I have been married for 7 years. I don't want to be in the marriage anymore. I don't love him and am not in love with him anymore, since about 2 years ago. We have a 3 year old. I am a child of divorce and I made a promise to myself that I would try my best not to have my daughter grow up in a broken home. The major strife that started my indifference is that he smokes and I despise smoking. He had promised to quit when he asked me to marry and did for awhile and then went right back. Its now 7 years later. I am 38, he is 48. I am his second marriage. If I had the money I would leave him. When he's not home I dance around the house and feel so free. I wish he wouldn't touch me and I hate him bringing his cigarette trail of smoke into the house and the bed. I once had an asthma-like attack that woke me out of my sleep when he came back in from smoking at 2am. (I don't have asthma)



He is also depressed and angry about things in his past, he lashes out at people including my mom for justifiable reason. I think he is jealous that I have a caring family and he came from a very dysfunctional home where the siblings and parents don't get along. He gets upset if I side with my mom, but thats because he has no idea how irate he can get. And since I don't want to be with him anyway, I would choose my family over him any day. I think, as a man, he thinks that since I finally give in sexually in the middle of the night I must still love him. My daughter is now having breathing problems and has been put on a breathing machine to be used 3x a day. He gets defensive when the doctor talks to him. My dilemna is, whether I should stay in this loveless marriage in order to have at least one more child. I don't have much time to meet someone else, fall in love, marry. My clock is ticking. For now, I am thinking about sticking it out in order to have one more child before I hit 40 and then leave him. I have asked him to leave, he won't. I have told him that I don't want to be with him and he gets hurt and doesn't want to talk about it. Since he won't leave, I know I ultimately will have to.

I would really like it if my daughter could have a full rather than half-sibling. But am thinking that we should split now while she is young because she doesn't really understand at 3yrs. So, should I stay to have another child or take the chance that I will meet someone new in time to have another baby?

Jake2008

The marriage is over by the sound of things.

Yet, you want to have one more child before you're 40, and then leave him, so your children aren't half-siblings? I realize that is one option you are mulling about, but why would you use him to have another baby, knowing that he will not only be on the hook to support another child, but he is, I'm assuming, unaware of this plan?

Just my opinion, but I think that is very unfair to him.

I would end the marriage, and take my chances on falling in love again with a more compatable mate. If children are in the picture with someone new, so be it.

XM8

Yea Jake's right.. by the looks of it your marriage sounds like it's finished.

I'm not sure why you want another child, but you have made it sound a bit crude. You must realise that your husband is not some soda can dispenser that is just waiting to give you sperm for a new child, so you can just pack up and leave afterwards.

Besides, if your husband was so bad, how come you have time to wait for another child to be born? Won't that take another year atleast?

Regarding your daughter, is she on the breathing machine because of your husband's smoking? I grew up with my dad smoking and I've never had any problems. Of course I must add that my dad never smoked like a chimney, which might not be the case with your husband.

In the end, it's your decision. If you feel that you have no love for him anymore, then leave because staying will only cause more problems in the future. However you must remember that you don't want your daughter to grow up in a broken home, so you're risking it either way.


-Xm8

cdaes

But he refuses to leave and says he won't "let me leave". Not in a violent way but he wants to work it out. I told him that if we have another child and things don't get better I'm walking. He doesn't seem to care because it buys him more time to try to fix the marriage. Why is it so wrong that I want another child? If I were 28, I would leave. Period. But I'm not, I'm already in the age range for increased pregnancy risks. I have 4 brothers and sisters and don't want my daughter to grow up alone. It is possible that I won't meet anyone any time soon and as the years go on, my chances of conceiving decrease. Also, not that it is so relevant but, since you mentioned him "being on the hook", I make more money than him to the point where he probably won't have to support either child.

Fr_Chuck

Fix things ? sounds like you are not trying, and sorry, smoking, is that all the issue is about ?

But have you both been to couseling, that is where both of you need to be.

Emland

I have to say that I think it is an incredibly selfish thing to bring a child into the world knowing you are planning on leaving the father. Children deserve a stable home with two loving parents. If you can't provide that then it isn't the time for children.

XM8

Yea I mean come on.. you can't just have another baby and walk out on your husband.

You're forgetting that you already have one child to take care of, now you want another one so you can raise two children in a "home" without a father figure?

Moreover, smoking does not count as a reason for a divorce or seperation.

You keep on insisting that you are "growing too old to find someone else" - is that all you really care about?

If you're so intent on finding someone - how about working things out with your husband for a start. He has told you that he would like to, it is obvious that if he is willing, then you can work your problems out. That should be your priority before thinking about leaving.


-Xm8

P.S.

My questions were written in a bold way, just to be simple. Please don't take offence or anything.

Jake2008

Well, it is a bit clearer though.

It is good to know that he wants to keep the marriage together.

Is it possible that he may be thinking that if you have another child, that you will stay?

I would not judge you as being 'wrong' for wanting another child. Absolutely not, please don't take my opinion that way.

What I think is that you may be wanting another child, for all the wrong reasons. Those being, you want your children to have the same father, you are worried you won't find someone else to have a child with (and fall in love) before you are 40. And the biggest one in my opinion, is that regardless of what your husband thinks to be true, if you get pregnant again by him, you really intend to leave regardless, and he is unaware of this fact.

If you thought there was a reasonable chance at working through the problems in your marriage, and making it work, and you're confident that it will, THEN have a baby.

But, if all hope is gone, and there is no way that it is going to work, my opinion is that it would not be wise to have another baby with your husband under these circumstances.

cozyk

This is the message you are giving your new baby.

Listen honey, I didn't love your father. I just used him because I was selfish and I wanted another baby. I did not care that I brought you into a broken home, that I waited till I was 35 to even have my first child so I had to rush and get you in under the wire with whoever was available to me at the time. or that I would have a baby with this man only to take it away from him. Oh yeah, you come into this world with a job to do. You are to satisfy my desire to have another child. You better measure up, because it is all about me!

Tel me what is not crude or selfish about that.

Altenweg

Bringing a child into this nightmare is the most selfish act I can think of.

Children need and deserve to have two stable loving parents, not a mom that only thinks of herself and a sperm donor that tried to make it work but couldn't.

Either fish or cut bait, you can't have your cake and eat it too. It's not all about you, think of the man you married and your daughter and the potential child you want to bring into this world to satisfy your needs.

Mothers are selfless, not selfish.