background:
**She's been gone since christmas...& i never really liked her cause she shoved religion in my face and i'm atheist. My sister lived at her house for a while and said every night she would pray for me with her rosary. Anyway she was in the hospital for a while but i never visited her (because i hate hospitals), i only visited her when she got out and even though she was out i knew she was going to die when everyone else was positive and said she's recovering, she ended up back in the hospital. I was out all the time and with my ex boyfriend & my parents couldn't get a hold of me or know where i was. Eventually i called home and my mom told me my grandma had just died and the part that really got me was...My mother said my grandma couldnt speak and they gave her something to write with and the only thing she wrote before she died was ask where I was.... she didnt ask about anyone else but me =[
& i felt horrible that i was out fooling around with someone who doesnt give a crap about me when someone who actually loved me for me's last dieing wish was to see her grand daughter. **

Recently i had this horrible nightmare about being at her funeral and her being alive. Like her hand flopped up and it scared me half to death. I woke up and all i could think about was looking at her dead body...i remember the strange smell coming from the coffin..it wasnt like how she used to smell with her perfume. I remember the caked on make-up that made her look like she was clay..and that mole on her face that you could hardly notice anymore. Her hands covered in flowers cause the body was too bloated. and i remember thinking what was that?
almost being mad that people want to see someone that no longer exists. shouldnt we remember how they looked alive? Not the last thing to be them dead?

I feel really morbid now, In my house on the mantle piece there's the painting/photo of her from the funeral. IT'S TERRIFYING ME! idk why, I don't believe in ghosts but i'm acting like it! i pass by the picture and actually put my head down cause it scares me too much to look at it..staring back at me.

After the nightmare i even started googling things about dead people...like googling insidents of people coming to life at their wakes (which has happend)to even looking at photos of the deceased. & reading about how we die. Why am i doing this crazy stuff? I'm freaking myself out for no reason
I usually love the dark now i feel scared..and i'm hearing things.

TheCompromiser

First off, there was no way you could have known that your grandmother was going to pass right then. It might sound crazy, but look at that picture, when nobodys around, and say you are very sorry. I would say pray, but you're not religous, and I do believe that nobody has a right to tell you that you should be. But you have to apologize and move on.

Love yourself! This is an important part in this. As long as you are the person you truly want to be, then you can tell yourself, that you had no bad intentions! You cannot take back the past, but you can use this to continue a much better life. Help others and make a difference in others lives, and you'll stop living with regret.

mumtosix

You are naturally feeling guilt as you were not there and the fact that she asked where you were should be of a pleasure to you as she was thinking of you.
It is not your fault , we all have ways of dealing with death and yours was to stay away and keep busy. There is no wrong or right here and you need to forgive yourself.
The dream is a natual part to the grieving and healing process.

N0help4u

I agree you are feeling guilty but maybe you should take your grandmothers words to heart and open up to maybe there is an afterlife. Maybe something in your spirit is crying out that your grandma is right. I am not into religion because much of it is man made up traditions. The Bible even warns against it but I do believe in looking deep within your spirit and being open to the (to me FACT) that there IS more to life than what we know with our senses.