This is a long story/issue that I will try to make short. I've been married for 10 years. We have a five year old beautiful son. Here's what I’ve been struggling with for over a year now.
First, I do not love not husband at all anymore. Not even close. He's a good father but a terrible husband.
We both know we are still married solely because of our son. He wants another child and so do I. He's actually commented about lets have another child and just get divorced when they are older. We both want our son to have a brother or a sister.
I told my husband I did not want another child with him about a year ago and explained why. I don’t love him. He never helps out at home with work around the house like laundry, cooking, cleaning, etc. We never talk and have no interest in each other anymore. We both work full time.
We have not had sex in almost a year. He wants sex and I have no interest. We do not kiss, talk, or do anything a couple should do. He's not at fault on everything I know...but fact is I don't love him anymore and don't want to be with him.
I went through a period last year and said we would have another child. I then changed my mind because I could not picture living this way for the rest of my life. Problem is I'm struggling with having another child. Most of my family/friends say I should have another child even when some of them know I'm unhappily married. I would like my son to grow up with the experience of a sister and or brother. My son even said he would like a brother which broke my heart.
Ok, gets worse...I'm in love with someone else that I've been seeing for several years. Yes, I've been having an affair for several years. It stopped for a few years when I had my son but we eventually got back together. I fell out of love with my husband years before I met this person.
This person is everything I want in a partner and I love him with all my heart. He's been married, but got divorced about 15 years ago and never remarried nor has any children. He said he would love to have a child with me. Due to me still being married and our ages, I don’t feel it’s realistic we would eventually be able to have another child. He told me he wants to be together no matter what, with or without children. I know he would make a great father. He's 40 and I'm 38.
I told him about six months ago that I decided to divorce and not have another child. I decided one child is fine and that I would just give my son the best life I can provide him. I told him I would be asking for a divorce sometime shortly after the New Year.
For some time I felt fine with my decision but in the back of my mind was always bothered by the fact I would not have another baby. Recently I told him I was struggling with my decision to divorce because of wanting another child. I told him it had nothing to do with my husband, only because of wanting another child. He of course was devastated. He has been patiently waiting for me for over a year, for me to make a decision. I feel awful for making him wait and have told him several times that he should leave and find someone else. He said I’m worth the wait and neither of us want to end it.
It know if I stay married and have another child; it would fulfill my need for having a second child. I also fear of all the additional work a second child will make but know the benefits of having another also. I also know if I stay married, I will never be happy with my husband and know eventually we will divorce. I’ve been told that divorcing when children are older are much more dramatic on them as opposed to when they are young and don’t totally understand what’s going on.
I also know if I stay married and have another child, the person I'm madly in love with and who I want to spend the rest of my life with will leave for good. He already told me that.
I hate living with this secret and having to lie all the time to see the person I love. I just don't want to lose him. But want another child...sometimes I think I can live without another one and sometime I think I would regret not having another one. I know I will regret losing the person I love.
Lastly, he told me come the New Year, if I can't make a decision he will move on and not look back. He’s told me my inability to make a decision, is to him a decision, not to be with him. I obviously understand.
I don't know what kind of an answer you are expecting. This is such a reflection of an emotionally bankrupt point of view, I am stunned.
I cannot help you undo all the harm you have done by your deception and lies. You have built a life with two men, and both of them are left hanging by your selfishness over making a decision to have another child and/or stay with your husband?
Your affair as you said, has gone on for years, yet you have only been married 10 years. I feel really, really sorry for your husband wanting another child with you, while you debate your marriage with the man on the side. How can you use people like that, and have the nerve to ask for help? Just what do you expect people to say. Go ahead- divorce your husband, it sounds like a mutually agreeable decision because there is no way he can repair what he doesn't know is wrong- ie the other guy.
Go ahead and have another baby with the guy on the side, what the hell, it's all about you anyway. But, you want the baby to have the same father as your son, with is about the most selfish thing I have ever heard in my life. Having a baby with a man you don't love, who you have deceived for years, only to likely leave him, hook up with the boyfriend, and have a step-father raise them.
To be honest with you, I wish both men knew about eachother, and they both dumped you. One does not need to be a father to a child by deception, and the other doesn't deserve to be played as a possible father substitute.
You need counselling in the worst possible way. Please don't bring another child into this world under these circumstances. If you love your son, make a decision as to which father you wish him to have, and get the divorce if you choose the man on the side. In my opinion, you have lived a lie for the last 10 years, and you don't deserve either man.
Sorry Tina, but your post affected me in the worst possible way.
You want a child because YOU want a child - and you have given NO thought to the environment that child will be brought up in.
An environment where you don't love your husband (potentially the child's father), an environment where your children will grow up with your damaged relationship as the example they will carry with them for their own relationships, an environment where infidelity is acceptable, an environment where their mother thinks only of herself, and environment where their mother will eventually divorce their father because she believes it won't harm them when they are older.
Sincerely, I think that you should get your tubes tied. You are not an example of a person that has integrity let alone a mother that has integrity.
I apologize if this seems harsh, but you need to hold a mirror in front of your face and really look at yourself.
Is the person you are now the person you want your child (children) to see?
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