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How do I get my husband to move out.

Asked Feb 28, 2008, 04:46 PM — 28 Answers
I've been married 20 years. We have 3 children, 15, 14, & 8. I was going to leave him 8 years ago, figure the math...but I LOVE my little guy!

My husband lost his job 4 years ago and we agreed it was better for him to stay home w/our littlest...I had a very good paying job.

I lost my job last January and I have not been able to find work 1 year later. I tried to prepare as I knew my job was ending despite my longevity of 20 years w/co. So I curbed spending and PAID OFF DEBT for the past two years. Now we are DEBT FREE, house is paid off, no car loans..however MY HUSBAND WILL NOT FIND A JOB! I have taken menial jobs and we're spending every dollar I had saved...we may have to dip in to 401K...I am back in school trying to finish my undergrad. Degree hoping that it will give me a boost in finding another job...I should be done in Dec w JUST AN AA! But I'm determined to do it..

I went to a lawyer to explain the situation that my husband REFUSES to look for work. He is still in Mr. Mom mode despite my being home and BEGGING, PLEADING showing him the finances and how we'll be living on credit soon! And still he refuses to look..my kids know what's going on since I would get very upset..I ALWAYS worked and for some reason, a job is not coming to me despite my efforts...

I loved my husband and still do however this is too much on me..he doesn't drive so can't take the kids to their "appointments".. He does cook and laundry (cleaning & fixing up the house are MINIMAL..)..

Anyway, the lawyer..I went thinking I could serve him and maybe IGNITE some urgency and the lawyer explained that in NY there are four reasons for a divorce (unless mutually agreed which my husband REFUSES despite my many many requests..) they are:
Abandonment - which I won't do since I paid for the home, Adultery (He's a recluse so never leaves), No sex for a year (since he's moved downstairs two years ago and stays in the guest room, we're moving up on time almost 3 months..) or mental abuse (he's mentally abusing me but I can't prove it and I get so frustrated w/his lack of looking for work I was abusive to him which I have now stopped (spiritual help, etc. So that I don't lose everything)..

Here's the thing he's a NICE guy, everyone likes him its JUST THIS PROBLEM and he doesn't go on vacations w/us,s topped that a few years ago..rarely goes to kids activities, I BEG him to go..

I want to MOVE on..and I'm trying in spite of his behaviors but I also want a companion who is interested in doing things and NOT watching the B. HIll billys every night!

HOW CAN I GET AROUND THIS? (Oh, yes after my family's insistence, I did take away the credit cards and access to money..(not sure how he's paying for his weekly beer delivery though.).

PLEASE if anyone has a solution to how I can get him to MOVE ON..either a job or OUT, please please please share...Its very difficult..

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28 Answers
N0help4u's Avatar
N0help4u Posts: 16,954, Reputation: 9423
Uber Member
  
#2

Feb 28, 2008, 04:57 PM
How I can get him to MOVE ON..either a job or OUT---ultimatum

My way or the highway

BUT remember the grass isn't always greener

IN fact all I ever find are dead weeds!
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talaniman's Avatar
talaniman Posts: 44,377, Reputation: 50376
Senior Family & People Expert
  
#3

Feb 29, 2008, 06:45 AM


Obviously, he thinks being a stay at home dad, is more important than helping you pay bills. Since everything is paid for, then you need a budget adjustment, to live within your means. What you have descibed is what men have been dealing with for a long time, and I think unless you leave, he ain't going nowhere, and why should he?
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gtjmichael's Avatar
gtjmichael Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
New Member
  
#4

Mar 1, 2008, 06:04 AM
Interesting, yes, that's exactly what the lawyer said to me! I worked so hard to avoid not being dependent and now when I need it I'm where I always feared I would be where most people are today in this economy....


I really don't want to postpone my degree..after this semester I'm only 15 credits away from my goal! But it may have to be for awhile until my family is stable...

Thank you for your answer.

MM
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Rooney143's Avatar
Rooney143 Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
New Member
  
#5

Mar 2, 2008, 10:51 AM
Quote:
Originally Posted by gtjmichael
I've been married 20 years. We have 3 children, 15, 14, & 8. I was going to leave him 8 years ago, figure the math...but I LOVE my little guy!

My husband lost his job 4 years ago and we agreed it was better for him to stay home w/our littlest...I had a very good paying job.

I lost my job last January and I have not been able to find work 1 year later. I tried to prepare as I knew my job was ending despite my longevity of 20 years w/co. So I curbed spending and PAID OFF DEBT for the past two years. Now we are DEBT FREE, house is paid off, no car loans..however MY HUSBAND WILL NOT FIND A JOB! I have taken menial jobs and we're spending every dollar I had saved...we may have to dip in to 401K...I am back in school trying to finish my undergrad. Degree hoping that it will give me a boost in finding another job...I should be done in Dec w JUST AN AA! But I'm determined to do it..

I went to a lawyer to explain the situation that my husband REFUSES to look for work. He is still in Mr. Mom mode despite my being home and BEGGING, PLEADING showing him the finances and how we'll be living on credit soon! And still he refuses to look..my kids know what's going on since I would get very upset..I ALWAYS worked and for some reason, a job is not coming to me despite my efforts...

I loved my husband and still do however this is too much on me..he doesn't drive so can't take the kids to their "appointments".. He does cook and laundry (cleaning & fixing up the house are MINIMAL..)..

Anyway, the lawyer..I went thinking I could serve him and maybe IGNITE some urgency and the lawyer explained that in NY there are four reasons for a divorce (unless mutually agreed which my husband REFUSES despite my many many requests..) they are:
Abandonment - which I won't do since I paid for the home, Adultery (He's a recluse so never leaves), No sex for a year (since he's moved downstairs two years ago and stays in the guest room, we're moving up on time almost 3 months..) or mental abuse (he's mentally abusing me but I can't prove it and I get so frustrated w/his lack of looking for work I was abusive to him which I have now stopped (spiritual help, etc. So that I don't lose everything)..

Here's the thing he's a NICE guy, everyone likes him its JUST THIS PROBLEM and he doesn't go on vacations w/us,s topped that a few years ago..rarely goes to kids activities, I BEG him to go..

I want to MOVE on..and I'm trying in spite of his behaviors but I also want a companion who is interested in doing things and NOT watching the B. HIll billys every night!

HOW CAN I GET AROUND THIS? (Oh, yes after my family's insistence, I did take away the credit cards and access to money..(not sure how he's paying for his weekly beer delivery though.).

PLEASE if anyone has a solution to how I can get him to MOVE ON..either a job or OUT, please please please share...Its very difficult..
I feel for you. I'm in a similar situation and I want out. I'm stuck though. He works and I can't find a job. Four kids and he's very abusive. I have no money and nowhere to go. I'm so sorry that we have to go through so much to have a little happiness.
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N0help4u's Avatar
N0help4u Posts: 16,954, Reputation: 9423
Uber Member
  
#6

Mar 2, 2008, 10:55 AM
If kids nowadays only realized this is where it ends up when they HAVE to have the abusive guy with red flags.

I wrote this and I think it sums it up pretty much

Why she stays (the progression)

She stays because he is so loving when he wants to be

She stays as she blocks out the memories of his rages hoping someday he will be who he once was

She stays as she goes about her daily routine trying to maintain some level and sense of a normal facade

She stays because she was taught 'for better or for worse' even if it means enduring the abuse

She stays hoping the next dark moment won't happen for sometime long from now as she tries to hold her family together on her own

She stays because he has beaten her independence, individuality and self esteem down to non existent

She stays because he controls her mind, her freedom, her life, the money, the car

She stays because he has convinced her she deserves the beatings; that she only needs to try harder to please him

She stays because she holds on to the blame as hers and hers alone

She stays because she is isolated and he is all she has left

She stays because she fears the unfamilar more than what she has learned for survival

She stays because she doesn't want to drag her kids down an endless trail of uncertainty

She stays because it seems easier dealing with the pain than to leave with a sense of shame

She stays because to leave and start all over doesn't seem like a viable option

She knows if she kicks him out he is psychotic enough to ignore the PFA the present threats are scary enough, but she has learned to cope and keeps false hope she stays because she fears of losing all she has struggled for

These are not her excuses; this is her reality

I realize not all these steps are applicable to all BUT....!
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George_1950's Avatar
George_1950 Posts: 3,101, Reputation: 1283
Ultra Member
  
#7

Mar 2, 2008, 11:59 AM
Gtjmichael writes: "the lawyer..I went thinking I could serve him and maybe IGNITE some urgency and the lawyer explained that in NY there are four reasons for a divorce (unless mutually agreed which my husband REFUSES despite my many many requests..)"
Surely, in a big, progressive state like NY there are other grounds for divorce; what about the 'no fault' or irretrievably broken' ground?
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N0help4u's Avatar
N0help4u Posts: 16,954, Reputation: 9423
Uber Member
  
#8

Mar 2, 2008, 12:20 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by George_1950
Surely, in a big, progressive state like NY there are other grounds for divorce; what about the 'no fault' or irretrievably broken' ground?
I think no fault is both parties agreeing
Irretrievably broken I think she has to have some issues that follow the irretrievably broken guidelines.
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George_1950's Avatar
George_1950 Posts: 3,101, Reputation: 1283
Ultra Member
  
#9

Mar 2, 2008, 12:52 PM
Quote:
Originally Posted by N0help4u
I think no fault is both parties agreeing
Irretrievably broken I think she has to have some issues that follow the irretrievably broken guidelines.
No, couldn't be, not in a big, progressive, Hillary state. Irretrivably broken means one party, only, saying there's no hope for reconciliation. She - Hillary - would never have consented to be a big-shot, U.S. Senator in a state where a woman had to have her husband's consent to obtaining a divorce in a court of law. That would be like going back in time before the pill and pant suits. I"m going to try to get JudyKaytee on this.
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gtjmichael's Avatar
gtjmichael Posts: 5, Reputation: 1
New Member
  
#10

Mar 2, 2008, 02:16 PM
Unfortunately, NY State law states the four reasons I described. Abandonment, abuse, no sex for a year (which HOW are you supposed to prove that?..) adultry...

No irr. Differences...UNLESS he mutually agrees, which he won't, why should he? He knows I'll do whatever I have to do for my kids...I agree that its antiquated and for me EXTREMELY frustrating to sit in a lawyers office and explain that my husband REFUSES to look for work and I HAVE NO RECOURSE. The lawyer suggested we move out of state, get the divorce and then come back since NY Law would rule in my keeping most of my 401 K...

PLEASE, PLEASE let me know if there are ANY loopholes that I could explore aside from packing up my kids and leaving him in a house that he can't pay the electric on.

Thank you!
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