I have the first meeting with my attorney, my husband and his attorney soon. I learned in the preliminary meeting with my attorney that my husband is filing for custody, child support and alimony. The alimony is based on him saying that he does not have the income to maintain the home that he will retain since he runs an online business out of along with cash sales. I will retain a second home of near equal value. His business earns him approximately 30% more than he is stating due to the ease of hiding the cash sales. He has chosen to do this business for 10 years even though he has an MBA and also an engineering background. In my opinion he is a slack husband looking for an easy ride through life. I have worked two jobs to make ends meet and my income is about 40,000 more than what he claims.

He is also claiming that since he has been home daily with the kids (15 & 18) for ten years and I have worked long days and Saturdays that he should have custody along with support because he has raised them basically. He has at times been physically abusive toward my children (I had to get between them) and stop him from hitting them. He has constantly yelled at me until I was in tears, verbally abused, name calling and accused me of infidelity in front of my children. A control freak that just don't understand that no woman wants a man that shows zero respect for anyone.

Is it possible in Massachusetts that I may have to keep two jobs to pay him his wishes even though he has the MBA education, the earning capability and has in the past worked in upper management?

Scared and Nervous Responsible Mother, tired of taking care of a slack husband!

First several errors, just because he has a online business that means he needs a computer, not your main home, if you want to let him have that home great, but if not, you fight for the hosue you want, he can easily just connect a computer up in a hotel room and do a online business.

Next if he does a onlne business, there should or has to be a paper trial, credit card payments to a bank, paypal accounts, bank accounts where it depoists or cashes money orders, One thing for sure, it is not cash he is dealing in but checks, money orders and credit cards.

Next I will agrue that you worked two jobs to live a certain life style, not because you had to, you owned two homes,? That is of course not normal for most people just to start, he may have just followed a job he liked, and that is not always a bad thing.

I wll assume you have police reports of the abuse, so you can produce that as evidence. And of coure basically it will really come down to who the kids say they want to live with, at 15 this child gets to say who he wants to live with and normally the courts will agree, at 18 they can stay with anyone they want, since they are a adult most likely a joint agreement as to both paying for the 18 year old college should be agreed on,

I agree with Fr_Chuck. One other thing to consider is his "earning potential". If he is underemployed essentially some states will look at what is actual potential is not what he chooses to earn. This actually happened to me with an ex. The children are old enough to choose who to live with... and alimony is awarded in some states/not others. I would argue that you had to keep two jobs as he wouldn't seek work at him employable level. Your attorney should be pro-active. If he is just going to roll over you should consider a new attorney. Good luck.

I fully agree with both posters above, and you should reread their advice.

You need to have a serious talk with your attorney before you meet with your husband and his attorney. What do YOU want? Tell your attorney what YOU want. Screw your husband and his controlling behavior! You have finally managed to break away from someone you have described as an abuser. Be happy about that, grab and hold onto what you want to hold onto! Be in control of your situation and do not give him an inch. DO NOT let him intimidate you. Get angry. Find some fight in you. Push for what you want out of this. Pay him alimony? Tell your lawyer it will be a cold day in hell before you do that! You should not give a rat's behind what he is asking for. Ignore it. Sue him for all the things he is suing you for! Make it clear to your attorney what you want and tell him to do his job. That is what he is being paid for. He works for you. Start being a kick a$$ woman and take control of this situation before you end up losing custody of your 15 year old and all that you have worked for. Do you want your children to live with you? Then make it happen.

Ruby had a way for words tonight, and everyone of them true,

You need the meanest, most dirty fighting, most cheat them if they can, attorney you can find, divorce is a dirty fighting

And like she said, who cares what he wants, who cares if he wants this house or that house, you decide what you want, maybe both houses, go for it, make him fight for every penny.

LOL, Fr Chuck. I am actually trying to bite nc's butt a bit. nc0530, you need to find your backbone again! That is what I am trying to do here. Your writing tells me that you are a woman who has been pushed down and emotionally stepped on for years. He has made you doubt and second guess yourself. He has you convinced that you are going to lose in this divorce. You will NOT lose. You have just as much right to receive alimony as he feels he has. Probably more so. Especially if you retain custody of the kids. You keep your kids safe and keep them with you. You are a capable woman! You must be for you to juggle two jobs the way you have. Think about what you have achieved and accomplished for your family over the years. You need to get ANGRY, dig down deep, and financially kick him where the sun don't shine. Find the Oprah Winfrey in you and steamroll the guy! :p You CAN do it! If your attorney is allowing his attorney to dictate the rules, find yourself another attorney. Let your husband know his days of absolute power are over! :)

Well thanks for all of the comments. Actually went to the meeting with my attorney, my husband and his attorney. The result for the discovery period (90 days then in front of a judge for him to decide) is that he is the primary caregiver because he stays at home and makes his minimal income and that the 15 year cannot be left unsupervised. Since my income is double his income that he chooses to live with; an MBA but refuses to work and answer to anyone. His expense is slightly higher than his claimed income (he hides cash sales but I have proof that he earns it). His claim is that I chose a career instead of being a mother and he is home every day. He was awarded for the (90) days my children, I get them every other weekend plus I must pay him 1,700 per month for three months so he can pay his household expenses since he does not make enough money.

I asked my attorney how is this possible because he chooses to not work, he chooses to be underemployed, he has an MBA? My attorney said that this is just temporary and that he is building his case to bury him before the judge. Hubby continuously lied and talked over me so that I could not answer any questions, the control thing. My attorney said that now he understands what kind of character husband has and that in front of the judge he will bury him. All of this even temporary makes me physically sick and nauseated. It seems so unfair for husband to lie and say that I am a bad mother and I wanted the divorce and abandoned the family. I feel that when it is all over I will have to pay him to sit at home and be a lazy person, while I will still have to work two jobs just to pay my expenses and him. And then of course I am completely broke after paying him his allowance. Is all of this really possible? The controlling husband would not shut-up when I talked and my attorney would calm him down slightly. My attorney told me not to worry about any of it. He said that he NOW knows exactly what buttons to push on my husband when we go to the judge.

Promising possibly? I retained this attorney because he came highly recommended by several women to be vicious, demanding and winning in unfavorable cases.

Cried last night all I could cry and now I am ready to fight, but I am still very confused how husband could be so mean after all I have done for our family (housewife, mother, nurse maid, career mom, etc.) all the things that any loving mother and wife would do even when husband refused to do the same.

It's disappointment, but the war is not over. Try to stay calm and make the very most of the time you have with the kids when you see them. Don't say anything bad about their dad, make your time with them special and fun. And when you go to court let your lawyer beat him at his own game. Good luck!

The problem here is that your husband has been the primary caretaker. Yes, he has an MBA, but he has chosen to be a stay-at-home Dad. Was this arrangement discussed with you, as to whether that is what you wanted? He has chosen the tactic that you choose to be a working Mom. You haven't said that what he has said isn't true. That element, who will be available to parent your 15 year, will be the crux of his case. If you felt you didn't have any choice but to get two jobs to pay bills, because your husband just made the decision on his own to be a stay at home Dad, you need to make that clear to your attorney.

Nc, I am glad you have found the anger. That will help you in this fight. I think you do have a good lawyer. He was actually trading off the 90 days, which is a temporary decision, to use that meeting to listen, get a good handle on your husband's character, and strategize. What he will attempt to do, when you go in front of a Judge, is push those buttons on your husband. He is going to get your husband to have these outbursts in front of the Judge. It will show that your husband is not emotionally stable. Your lawyer may attempt to get your husband to be verbally abusive to you in front of the Judge. Your husband's lawyer, if he is smart, needs to try to get your husband to maintain his composure. In the scheme of things, his job will be a lot harder than your lawyer's job.

My advice would be to do as I said before and maintain constant contact with your attorney. DO NOT DISCUSS YOUR CASE WITH ANYONE in your life. It is very important to keep your mouth shut on this. Keep a running log of whatever your husband says, does, or threatens. Give your lawyer updates. He is going to need that to throw your husband and his attorney, off kilter, and get him to explode in front of a Judge. Doing that will help your case. In the end, understand that your attorney cannot make you any definite promises. He will do everything he can to win your case. But, it is all up to the Judge. Just maintain your composure when you are in front of the Judge and follow your attorney's lead.

First you need to get over this 'he has an MBA so could earn more' attitude. That has absolutely nothing to do with the situation. The facts are that he has run this business and been the stay at home caretaker for 10 years. You have accepted and lived with that setup for that time.

This means its very likely, he will get custody of the 15 yr old unless you can prove abuse.

Your attorney sounds like he's on the ball. So just trust in him. But I also suggest you look at this from the opposite viewpoint. What if you had been the stay at home mom? Wouldn't you expect him to support you?

Thanks Ruby for the words of support and I will state some facts to especially clear the air for ScotGem. Now you sound like my husband Scott. I trusted and he promised me as my husband and he never made good on his promises.

Here are the facts: Initially in my career I intended to become a CPA and then we discussed having children. During my pregnancy I was actually going to school and then opted to quit school to be a stay at home mom. My husband actually was working for a company in upper management that paid for his MBA and he worked his business part time (weekends only). THEN he decided to quit his management position that was paying exactly the same as my job. I panicked like any other MOM to be and WIFE. He made half hearted attempts to get another job but was denied due to not passing drug screening. He slowly increased his part time sales and convinced me that if I worked harder and more that he could make a tremendous amount of money in his business. I did see an increase in his sales but by no means were we running to the bank with cash. At (26 yrs old) and working a management position dealing with analytical numbers, I assure you that I better than anyone knew exactly what I wanted in my family life! A loving mother, loving and caring DO ANYTHING to please my man kind of girl. And stupid me, that is exactly what I did! He refused to work a real job and chose to continue working at home with minimal increases in sales, but convinced me that he had the big one coming. When you love someone and trust them, you make concessions! I became a birthing MOTHER, he still was not making any more money and WE had to LIVE. In order for this to happen I could not quit my job and do what we had discussed-stay at home MOM.

He then started talking about going into a small retail business doing the same as what he was doing online. Easy for him to want since I was the only one that had the income or the credit to make this happen. I refused for years and then I took a chance. I had a man that is a fighter, very controlling, demanding and intimidating to everyone especially me and my children. We discussed that if I signed and purchased a commercial property that we could also live in then he would double and triple his sales. This was immediately following an agreement that if we bought a vacation home and rented it, we could also combine any vacation money with it as an investment property. With the rentals and his established retail then we would have plenty of money and I could either quit or work minimum hours (part time). All of this was done based on his PROMISES as my husband.

We bought the rental property, I signed, I paid the 30,000 down from an inheritance. I signed for the commercial property and also took the loan for improvements and inventory. We discussed in order to get through the initial start-up of his business that we needed more money so HE said "No problem, I found YOU a part time job." I was furious but I took the job again based on his PROMISES-----Temporary until he made his truck loads of money--SOON BABY-SOON! Have to love and TRUST your spouse --RIGHT? Or at least the way I was raised is that you should based on the loving vows of marriage!

I was extremely angry and ready to leave then because now my trust was dwindling and the big thing was that I had lost RESPECT for him as a MAN, HUSBAND and providing FATHER. Again with this, I could not leave BECAUSE I did not want to disrupt my family with my children at 9 and 12 years old. I spent the last five years pushing him to get a job and he said he was an entrepreneur and would never work for anyone, all people are losers and idiots, he would never lower himself to the working level. This was one PROMISE that he made good on! I did choose to stay and insure that at least my oldest child made it through high school. I lived through H*** with this man for my children! Then he wanted a boat for the FAMILY--I said no way, I am not working even harder for you to have a boat! He told me that if I would become a CPA and change jobs and go to the BIG city, then we would not have any money problems! I refused this and he viciously said in front of our friends, "IF IT MEANS MORE MONEY THEN YOU WILL DO THIS AND IT IS NOT AN OPTION FOR YOU." At this point is when I started planning to get away from this irresponsible man that I gave my all to for many years just be deceived. I guess the kind of things that stay at home lazy entrepreneur husbands and dads do-RIGHT?

I became very cold toward him and cringed when he would scream and yell at me for asking him about Christmas money for our children. THEN he would rub me and actually ask for sex and kisses. I would refuse and of course he would immediately start screaming and accusing me of having an affair, in front of MY children. He refused to open his store after any argument, said he could not function; therefore even less money. But I still had to take the kids to school and then go to work after he would keep me awake all night screaming and accusing me that all of this was my fault. But Christmas was no problem to him because he knew that I would get a 1,000 dollar bonus from work. I then received a an additional 500 dollar bonus and I told him that I would keep this for a much needed weekend trip with my college roommates (women that I actually grew up with also).

One night he lost it and woke me up from sleeping, screaming at me wanting to know why I had 500 dollars in my purse that he had gone through looking for who knows what! I reminded him that we had discussed this money and he denied it of course and then it all fell apart. I was done and just could not take it anymore. This is when I told him that I intended to file for a divorce. We discussed over the next few weeks how we would split the property and he begged me to promise that I would make it as peaceful and easy as possible for our children with an agreed upon every other week with the children. Somewhere along the way he decided that he did not want to do this, he wants custody, alimony and child support and now he denies that we ever discussed any arrangements. For him to qualify for refinancing the home that he wants (commercial/home combo) his income needs to be higher or he has to get a job. This is why he is going after the MONEY, he never spent time with our children and he is using my (15 yr old) to guarantee his loan.

REMEMBER NOW---he did stay at home but I still did the cooking, cleaning, ironing, etc. the things that mother's and wife's do after I finished my job for the day. I would come home and he would be on the couch watching television while my children were telling me that they were hungry and mom what's for dinner? I did all the church functions, the school functions and the sport functions--NOT the NOW claiming to be PROVIDER and STAY AT HOME DAD! He NEVER did these things but is claiming it and I guess our society assumes that since he was home that he MUST have been the one raising the children. I can honestly say that I Love My Children more than anything in the world and I HATE HIM TEN FOLD to that LOVE.

He never abused me physically but many times I would have preferred the physical over the screaming and humiliating me in front of my teenage children and their friends, while I curled up on the couch, cried like a baby begging him to stop in front of the children.
I have gave my all for this man and will continue giving my all for my children.

I refuse to fold to insure that he keeps what he wants while I continue working two jobs to pay for it.

Nc, I am assuming that you reviewed all this with your attorney. Is your husband still abusing drugs? If so, you should discuss with your attorney about requiring your husband to go for testing prior to the hearing before a Judge.

Trust in your attorney and keep us posted on how it is going. :)

Thank you Ruby for the response-need someone to make me feel a promise in this matter. He had a history of alcohol and cocaine use abuse off and on in the first half of our (19) years, this is why he would fail drug screenings for job interviews. Since then he has not pursued a job, so I guess I am really not sure if he is clean or not. Often times in the last (6) months of being in the same house I would come home from work and my (15) year old would comment to me that his dad was drinking which generally meant a night of arguing for me. His attorney told my attorney before our meeting that my husband has few character flaws and is not very bright, so let's see if we can move through this temporary order quickly today. SHE (husband's attorney) also said to my attorney that she is not going to allow him to sit in front of the judge or speak during our hearing in front of the judge. This is because he will lose his cool and show his true colors. Is there any way that my attorney can force him into the hearing through legal channels?

You need to speak with your attorney about this. I really don't know. I cannot imagine that a Judge would grant custody without being able to meet both parties. You need to ask your attorney to find a "creative way" to force your husband to be at the hearing. As your lawyer if he can block their attempts to hide your husband from the Judge.

Nc, You misunderstand me. I'm not saying you shouldn't be angry at this loser or that you should give in to him. All I'm saying is that the fact that he has an MBA and coulkd be working at a higher paying management job has nothing to do with your current situation, especially as far as the law is concerned.

You need to give your attorney proof of his drug abuse, hiding income, child abuse, etc. Those are facts. Whining about broken promises, except as far grounds for divorce, won't fly with the court.

My apologies Scott, please understand that I am a very caring person and with all of this my focus is blinded by my anger at times. I do have proof of the income and I did not call the police when he would hit my son (shoulders, back, legs) the only proof of this would be if my son was asked I believe he would be truthful and as a loving mother I would hate to have this type of fear placed in him. The fight is really with the adults supposedly but I also do not want to lose my baby to such a mean man. My son is a responsible loving young man and I am thankful that he got those traits from me. It pains me to know that it is possible that I may lose my son to a father that is using him for leverage and I cannot talk to my son about this without looking like a bad person and causing him to defend his father. I would never do this even though I know that my husband has told my son that I was not happy living with them anymore and my job was more important than my family, this is why mom left us. I go out of the way to avoid any discussions about my husband with my children, he is still their father. In preliminary hearing for temp order I would state facts and hubby would dispute and viciously say I was lying followed by "You are unbelievable." Then the outcome would be what he wanted. How do you fight this and will this possibly be allowed in front of a judge? There was a dispute over some of the bills and he blamed these particular bills on my (15) year old and denied that it was him followed by "I called personally and asked and it was our (15 yr old) son, not me. You are unbelievable accusing me." I called today and verified that it was my husband and not my son as I had stated and already knew. He flat out lied about this, used my son in the process and won this argument. This is the part that scares me! It is not right to my children!

You can't get into a he said/she said with him. Now you know what he will testify to. So what youjr lawyer does is say things like:

Atty: At the preliminary hearing you said these bills were your sons. I have here a statement from the store saying they were yours. Do you still say they were your sons?

Your atty needs to hit him with things like that and you need to discuss the strategy with him. It sounds like your atty used the prelim to give him enough rope so he can hang him at the main trial.

Thanks Guys for the input and I understand what you are saying. Another question:
The husbands only claim at this point for custody of my 15 year old son and child support is that my son has a minor case of ADD. I go every 3 months to visit his doctor to insure the balance of his medication and it has never been stated that my son is incapable of anything or has to be closely monitored (supervised). He attends regular school and has never been involved in any type of special education programs and he is above average in his classes.

My husband continuously states that "The KID, not MY Child or OUR Child needs to be supervised and cannot be left alone "EVER" because he is medicated. You take him to the movies and drop him off to be with his friends and that is a very irresponsible mother and I would never do that; therefore I should be with me. He is medicated and incapable of doing things on his on, you are unbelievable leaving him with his friends."

This is his opinion and I will schedule a consultation with my sons doctor to discuss all of this and retain a copy of his updated medical records for my attorney. The most upsetting thing about this is that my husband is saying this about my son and what will my son think when/if he finds out about the thought of him not being capable?

Can my husband state this and it be believable by a judge without a medical opinion?

Nc, since you have that information on hand, I would suggest speaking with your sons doctor. Don't get into too many specifics other than what your husband has stated about your son. Ask the doctor, if that is his opinion. If he says no, ask him to write a letter stating that, or have your lawyer draft something that the doctor will be willing to sign. That is your proof.

Honey, you really should be talking with your lawyer about these things. He needs to know everything that your husband is stating. Your husband reminds me of a poker player who is playing with his cards on the table for everyone to see and keeps betting on his cards. He is serving you all the information he is hinging his case on, on a silver a platter.

I also think along with the doctors letter, you need to speak with your attorney about your son testifying who he would prefer to live with. At 15 years old, Judges will listen to the child's preference. The courts feel that they are old enough not to be manipulated by either parent when there is a custody battle.

Your atty should depose yout sons doctor so that testimony can be used in court.