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My father committed suicide the day after my 5th birthday. He was in jail for robbing banks and he hanged himself. My mother never remarried.
My sister gassed herself in her car when I was 21, on the day after her 25th birthday. She was 3 1/2 years older than me.
My brother was shot dead in a hijacking in December last year.
There is only my mother and me left, but I was married in February this year. We're expecting a baby boy.
Ever since my brother died, I have really lost the will to live. It's real deep down. I'm very affectionate towards my wife and we regularly go to therapy together to strengthen our relationship.
I'm a certified genius and a member of mensa. I have a great job and I'm healthy. Everything is actually fine, but I wish that it had been me that died on one of those days.
I grew up so ashamed of not being able to say "my dad is a ..." or "I had a great fishing trip with him", then a lot of my 20s just never getting over my sister's death. My brother meant the world to me and I was trying so hard to help him be successful. I bought him the car that he was shot in, only a month before the incident. I hadn't seen him in 2 years and was going to see him the weekend after.
I don't really expect an answer, I just wanted to get some of the feelings inside me out in words. I'm just going to keeping plodding on. I'm sure it's all going to be fine tomorrow.
You know what i really think you should turn the negative into a positive, you now have a job to your wife and your unborn child soon to change your world in the most amazing way that i can say, you have to make that baby's life perfect in everyway and give him all you didnt get its time to turn everything around and look forward you have had a hell of a ride but now its your time.
The day your son is born your heart will melt and everything in the world as you see it now will change keep strong your gonna make a great daddy.
I know you were not really asking a question or looking for advice but if I may…
I do sympathise because my dad committed suicide when I was 19.
It was tough for some time but I decided to work on my own recovery, and simply refused to go down that road.
I got married, I loved my guy - he helped me a lot with my recovery - but it wasn’t until my first child was born and was in my arms that I really knew love. My life didn’t change over night but I felt like I had awoken from a deep sleep and a seed had been sown it just needed time to grow.
I brought up three children and have four grandchildren.
Even if you stick around and simply dedicate your life to your children and their children, giving them a better start and making things better for them, it makes it all worth while.
You have been through some traumatic stuff and I would like to suggest that you talk to a therapist who might be able to help you deal with the memories of all that has happened.
I know you don’t want your child to go through what you did because that’s what kept me going until I got strong enough to deal with all my feelings and emotions.
Recovery can be slow but if you are willing to put your body, mind and soul into it for the sake of your lovely wife and beautiful child, the future will begin to look much brighter.
Yes, suicide is an option--a very bad one. Having lived through your father's and your sister's suicide, you know first-hand how bad it is. It is a perfectly selfish act. It is terribly cruel to do that to those who care about you. Your life has been unfair, and you have some awful burdens to bear. Your grief over the loss of your brother is a huge one, and you need to pace yourself for a long process. Coming on top of the grief over your sister and father, I can see how it may often seem to be more than you can do to bear it. But for the sake of your wife, your child, your mother, and all others who care for you, you just have to do it. There is no way to make it easy, but it is possible by taking one day at a time, and as you say "keep plodding on". I truly feel for you, and wish you all possible comfort and strength to do what you must. Courage, friend.
Location: Lancaster, Pennsylvania (but grew up near Plymouth, Massachusetts)
Posts: 65
You said that you go with your wife for relationship counseling, but are you going to a therapist on your own for your suicidal thoughts? While the relationship therapist may be a good counselor, you need some one on one time with a counselor. Also make sure you keep the phone number of a crisis intervention center on you at all times (maybe in your wallet). Have you ever gone to a psycologist to see if you have a disorder that can be helped with meds. It is somewhat common for a person with an "imbalance in their mind" to be extremely intelligent. Don't just leave things how they are. Go for help now while you have the strength to do it. You may not have that strength if you wait for a particularly low time.
well, thanks for all the answers to my post. I am greatful for your thoughts on this.
I can appreciate that when my son is born, it will make all the difference. I also know that my mother must be feeling just as shattered, if not more so and if anything had to happen to me, it would certainly push her over the edge.
Thank you bluerose for sharing about your dad. I also refuse to go down that road. To be more specific, it's not killing myself that I would like, I would just like to stop living. It's as ridiculous as trying to kill oneself by holding ones own breath. I also struggle a lot with thoughts about heaven & hell. Most of my immediate family believed in other religions than christianity. Will suicide condemn them to hell or purgatory for ever? What about my brother that died before making a strong decision about God.. Well as far as I know.
I know that hopelessness is like a rot. It won't strike quickly, but one day, everything about me will be affected. That's what I feel in any case. My brother was the one person that went through a lot of the sh!+ that I did when growing up and I'm still dealing with some of it. I wanted the best for him and he wanted to live. He wasn't suicidal.
As ordinary guy says.. I'll just keep plodding on. I feel like the greatest tornado has torn through my life and that I have lost everything, but if I just plant a daisy here and there, and fix up one thing here and there, it will make a difference. If I keep going to church and continue to love my wife and family, although I don't know where my heart is and it feels like it's been ripped out, I can't help but be positively affected.
krittengirl, I am fortunate to have a really great therapist. She is very equipped to council me in my extraordinary situation. I'm strongly considering making additional sessions to discuss my heartache. I know that she will help me to equip myself with positive steps to cope and make the most of this difficult time.
again, thank you all for your comments. The caring helps and means a lot to me personally.
My hat is off and my head is bowed in respect to you, my friend. You are bearing multiple burdens that would utterly break most people, and you are doing it with a grace and wisdom that eludes many whose burdens are far lighter.
You are right, hopelessness is a rot, but rot has its place, and you have lots of waste material that needs breaking down into useful fertile soil. It is not glamorous work, and very few understand its importance, or its rewards, but they are real and rich, even when unrecognized.
The finest fruit of this soil is wisdom, rooted in humility and compassion. What you are doing is meaningful, valuable work. The herculean effort involved is not wasted. You are making something good out of something bad. I'd even go so far as to say that this is God's work on earth. Take heart.
My hat is off and my head is bowed in respect to you, my friend. You are bearing multiple burdens that would utterly break most people, and you are doing it with a grace and wisdom that eludes many whose burdens are far lighter.
You are right, hopelessness is a rot, but rot has its place, and you have lots of waste material that needs breaking down into useful fertile soil. It is not glamorous work, and very few understand its importance, or its rewards, but they are real and rich, even when unrecognized.
The finest fruit of this soil is wisdom, rooted in humility and compassion. What you are doing is meaningful, valuable work. The herculean effort involved is not wasted. You are making something good out of something bad. I'd even go so far as to say that this is God's work on earth. Take heart.
Joshua-I have to tell you, I am surprised at your take on everything...and I promise you that although the birth of your child will not give you answers, it will give you hope and strength that you never knew you had. There isn't any advice to give, and obviously nothing that you don't already know. I'm glad that you're in therapy, and your wife sounds like a wonderful support partner. I'm sorry for your pain and loss, it seems unfathomable to me, but although this may not mean anything at the moment, know that God will see you through. Never give up! All that is left for me to say is good luck, God bless you and your family, and know that there are people saying little prayers for you...even if you don't know them!
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