My father committed suicide the day after my 5th birthday. He was in jail for robbing banks and he hanged himself. My mother never remarried.

My sister gassed herself in her car when I was 21, on the day after her 25th birthday. She was 3 1/2 years older than me.

My brother was shot dead in a hijacking in December last year.

There is only my mother and me left, but I was married in February this year. We're expecting a baby boy.

Ever since my brother died, I have really lost the will to live. It's real deep down. I'm very affectionate towards my wife and we regularly go to therapy together to strengthen our relationship.

I'm a certified genius and a member of mensa. I have a great job and I'm healthy. Everything is actually fine, but I wish that it had been me that died on one of those days.

I grew up so ashamed of not being able to say "my dad is a ..." or "I had a great fishing trip with him", then a lot of my 20s just never getting over my sister's death. My brother meant the world to me and I was trying so hard to help him be successful. I bought him the car that he was shot in, only a month before the incident. I hadn't seen him in 2 years and was going to see him the weekend after.

I don't really expect an answer, I just wanted to get some of the feelings inside me out in words. I'm just going to keeping plodding on. I'm sure it's all going to be fine tomorrow.

rondom1

you say the fact that you never had a father figure growing up upset you and yet you have an unborn child and you want to kill your self? give yourself a little slap in the face for me and realise you have a wife and soon a child you should be the happiest man in the world and not dispite what has happened in the past, because of it. Because you have gone through all this and still ended up with a wonderful family.


my 2 pennies

gaia213

I see.....That is a pain your father died at the age of 5


Hmm this is quite known and to it i too for my age verified a genius.But i am twelve years old i could jump two classes i jumped one due to my mothers will she didn't want it to be too much of a change as she too knew what ive been going through(i too only have my mother)


After my dad died soon everything went in turmoil i myself almost got killed and i do regret sometimes that i didn't die i lost my family we moved from country to country i've lost my friends my place i lived my country i am lucky enough that i know 6 languages



And i see what you mean i still envy you that you have someone you love you see i have lost my mother not in a fysical but physical way she is not the person i knew anymore she gets drunk often and many things i do not wish to say


You might feel hopeless and sad in life i myself do not know what keeps me in life i have a whirl of feelings and i understand every part of your pain and do not suicide you have a mother and you have a wife that means that not all is yet lost do not get caught in loneliness it is a pain i am suffering which you do not want to suffer


If you need to talk about it i can talk about it since i see your feelings are strong and you need to express them belive me it will help you


Live on and be happy keep a good rate in life things will happen live life to its fullest while you still can remember your wife and mother will not die so soon and you can die before them this might sound strange and i have no wishes for anyone to die here


But you still have much left of life that is what you have left remember your mother too is in pain be good to her let her know you are not passing away that will help her


I do feel for you and understand your pain as your situation is almost exactly like mine just some age numbers diffrent and you aren't 100 percent lonely but else it is exact the same and believe me i want to help you if you have feelings to express do it now before its too late but remember you can always start again

gaia213

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Handyman2007

Suicide is NEVER an option. I noticed you mention that you are a member of Mensa. That tells me a lot about you.
You are expecting a child.....look at it this way......do you really want to bring a child into this world without one parent? Your life will change so drastically that you will never look at it in the same way again. Open your heart ....open your mind......I know many people who have lost their entire family to very unfortunate circumstances and have never considered taking their own lives. SEE A THERAPIST. PLEASE and SOON

N0help4u

I can understand your feelings but like rondom said you don't want to repeat history and leave your son fatherless to feel the same as you did. Cherish what you do have and make it work. The simple things in life are what gives it meaning ---take your son on that fishing trip you always dreamed of, kiss your wife every night and let her know she is your world and keep close to your mom.
I often feel like what is the use of going on but for my kids and my soon to be grandson I do have something to look forward to besides my hopeless feelings.
Be strong for them even when you can't be strong for you.

insomniac 666

hey i hope u are still here read this the thing is you are very strong to carry on through this but what worries me is you said everything will be fine 2morrow i sed that once before i tryed 2 hang my self turns out the light wdnt hold my wieght and i just woke up in alot of pain


i think its good you want to share your feelings it sometimes helps and you probably ust want to feel releif from your pain but suicide wont give you that it will give you an end to everything and so you uldnt beable to feel the relif you want hope this helps im just tryin to do my bit 4 ppl who want help

maiwest

I can't imagine the horrors of your past but just continue to pray for strength. I'll pray for you as well. In reality, we never let go of a death in the family, we just move on.

blackblue

Suicide is torment.

The ones left behind suffer greatly."If only I saw this coming" If only I made him happy" "If only I searched for her diary".

They are left with unanswered questions and and aching hearts.

And the sufferers, well, nothing is like the feeling of hopelessness.

Their suicides were not your choice and their endings shouldn't be yours either.It's perfectly natural to feel the way you do.You are a very strong person and I applaud that! but you must realize that even though the fact that they are gone will forever be sketched into your heart, you need to stay strong.Give yourself the chance.

The sadness will never leave but eventually it will be easier to deal with.Do it for your wife and your son.Find joy in simple things.(Try some St. Johns Wart! that might help a little.)

Just know that when it is your time to go, you will go.Don't force it because you will never learn what you came down here to learn if you leave before your time is up.And realize that you will eventually see them again someday.

They are probably enjoying themselves and want you to enjoy yourself too.

Good luck