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I'm married and in love with my married ex-boyfriend
Asked Aug 17, 2010, 11:01 AM
This is my 2nd marriage. I have 2 boys from my 1st marriage. My 1st marriage ended due to him cheating on me, and physically and emotionally abusing me. I was single/dating for 2 years. During this 2 years I met the most wonderful guy he was 15 and I was 21, but we broke up after 1year because he was 6 years younger than me, and that is a legal issue. About 6 months after we broke up I met my now husband. We met online, met the next day, dated for 2 months, I moved in, we got engaged, and then married on our 11month anniversary (it went fast to say the least). We have now been married for almost 7 years. About a month or so ago, the ex-boyfriend contacted me through FB, and we have been talking and seeing each other. Please let me stress that nothing intimate has happened. We have discovered that we are still madly in love with each other and want to be together. He is to say the least my soul mate. My current husband knows that I used to date him before we met and knows all about mine and his relationship, but does not know that I have been talking/seeing him. I love my husband, but I am not "in love" with him. I don't honestly know that I have ever been in love with him. But he is a good man, and a good father to my 2 boys. We are just more like room mates living in a house together. We don't have sex hardly ever, and we just don't have anything in common.
Now the other man, is also married. He has been married for almost 3 years. He also loves his wife, but is not in love with her. (I think we both confirmed not being "in-love" with our spouses after realizing how "in love" with each other we still are.) He is getting ready to join the military reserves and once he gets done with training and school wants a divorce from his wife. He wants to spend the rest of his life with me, he has made that perfectly clear. I want a divorce from my husband, but I am scared because I don't want the divorce for any reason other than I don't want to spend my life married to someone that I am not in love with. I do however, want him to still be apart of the boys life. He has been an amazing dad to them, that I can not deny, and I would want him to still be in their lives on a full-time basis. I have tried to talk to him about the issues I have in our marriage, and he just doesn't see it.
So my ultimate question is how do I tell my husband that I want a divorce because I am not in love with him anymore?
PLEASE UNDERSTAND I AM NOT GETTING A DIVORCE TO BE WITH THIS OTHER MAN.
Once I divorce my husband, my boys and I will be getting an apartment and I will be living on my own, and the relationship with the other man will progess as a normal relationship.
I don't know what to do. I am so incredibly, head over heals in love with the other man... my soulmate!
HELP! WHAT DO I DO?
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Aug 17, 2010, 12:00 PM
Have you tried marriage counseling? Would he be willing to go? Would you be willing to give him that chance if your ex wasn't in the picture?
How do you tell him you want a divorce? You send the children off to a babysitter and you sit down and talk with him about how bad things have gotten and how your feelings have changed. You realize he has no legal ties to your children but you hope that he will be willing to be in their lives (I personally think that is a bad idea for everyone concerned. It confuses the boys and keeps things awkward for the two of you.) You should also be ready for one of you to move out almost immediately. Hopefully, for the sake of your children, he will be willing to have an amicable divorce.
I think you should also be honest with yourself about what you are doing now and what your expectations for the future are. Nothing physical may have happened yet, but you are carrying on an emotional affair.
I think you are caught up in the past and hoping the grass is greener in the yard that isn't yours. There will still be children to raise, bills to pay, and another person to communicate and build a relationship with (if your/his plans work out.)
Perhaps, being on your own will be a good thing for you. Time to know what you really want in a relationship.
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Senior Family & People Expert
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Aug 18, 2010, 06:54 PM
Let me start with the really fast uninformed choices you have already made in your life, that have landed you in this loveless marriage, and maybe its time to slowdown, and do things a bit better.
You want a divorce, get one, and be honest with this guy about how it ain't happening, and build a life for yourself, and your kids that's happy, and healthy, without the other guy. Even kids pick up on mommy moving from one guy, to another really fast (again). That's just not fair to them. After a proper time of adjustment, when the other guy has done what he has said, and gotten his act together, then you can see what's down the road later.
The main thing would be to break the cycle of dumb impulsive decisions, that had you with two kids, and two husbands already. Now after a year of talking to the formerly under aged guy, your about to make it the third husband in how many years? I didn't bother to do the math, but it adds up to poor choices, and from the outside looking in, cheating, and being less than honest with husband 2, is yet another red flag that you have personal issues to be addressed, and are about to repeat a pattern you should have recognized by now, may not be healthy, or wise for the kids you have.
Sorry, but for once being on your own, and dealing with your personal issues, may be a lot better of a choice, since I doubt you consider dealing with your personal issues NOW, in an honest way before you screw up yet again. Sorry I meant make another mistake. I guess cheaters. And those that mess with under aged people (adults messing with kids to be straight up about it) are not my favorite people, and my prejudice shows.
I apologize for being that harsh, but even you have to see you don't make very good choices for yourself within the boundaries of good behavior, or thoughtful reflection, and I feel that's what you honestly need. And some good guidance down a better path.
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Dec 23, 2010, 03:25 AM
I don't know if you read the bible or you're a Christian, I just want to share this to you I hope it'll give you something to reflect on...
Divorced and Bible
You asked if I had any opinions or experience on issues related to marriage and divorce, well, no I do not have any experience with dealing with such issues, and I don't think my opinions are important, what really matters is what is God's opinion, for if we have chosen to make Jesus Christ the Lord of our life, we need to ask in every situation: "What is it you want me to do Lord?" And God has revealed to us many things about His will in the Bible, and the Bible is not silent about marriage and divorce. Here are a few Scriptures that I have found about divorce:
But I say to you that whoever divorces his wife for any reason except sexual immorality causes her to commit adultery; and whoever marries a woman who is divorced commits adultery.Â
The Pharisees also came to Him, testing Him, and saying to Him, "Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for just any reason?" And He answered and said to them, "Have you not read that He who made them at the beginning "made them male and female,' and said, "For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh'? So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate." They said to Him, "Why then did Moses command to give a certificate of divorce, and to put her away?" He said to them, "Moses, because of the hardness of your hearts, permitted you to divorce your wives, but from the beginning it was not so. And I say to you, whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced commits adultery." His disciples said to Him, "If such is the case of the man with his wife, it is better not to marry."
"Whoever divorces his wife and marries another commits adultery; and whoever marries her who is divorced from her husband commits adultery.Â
1 Corinthians 7:10-16
Now to the married I command, yet not I but the Lord: A wife is not to depart from her husband. But even if she does depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband. And a husband is not to divorce his wife. But to the rest I, not the Lord, say: If any brother has a wife who does not believe, and she is willing to live with him, let him not divorce her. And a woman who has a husband who does not believe, if he is willing to live with her, let her not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband; otherwise your children would be unclean, but now they are holy. But if the unbeliever departs, let him depart; a brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases. But God has called us to peace. For how do you know, O wife, whether you will save your husband? Or how do you know, O husband, whether you will save your wife?Â
Basically I understand these Scriptures as saying that divorce is not the way to go in your situation. For under the New Testament there are only two reasons for which a person is permitted but not obliged to have divorce:
-Infidelity of the spouse
-An unbelieving spouse abandons you
This may be a hard truth to swallow, just remember God does know what is best, and He does not give us laws and commandments to make our life difficult and miserable, he gives us laws because He loves us and wants the best for us, our family and our community.
Many people say that their life is miserable because of their job, marriage, financial situation or something else, they change partners, jobs, houses, cars, etc... trying to get rid of the problems, but they fail to realise that the problem is not their circumstances, but it is how they deal with their circumstances. Instead of changing our circumstances, we sometimes need to change ourselves. This is difficult to admit, that the real problem is sometimes in our own heart, or our own attitude, or our own behaviour.
Many times we pray for God to change our circumstances, and instead of changing our circumstances, God changes us. God is in the business of changing hearts and transforming lives, we need to surrender our lives to Him and ask Him for help in doing the right thing. Because with God's help nothing is impossible, He can bring you joy and peace even in the most difficult circumstances, you need to trust Him, the fact is divorces create only more problems, they do not fix anything.
My advice is love your husband, and pray to God for help to be everything He has created you to be. Trust God and have faith in Him to work a miracle in your marriage relationship. To get a divorce would be to give up on God, it is like saying to Him "I don't believe you can fix this problem, so I will just try and remove it myself."
Relationships are like gardens, they need time and attention. Love it, Weed it, water it, prune it, care for it, protect it and it will flourish and bloom. Neglect it and it will wither and become infested with weeds. We reap what we sow. Sowing kind and loving words and actions is like sprinkling the relationship with nutrients, but sowing unkind words and actions is like sowing weeds.
Scripture also says that God hates divorce (Malachi 2:16), It only brings pain and suffering, especially to the innocent children. Divorce corrodes society, for it destroys families that are the building block of society. Divorce is always contrary to God's will.
Anyway, I pray that you stay strong in the faith, and seek to know the truth, live the truth, and spread the truth.
May God bless you, your marriage and your family with many blessings
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