My husband has lied to me. Right before we moved in together he threw a bunch of porn into my garbage can at my house. I asked him about it & he said it belonged to the guy that rented his house before him. They are military & he said the guy left the porn behind. I was upset. It was black, asian, & others. We moved in together. Got married. I was pregnant & very moody. I was also in a family crisis. Next lie, I asked if he had spoken to his mom. He said no. I saw in his phone he had , but he still lied & said the cell phone carrier is wrong. The next day he admitted he lied & said he did it to not upset me anymore b/c I was pregnant & he is trying not to stress me. I ended up with a miscarriage anyhow. Next lie is he went & bought a porno. We are tight on money (according to him) so he spent $50.00 on a porn video. I was angry b/c he had complained to me about $$$$. I found the video w/a magazine in his car about 3 weeks ago & I asked him about it. He lied & said it was from a year ago, but the date was on the magazine. He confessed & said he lied to not upset me. Later that day, while he was at work I saw him out in a public place & he told me that since we are over that he has not been truthful with me. He wanted to tell the truth. He said he was sexually molested by his father whom he has no contact with since he was a small boy. He also said he had gotten a dui in another country & had to seek a counselor. He originally told me he was trying to be a navy seal but got dropped b/c he had pneumonia. Now he said he did become a navy seal but since the dui & having to go to a psychiatrist they dropped him. I felt bad. We stayed together. Just a week ago he said he wanted to come clean & that he lied about his dad molesting him. He never was a navy seal, he did get pneumonia & was dropped. He also told me last year he gave his mom 120,000 dollars & he admits now that was not true. He said he wants to come clean b/c he feels guilty. He admitted to lying about himself since we met to llok good. He said he wanted me to feel sorry for him so he lied about his dad so he could try to keep me & make himself look goo by saying he was a navy seal. I tried to understand but real confused. He promised not to lie again. The other day I came home from out of town & asked if he was on the computer. he said no. Well I found he was & was looking at girls in bathing suits etc. I confronted him & he still acted as if he did not. He kept asking me "What website?" I knew he was lying. We talked later. He said he was looking on google for something else & the girls came up so he looked. They have nice bodies, but he did not want to tell me that b/c he thinks I would not believe him. He should me on the computer what he typed in & it was true. He was looking for salsa dancing in rota spain & these girls came up. I am totally confused and crushed. I keep thinking he is up to something as soon as I leave. Playng with himself, watching videos, etc. I don't know what to do. He says he has a problem he realizes b/c he always lied to friend, girlfriends, etc and it never affected anyone until now. He feels bad & wants to fix it, counselling, whatever. Should I take this risk? I do love him. He is kind etc, but he lies about this silly stuff. He said he was in ESL in school & kids were mean to him so he started to lie about himself to make him look better. That is what he did with me in the beginning, but couldn't go on. So he wanted to come clean. He said he lied about his dad in hopes to keep me. He lies to not upset me or b/c i won't believe the truth. He claims he wants to be better. What do I do stay or call it quits. Are his reasons for lying forgiveable? I don't want to constantly have fears of his lying. I explained to him I felt inadequate b/c he bought pron. Then the girls on internet. He says he loves me. Help.
So, strangeone, how does your post help tj? What do you think she should do to solve her situation? She is wondering whether she should divorce him. What do you think?
To me, divorce will not help nor hinder their problems. There is a much deeper issue than the marriage and it is at the individual level. If TJ decides to divorce, her insecurities will just morph to the next person in her life. Her husbands continuous attempts to impress others and lie to avoid uncomfortable situations will continue. They need to seek counseling, not a marriage counselor and decide if they will use their marriage to improve each other or to destroy each other.
Face the facts... guys are going to masturbate. That said... This guy is a compulsive liar. You cant trust him. Trust being blown in a relationship makes a bad one.
End it, move on.
Dont worry about his behavior. The only thing that you can control is your own behavior! You cannot gripe enough at anyone and get them to to tell you the truth or make them change.
You said that you had a miscarriage, your emotions and hormones etc. could be affecting this roller coaster ride you are on. It would be best right now just to see a counselor or a pastor right now whom you think that you could confide in. Work on YOU right now and deal with him later.
I do not know if he is a compulsive liarer. I have known many guys that had a tendency to "expand the truth" to give the appearance they are more than what they really are. The have more money (giving $120,000), almost becoming a Seal (being stronger or more manly). It was not they where bad, they just had self image issues that made them want to always be better than the next. When it comes to the Porn or looking at other women, he lies to avoid a situation he prefers not to be in. We also do not know what makes the situation uncomfortable for him. For example, does TJ get upset when he looks at another woman walking in the mall, or makes a comment about a movie star. Is she so jealous against any women that even looking at women in bathing suits on the internet upset her.
I do not get where trust really comes into the picture with what we know. Unless you are a Saint, there is not a single person that has not lied to their parent, boyfriend/girlfriend, and spouse. There is no person that supports a halo over their heads. TJ has not given anyone enough information to determine if he is untrustworthy. Beside, there is always three side to the story, his side, her side and the truth.
All I can say is 7 months ago I intercepted a txt from the girl my husband had been dating for about a year. We have been together 26 years (dated for 4 then married 22). I literally felt the earth move out from underneath my feet. I had suspected something for quite awhile but just thought I was being silly. He did all the classic affair things--changed his appearance, new clothes, shaving areas he never did before, started taking better care of himself, etc. I am attractive, intelligent, accomplished and was very careful about the guys I dated. Anyone who knows my husband would say he is the most honest and trustworthy person alive. I did not take him for granted and our sex life has always been good if not great. My husband has always been a flirt and he has not always been the most attentive man but we had a great life with 2 wonderful children. No marriage is perfect and I am not delusional. We had our issues and for the most part, our marriage was the one everyone envied.
I told my husband at the time I found out that I needed honesty and then I would be able to move past the emotional affair he was having with this girl. I knew it was because of his aging and insecurity. He had had some issues with turning 30 and 40 and is just a year away from 50. I knew he was just looking for an ego boost and unfortunately he chose to look outside his marriage. I had even just bought him a convertible as a gift for being such a great and supportive husband. Yes, he took her to lunches in our car that I am paying for to impress her.
Well, 7 months later, our lives have been nothing but complete h---! He blamed me until he found out the girl was no longer interested. He then began begging to make things right. I love him very much so I again told him complete honesty woud help us put it behind us. It would take me days to tell you but basically I found out he has some perversion issues, has kept trophies from his one night stands right before we met all these years (disgusting), lies constantly and without remorse or even the understanding that what he is doing is wrong. I have heard all the excuses such as: I didn't think it was important. I forgot about it. I didn't want to upset you. I knew you were jealous and paranoid (love the shifting blame). Those little girls want to do that with those men. (unbelieveable) and the list goes on. I have lost weight, been deathly ill and am basically trying to go through the motions until we can get our "marriage" resolved. It is a whole lot easier to leave a marriage before children and 26 years together. I have tolerated his abuse, neglect, lies and his cruel family so long I don't think I have the energy to do it anymore. His mother actually laughed when she found out he cheated on me, blames me and says I am getting what I deserve.
She has manipulated both of his sisters so much and controlled their lives and contributed to the failure of both of their marriages. She also is a pathological liar and will sacrifice anyone in her path to get what she wants. She has cheated us in business deals, lied to our children to negatively affect me and currently has destroyed the relationship between her daughter and her child.
I realize his family is pathologically dysfunctional and that his behavior is a result of his childhood and his mother. I know that academically but no one would stay in this relationship knowing what I know now. He has lied to me from day one and will continue to lie to avoid conflict, keep secrets and as a form of control. He has sworn on a Bible, he has promised to no end and he swears there is nothing else he is hiding. But, each time he swears this--within a day or two I find out something else. Now, I have seen the comments where someone says the wife must be looking for a lie--let me just tell you that when you find out that the person you loved doesn't exist and the person next to you is a pathological liar, you cannot trust them for your own sake. I have not listed the things he has done because honestly it is so embarrasing that I believed in someone who was so obviously self-centered and cruel to me. He has made me feel guilty for every mistake I have ever made. I have been told our entire marriage that I was too jealous but the truth is on some level I guess I knew he was not trustworthy. My heart is broken and my children will never be the same.
BOTTOM LINE--GET OUT NOW!!!!! If I had had the signs you have had, I would have never dated much less married my husband. He is the best actor in the world and plays the "good man" to a T. He has fooled everyone and he has never felt quilty for a single lie. He shed not one tear for my children or for me when I found out. He defended himself, covered his a--, defended the married other woman, blamed me, physically abused me and has emotionally abused me every day. Get out now--you still have a chance at a life. This man that I have loved since I was 19 is a pathological liar without normal emotions or empathy for others. He has learned to imitate acceptable behavior much like a sociopath. It is frightening and he will continue to tell me he loves me with the next lie on his lips.
GET OUT NOW!!!! Good luck to you and God bless you. I will pray that you find someone who deserves you and I ask that you pray for my family as well.
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