negotiate anything lasting. He will try, but another event is right around the corner.

You are not responsible for his life, just yours. If need be, he can make it the 5000 miles to his family. Do what's right for you. Have the life you want. Be happy.

tao

450donn · Jun 16, 2009, 07:02 AM

Divorce your husband? At this point in time and from your description I would say yes. abuse is never to be tolerated no matter what.
Marry your first love? No, not at this time. If you leave and divorce your husband, you need to spend at least one year alone, no dating, no nothing. Spend that year finding out all about you and your wants.needs/desires. At the end of that year I would only give you a 50-50 chance of really wanting your first love again. Not because of who he is, but because of who you have become.

jjwoodhull · Jun 16, 2009, 07:10 AM

I agree that you have put up with an abusive relationship for too long. If your husband is bad about taking care of himself, then it is time for him to grow up and learn how. That is not a reason for you to stay.

As for the exboyfriend... With all you've been through, it would be a great disservice to you and him to jump into another relationship. You need to learn to stand on your own and get your life together. Also, the reality is that you don't know him. You know the version of him from 10 years ago. If you are even considering a serious relationship with him, then you need to step back and examime what it is within you that has made you so dependant on being in a relationship.

Good luck!

I wish · Jun 16, 2009, 02:45 PM

Unless you omitted to tell us a lot of details, there is nothing in your post that tells us that you should stay with him.

Quit torturing yourself and stop the pain and suffering. It's time to let go and move on with your life. You deserve better than this.

spudmommy · Jun 17, 2009, 01:06 AM

If you don't love him then you don't love him. Friendship is essential to marriage but it doesn't stand on its own. Don't stay because you're afraid he can't make it. You are not responsible for his freewill and determination. If there is children then there is even more reason to leave. However, to do it is harder than it sounds. The only way to know if you want to be divorced is to just do it (seperation first maybe?) In most people I have met, they never regretted divorce, only staying with someone they don't truly love for too long.

N0help4u · Jun 18, 2009, 04:43 AM

You need to concern yourself with you not him.
As long as you concern yourself with him you will never leave because there will always be just one more thing that needs fixed for him. His neediness and the things you hate will be the very thing that will always keep you attached to him.

You say he thinks some things are normal so leave him in his mess it IS normal to him and he WILL manage. You can not rescue him out of where he is content with. I have tried helping many people like this in my life and I have come to realize that if you aren't there they do get by because even though they look helpless they are survivors and they end up finding a way.

Move on for yourself. Don't let him hold you back.
If you stay you will look back in 10 or 20 yrs and regret it.
He will manage.

503person · Jun 18, 2009, 09:15 PM

I've noticed that with a lot of people when they are in a really bad relationship the ones they had in the past tend to start looking really, really good. I have no doubt that your first love was truly an amazing and wonderful person. But you are a different person now, and he is a different person now. Maybe it would work wonderfully, maybe it won't. You won't know that until you really know yourself. When you leave your husband, which I know you will because if you didn't want to you wouldn't even be thinking about the other guy or when you broke up with him, you need to stay single for a while, at least a year. You need to figure out who you are and what makes you tick. You may find that your ex boyfriend is nothing more than a really nice idea. Greener grass type of thing. Or you may find that he really is the guy for you. But you need to take some time first, get over your marriage (though it may seem that you don't feel sad over it, you still need to grieve if for nothing else but the loss of the marriage itself) and you need to make sure that you're got both feet on the ground before yo can really offer anything in a new relationship.

One thing that does go without saying though is that abuse is never ok, and his lackadaisical attitude about life and finances doesn't mesh with yours, and its not fair to you. You can't carry him on your back the rest of your life.

N0help4u · Jun 20, 2009, 06:14 PM

I agree with the others. Get out. Get a life for yourself. THEN get to know your ex over again and don't jump into a rebound with him.