Easing a Custodial Mom's Fears

stepmom609011 · Mar 1, 2009, 05:37 PM

I'm a stepmom of 11 years to two adult children. I'm writing a book for stepmoms in non-custodial situations, and want to include a chapter on dealing well with the custodial mom. Specifically I'm looking for a list of fears a custodial mom has, and what a stepmom can specifically do to help ease the mom's fears. I'm open to all ideas.

stepmom609011 · Mar 12, 2009, 04:50 AM

DoulaLC:

I certainly appreciate all of your input. And you're absolutely right in advising Dalliesgrrl to take the high road. There is no regret on that path.

The goal of my book is to help stepmothers focus on determining their role and place in their stepfamily, and how to do what's best for their family (self, husband, stepchildren) despite the sometimes negative actions and reactions of everyone involved in the stepfamily (including husband, kids, biomom, extended relatives, etc.).

The road a stepmom travels from being an outsider to becoming an insider can be very difficult. I can offer encouragement and hope.

The last bit of research I'm doing focuses on the dysfunctional relationship and communication patterns that are pervasive in divorced families and stepfamilies. A wife/stepmom can be a catalyst in helping to change those destructive patterns in her family.

I think I'm rambling now . . .

DoulaLC · Mar 12, 2009, 07:41 AM

Ahhh, that's right.....my mistake. I knew it was for the stepmother, but went off in the direction of it being for the biological mother. However, that's another angle....maybe for your next book!! Good luck with it....

Dalliesgrrl · Mar 12, 2009, 09:29 AM

The thing that's always kept me going in my adventures as a stepparent is that time will mend everything. In time, my stepdaughters will see the person their father really is, and they'll also see the person their mother really is. It may take many, many years, but it will happen.

That's how it did for me. I never disliked my stepmother and we got along ok, but my mom was my mom and there was no beating that. It wasn't until my adult years that I was able to see the torture my mother put my stepmother through, see the person my step mother is, and then also come to see the person my actual mother really is.

In the mean time, I do everything in my power to assure my stepdaughters are loved, cared for, and don't hear or see the nastiness of our situation. I can only hope their mother does the same...

Dalliesgrrl · Mar 12, 2009, 09:33 AM

Oh.. if you want some input from a Biomom who HATES the stepmom in her situation, I'd LOVE to give you the contact info for my husbands ex! :P jk I'm sure she'd love to tell you plently.. although I doubt any of it would be helpful.

I will add: The main catalyst of our situation is that I was the badguy from the start: My husband met me while he was still married. Although we didn't start dating and living together until after the divorce was long underway, the discovery of me alone made things even worse. Of course, my husbands ex wife assumed the worse and accussed of being together long before we were, but there's no fighting the monster that's angered.

For that, I have never been able to make way. I'm always "The Mistress"; it's been nearly 3 years and 3 kids later.

DoulaLC · Mar 12, 2009, 09:44 AM

Actually it would be good to get input from both stepmothers and biomoms. As a stepmom, I make sure I follow the things I have stated before. As a biomom I want my children's stepmother to do the same.
I think it can obviously depend on the individual situation. Whether it is accurate or not, if the biomom feels the stepmom had a hand in the demise of the family unit, she is likely to be upset. The mature approach, however, would be to not allow that hurt and/or anger spill into how the children are dealt with, what they are told, or how the stepmother is portrayed.
Children will often figure things out as they get older and have a better understanding of what has been, and is being, said from all parties involved.

stepmom609011 · Mar 12, 2009, 11:31 AM

I'm still holding out hope that I'll get some more biomom feedback on this topic.

AlpineAnnie · Mar 18, 2009, 05:50 AM

I think that writing a book about step-mothers is an awesome idea but I hope it includes a chapter on being a custodial step-mother as well. When I got married, my husband had custody of his daughters so I became the custodial step-mother. I looked everywhere for help and found little or no information. I could now write a book myself.