At Ask Me Help Desk you can ask questions in any topic and have them
answered for free by our experts. To ask questions or participate in
answering them you must register for a free account. By registering you
will be able to:
Get free answers from experts in any of our 300+
topics.
My wife and I have been married for a little over 7 years now and we have a great 5 year old daughter together. I have been unhappy now for probably about 4 years. I love My daughter more than anything in the world and would do anything for her which is why I think I have stayed. My wife still loves me she says but I don't feel any connection to her, physically or emotionally. I guess my question is, is it right for me to put myself first and leave my wife even though my daughter would be invovled or do I stay for her sake and just go on the way I have been?
I also fear that my daughters life will be turned upside down because we would most likely have to sell our house and I fell bad not only for my daughter but for my wife. I don't want to hrt her but I also think I deserve to be happy, am I wrong? We tried counseling but I just don't have those kind of feelings for her anymore. Any help would be greatly appreciated.
I would like to ammend my post to say one I have had counseling on my own and I did not seem to find any good answers to why I fell in love with her or why I fell out of love. I do care about her and don't wish her harm and I don't see her as just a mother but I am also not physically or emotionally attached to her. We are not intimate and that has been an issue which we tried to work on but it is definatly not the reason. We got married at 21 and I don't think either of us were ready. She is a good mom. I just don't have an attraction to her, I hate to say it but I don't like to be around her alot, I am happy when she has somthing to do that doesn't involve me and I like when I have to work weekends. It is bad to say but I feel happier when I am not around her.
There have been alot of other things like the fact that she does not like my family and we rarely ever get to see them even at holidays even though they live in the same town. But I don't want to give reasons I am just asking for advice. If I do want to leave or I decide that What is the best way to go about doing that?
May I ask if there was something that happened in particular, for you not to have the same feelings anymore? Have you BOTH tried everything possible to fix what might be wrong? I assume that you still really do care for her because you've said that you don't want her to be hurt, as well as your daughter of course.
Could it be that since you've had your little girl, that she seems more like a mom than a wife?
If you have tried everything, and it just isn't working, I don't think you should stay in the relationship if you're not happy. Your daughter will pick up on that. If she grows up seeing that her parents are not happy together, ...she might think that's how Mom's and Dad's are suppose to act.
I think it's better to be from a so-called "broken home", than to live in one where there is no love and affection between you and your wife. It's sad for your little girl, but she would probably rather see you happy apart, than miserable together!!
I think YOU need to sit down and reevaluate your life in general. What caused you to not like her anymore? Maybe some professional help is called for to help you understand why you fell in love in the first place.
I would like to ammend my post to say one I have had counseling on my own and I did not seem to find any good answers to why I fell in love with her or why I fell out of love. I do care about her and don't wish her harm and I don't see her as just a mother but I am also not physically or emotionally attached to her. We are not intimate and that has been an issue which we tried to work on but it is definatly not the reason. We got married at 21 and I don't think either of us were ready. She is a good mom. I just don't have an attraction to her, I hate to say it but I don't like to be around her alot, I am happy when she has somthing to do that doesn't involve me and I like when I have to work weekends. It is bad to say but I feel happier when I am not around her.
There have been alot of other things like the fact that she does not like my family and we rarely ever get to see them even at holidays even though they live in the same town. But I don't want to give reasons I am just asking for advice. If I do want to leave or I decide that What is the best way to go about doing that?
This is a tough one. In the end, someone is going to be hurt. It is a terrible feeling to be with someone and not to be "with" that person, if you know what I mean. This is only my opinion - I would suggest a separation. Give yourself some distance from the everyday stress of being with your partner. It will give you a chance to think.
PLEASE_ Talk to a professional before making that decision.
Can you sit down and make a list of ALL the reasons why you wanted to marry her in the first place? What attracted you to her? I don't mean just the Sex part, I mean EVERYTHING. Then look you can look at what is not working now and focus on those areas. Rember, the only person hurt in a divorce is the children.
Not only make a list of all the reasons you wanted to marry her and her good qualities but also maybe do a list of things you feel are wrong with the relationship and what you would do to go about them different. For example, it bothers you that she does not want to go to your families. So you restructure things where you and your daughter go and visit.
I think it could really hurt your daughter and confuse her and make her grow up a very different person if you break your family up. Think of ways to restructure -maybe even ways to fall back in love with her.
First let me say that I'm 100% for families staying together. I would do everything necessary to try and work things out with your wife, and like it was said above, try and go back and remember the things that first made you fall in love with her.
If after you have done all the work, and exhausted all other options, and you still don't feel like you can make it a loving marriage, then the best thing for all of you, is for you to split up so you can all be happy and healthy apart. Three lives are in the mix. I'm sure your wife wouldn't want to spend years of her life knowing that you don't love her, and vice versa. Your daughter will end up living in an unhappy and unhealthy environment.
As long as you remain a constant, in your daughters life, and she sees that although Mom and Dad respect each other and get along well, she should be fine if it's handled carefully. It's never easy, but like I said before...I think your daughter deserves two happy parents, and not parents that stayed together unhappily, just for her sake.
First let me say that I'm 100% for families staying together. I would do everything necessary to try and work things out with your wife, and like it was said above, try and go back and remember the things that first made you fall in love with her.
If after you have done all the work, and exhausted all other options, and you still don't feel like you can make it a loving marriage, then the best thing for all of you, is for you to split up so you can all be happy and healthy apart. Three lives are in the mix. I'm sure your wife wouldn't want to spend years of her life knowing that you don't love her, and vice versa. Your daughter will end up living in an unhappy and unhealthy environment.
As long as you remain a constant, in your daughters life, and she sees that although Mom and Dad respect each other and get along well, she should be fine if it's handled carefully. It's never easy, but like I said before...I think your daughter deserves two happy parents, and not parents that stayed together unhappily, just for her sake.
Got to agree - it is not good for a child to live with one (or two) unhappy parents who are staying together for the sake of the child.
Sometimes it doesn't work - you outgrow each other, who knows - but no one should live unhappy. I think you only live once - - and it isn't necessary or healthy to be unhappy.
I'm gonna be a meanie and give you my point of view.You two brought this child into this world and it is your responsibility to suck it up and go to family counseling together or alone and get over the fact that she doesn't like your family and they dont like her and she is angry with them and you are angry with her and she is angry with you cause you don't stick up for her, sex isn't great or rare, the dishes are dirty, the grass isn't mowed, the car needs washed, she has a unibrow, you have nose hairs....get my point.
I see my husbands family sometimes and he never sees my family or rarely, but we have 3 children together and decided to work things out. We have had huge issues with each other and I have had huge issues with his family. But for the sake of our children we worked and worked on ourselves and our marriage. While we don't have the perfect marriage, but we have a pretty good one with plenty of love, honesty, understanding and are faithful to each other.
No one that we knew including both of our families or friends believed that we would ever work things out.
There were months that we were not attracted to each other maybe even years. Sometimes it would be him turned off or sometimes it would be me. We have been together for 20 + years and to be honest both of us at one point or the other stayed only because of the children. We don't have perfect kids but they are well rounded, honest hard working, rarely in trouble, participating members of society, individuals that have a strong, happy, hopeful outlook on life.
Having been raised in a broken home, I felt it was of the upmost importance to see that it did not happen to my children.
I'm sure that not everyone will agree with my point of view, but I feel like the universe, God, karma or whatever brought you two together for a reason and its up to you two to figure it out. The exception being, if your life is in jeopardy. Good Luck and I hope you find peace and happiness.
- and it isn't necessary or healthy to be unhappy.
Linear Mode
