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I dont know what to do. I need help.
One night i was staring off into space and all of a sudden death came across me and i started thinking what it was going to be like to die.
The first thing on my mind was... 'you'll be put in a hole to rot; your have a rock over your grave with your name on it and be forgotten in 20-30 years after my grand children are born.
Im only 17 at the moment i know i have a lot of life left. But everyday and hour i cant stop thinking about it. Its affecting my work.schooling.and relationship. I dont live with my parents. i live with you boyfriend. i went to him with this problem and all he said was that i need to get over it because we all die and theirs nothing you can do about it. I went to one of my friends at work and talked to her about it. She brought me to church thinking that i would feel better about myself. I still think about it.
Sometimes i think about it to the point where my body starts to shake and i feel like im falling threw the ground. and everything goes black around me. I start to cry but then i think whats the point. NO im not thinking of killing myself or anything. Im just so scared. I really don't want to die. and i no its going to happen. But i just cant accept it. I work monday to friday 9-5 every morning and every night when i go to and from work my bus pass's two cemetery's and try to look at a new grave every time i go by them. Then i look at the people on the bus and start to freak out. I get heavy breathing and my hands and moth start tingling.
Im sooo scared , I think im scareing myself to death...
please. what do i do?
Hey! I know the way you feel! For the longest time I was absolutely terriefied of dying. And not only dying itself but getting old and knowing that I will be dying soon. By the way I am only 21 so I should have a long life still too. I'm not really sure what advice I can give you except to talk to trusted adults. Preferably someone like a youth pastor or pastor at a church if you are religious. I am a Christian and know that I am going to go to Heaven and all that but even knowing that I was terrified. Maybe you should talk to a counselor at school or even someone outside of school. They may suggest some meds to help with the anxiety you are experiencing during this time of transition as I am sure you are about to finish high school and go on to college. A lot of people your age (and even my age as I am not that much older then you) go through these types of emotions. It is scary to "grow up" and be "responsible" and it can feel like life is passing you by too quickly. I think it is part of growing up. I think that you are just at a crossroads and realizing you are about to become an "adult" and are probably scared of the responsibility. Even if it is just sub conscious. I took that fear and transformed it into a desire to live everyday like it was my last day. That way when I do get to the point of dying in life I can look back and have happy memories instead of regrets. I think that was a big part of it for me....I think I felt like my life wouldn't be complete or I would have lots of regrets. Just try to live your life instead of worrying about death. come up with a list of exciting things you either like doing or want to do and then when you catch yourself starting to freak out go to that list and do something off of it to change your mindset from worrying about death to living and enjoying being young and alive.
I haven't had an INTENSE fear of death, but it has crossed my mind and scared me. I know religion helps a lot of ppl, but it just doesn't do it for me. I'm still scared myself (kinda hoping to find something helpful on AskMe), but I have come up with some ideas. I mean, I notice that when I think about death, it automatically comes off as a negative thing. After thinking about it, I kinda see that there's more to it than just ceasing to exist. It sucks to know that it is inevitable, but now it feels necessary, like a natural thing. What scared me the most was thinking that ppl I care about could go six feet under in the blink of an eye, which made me somewhat paranoid. If it's gonna come no matter what, the only way for me to get over it is to accept it.
Sorry I keep rambling, lol. I wish I had more to tell you, but like I said, I'm kinda in the same boat as you ^ ^'
kraussnumber2 brought up a good point -- I was afraid of getting older (I'm 21 btw) but I'm sorta getting the hang of it. I plan on becoming a teacher, cuz I'm good with kids (and ppl say I still am a kid), and it made a little nervous to become just like the teachers I've had, where they look so bored and butt-ugly. But then I thought of how I don't necessarily HAVE to be like them, and that I could still have fun and be myself regardless. Plus, I think it'd be fun to be in charge, to call the shots and stuff like that...maybe be a principal or something like that, I dunno. But the point is, I was able to find the good in growing old. Think about it...when I get old, I may be pruny, but I can say just about anything cuz no one cares to scold the old (lol) I'm so off-topic right now, it's not even funny. Well, I hope I helped in some way.
I am a RN on a medical/ cancer floor in a hospital---there are many patients who have gotten the worst news of "no more" can be done. There are books out about ADC"S--afterdeath experiences and NDC's--near death experiences. They have helped me --help those patients who are very afraid--read some --it will change you outlook on death!
I know what you are going though. I had fear of dying so
bad I began to fear every thing. I became a prisoner in my home and could
not go or do anything outside my house. Fear is in our mind and the more we
think about it, the more it grow. We all need to get our thought patterns working
for us and not against us. We all have choices to make and what we choose to
think on can make a big difference in our well being. I do not know if you believe
in God or the bible but I do and that is where I get confort, peace and joy. I
was given this bible passage in Phiippians 4: 4-8 "Always be full of joy in the Lord. I say it again -rejoice! Let everone see that you are considerate in all you do. Remember;
the Lord is coming soon. Don't worry about anything instead, pray about
everthing. Tell God what you need, and thank Him for all He has done. If you do this,
you will experence God's peace, which is far more wonderful than the human mind can
understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus."
"And now, dear brother and sisters, let me say one more thing as I close this letter,
Fix your thoughts on what is true and honorable and right. Think about things that
are pure and lovely and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy
of praise. "Keep putting into practice all you learned from me and saw me doing,
and the God of peace will be with you."
From reading that I begain changing my thinking, I new I had to think and believe
on good godly things. When bad thoughts come into my mind I change the thought
to what God has said to me. I am a believer in God and His word and I know
that is a choice we all have, and I have a better life without fears and knowing
that dying will be a good thing because I will be forever with Him and all is well.
Let me know what you think.
Try not to fear death, cuz its bound to happin, no matter what you do, just think about bettering your self before that day comes, try makin an influence on the world, do some good
[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1KD9L...e=channel_page
Being "put in a hole to rot" does sound unpleasant and scary. I don't know if this will help or not, but let me give you a radically different way to think about it: Your body is mostly made out of water. Each molecule of that water is made of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. Do you remember learning about the water cycle in biology class? The water that is on earth right now is the same water that condensed from water vapor four billion years ago and became the oceans. For the last four billion years, those molecules have been moving around, taking form after form. Right now, a molecule of water in one of your brain cells was once part of a powerful thunderstorm. A molecule in a capillary in your toe was once part of a glacier. A molecule in your liver was part of a tidal wave. And a molecule in the blood flowing down your right arm right now was a tiny dewdrop on a fern that was eaten by an apatosaurus, which ultimately died and (as you say) rotted, returning its body water back to the soil, to percolate through and come out of a spring as a stream, flowing down to the river and then back to Abuela Mar, the grandmother ocean. When you walk by the ocean, you are walking beside that great reservoir of Being, physical being regardless of your spiritual beliefs. If you can't go down to the ocean, just sit beside a stream for a while.
I hope I'm not freaking you out more by telling you this stuff. I find it comforting to know that for all the various parts of my body, death is nothing scary. It's routine! The molecules of my body have been oak trees and saber tooth tigers and mice and bacteria and even parts of other people in the past! They've taken form after form before, and they'll take form after form after those molecules leave my body. Most of them will even leave my body long before I die, as sweat or urine or tears or toenail clippings. Really, there is no point, on a molecular level, where I leave off and the rest of the Universe begins, and the Universe isn't going to die any time soon. To me it's comforting. But I realize I'm something of an odd duck, so I can only hope that this way of looking at it will be helpful to you too.
If we look beyond this little earth we live on, as Carl Sagan said, "We are all star stuff." Hydrogen is the basic building block of the universe, and we are made of that, but also carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, and other elements, and all those other elements only came into being by fusion reactions deep in the cores of stars much bigger and older than our sun. If those stars had not been willing to die in intense supernovae, throwing those atoms out into the universe to become other things, we wouldn't be here.
So that's a different way of looking at death from the point of view of the body. What about the spirit? What is the spirit? Most people when they talk about their souls are actually thinking about their minds, their thoughts, their sense of consciousness, their ego or sense of "me"-ness. But that isn't immortal. It changes, doesn't it? Five years ago, when you were twelve, the thoughts you had, the way you thought about yourself and who you are, was very different. When you are 22, it will be very different then. So what of that gets to live forever and go to heaven? Well, that's the puzzler. But as you start to reach for that most basic part of yourself that is always you no matter what, that doesn't stop being you just because you take a drink and take on some new water molecules, that doesn't stop being you just because you pee and offload some old water molecules that used to be part of your bloodstream, that doesn't stop being you because your thoughts and ideas and feelings and relationships change, and you grow, and look at yourself in new ways; as you try to find that part of yourself that never dies, if you look long and hard enough, and are willing to love and accept yourself in all your limited humanness and fallibility and mortality, you will find the following to be true about that core of your being that lasts forever:
1. It does exist!!!!!!
2. It is very small, too small for you to be able to tell what shape it is, or say it is this or that or fast or slow or green or purple.
3. It is very big, and everything else about you, body and mind and everything, fits into it.
4. You can't find the border of it. There is no clear place where it leaves off and the rest of the Universe begins.
5. That's why it lasts forever, because it is part of what I like to call Oneness, or the Universe, or the Goddess.
This fear you have is actually a gift. It is a call to adventure (and I use that expression in the sense Joseph Campbell used it in The Hero with a Thousand Faces), it is like Gandalf knocking on the door of your little hobbit hole, inviting you to go off on some crazy journey through the world, discovering what the meaning of this strange mortal life we humans have on this planet really is. So blessings on your adventure! I'll leave you with the thought that it isn't about learning not to be afraid of death, it's about learning how to live a passionate, wonderful life even with your fear--that's true bravery. And I'll leave you with these two quotes from the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu:
Heaven and earth last forever.
Why do heaven and earth last forever?
They are unborn, so ever living.
and
The highest good is like water.
It gives life to ten thousand things and does not strive.
It flows in places men reject, and so is like the Tao.
Ok, that was a pretty far-out hippie answer, even by my standards. Sorry. I thought of something better to mention:
Have you read Harry Potter? They're just fantasy stories, of course, but one of the main themes of those books is how we face the fear of death. J. K. Rowling recognizes that it's normal for humans to realize they are going to die and fear it. Harry, Ron, and Hermione aren't stupid. They know that someday they will die, and know that by confronting a great evil, they are making it very likely they will die rather soon. They don't do what they do because they have no fear, but because they choose to make their own decisions even though they fear.
The character in those books who lets his fear of death make all the decisions in his life is Voldemort.
And that part is true. Even in our real world, when a person lets fear of death tell him or her what to do, people get hurt. People ruled by fear might hurt themselves, like the person who wrote in and said for a long time she was afraid to leave the house. When someone with power--money power, government power, psychic power--lets themself be governed by fear, they hurt themselves, but often hurt a lot of other people too. All the tyrants, the Bin Ladens, Noriegas, Pinochets, are terrified of death and loss. That's why they are tyrants. Greed is just fear, a desperate attempt to gather more and more and more around oneself so one can create the illusion of safety.
It's not about whether or not we fear death, but whether we guide our lives or let the fear do it.
Being "put in a hole to rot" does sound unpleasant and scary. I don't know if this will help or not, but let me give you a radically different way to think about it: Your body is mostly made out of water. Each molecule of that water is made of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. Do you remember learning about the water cycle in biology class? The water that is on earth right now is the same water that condensed from water vapor four billion years ago and became the oceans. For the last four billion years, those molecules have been moving around, taking form after form. Right now, a molecule of water in one of your brain cells was once part of a powerful thunderstorm. A molecule in a capillary in your toe was once part of a glacier. A molecule in your liver was part of a tidal wave. And a molecule in the blood flowing down your right arm right now was a tiny dewdrop on a fern that was eaten by an apatosaurus, which ultimately died and (as you say) rotted, returning its body water back to the soil, to percolate through and come out of a spring as a stream, flowing down to the river and then back to Abuela Mar, the grandmother ocean. When you walk by the ocean, you are walking beside that great reservoir of Being, physical being regardless of your spiritual beliefs. If you can't go down to the ocean, just sit beside a stream for a while.
I hope I'm not freaking you out more by telling you this stuff. I find it comforting to know that for all the various parts of my body, death is nothing scary. It's routine! The molecules of my body have been oak trees and saber tooth tigers and mice and bacteria and even parts of other people in the past! They've taken form after form before, and they'll take form after form after those molecules leave my body. Most of them will even leave my body long before I die, as sweat or urine or tears or toenail clippings. Really, there is no point, on a molecular level, where I leave off and the rest of the Universe begins, and the Universe isn't going to die any time soon. To me it's comforting. But I realize I'm something of an odd duck, so I can only hope that this way of looking at it will be helpful to you too.
If we look beyond this little earth we live on, as Carl Sagan said, "We are all star stuff." Hydrogen is the basic building block of the universe, and we are made of that, but also carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, and other elements, and all those other elements only came into being by fusion reactions deep in the cores of stars much bigger and older than our sun. If those stars had not been willing to die in intense supernovae, throwing those atoms out into the universe to become other things, we wouldn't be here.
So that's a different way of looking at death from the point of view of the body. What about the spirit? What is the spirit? Most people when they talk about their souls are actually thinking about their minds, their thoughts, their sense of consciousness, their ego or sense of "me"-ness. But that isn't immortal. It changes, doesn't it? Five years ago, when you were twelve, the thoughts you had, the way you thought about yourself and who you are, was very different. When you are 22, it will be very different then. So what of that gets to live forever and go to heaven? Well, that's the puzzler. But as you start to reach for that most basic part of yourself that is always you no matter what, that doesn't stop being you just because you take a drink and take on some new water molecules, that doesn't stop being you just because you pee and offload some old water molecules that used to be part of your bloodstream, that doesn't stop being you because your thoughts and ideas and feelings and relationships change, and you grow, and look at yourself in new ways; as you try to find that part of yourself that never dies, if you look long and hard enough, and are willing to love and accept yourself in all your limited humanness and fallibility and mortality, you will find the following to be true about that core of your being that lasts forever:
1. It does exist!!!!!!
2. It is very small, too small for you to be able to tell what shape it is, or say it is this or that or fast or slow or green or purple.
3. It is very big, and everything else about you, body and mind and everything, fits into it.
4. You can't find the border of it. There is no clear place where it leaves off and the rest of the Universe begins.
5. That's why it lasts forever, because it is part of what I like to call Oneness, or the Universe, or the Goddess.
This fear you have is actually a gift. It is a call to adventure (and I use that expression in the sense Joseph Campbell used it in The Hero with a Thousand Faces), it is like Gandalf knocking on the door of your little hobbit hole, inviting you to go off on some crazy journey through the world, discovering what the meaning of this strange mortal life we humans have on this planet really is. So blessings on your adventure! I'll leave you with the thought that it isn't about learning not to be afraid of death, it's about learning how to live a passionate, wonderful life even with your fear--that's true bravery. And I'll leave you with these two quotes from the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu:
Heaven and earth last forever.
Why do heaven and earth last forever?
They are unborn, so ever living.
and
The highest good is like water.
It gives life to ten thousand things and does not strive.
It flows in places men reject, and so is like the Tao.
Well said! its nice to be surprised by somebody with similar views. it was especially good to hear your thoughts on universal oneness, it restores my faith that science and spirituality can work together, as i believe they are one and the same!
As for your situation Ashme, let me just say that at around the same age i experienced very similar fears, to the point where i would try praying, drinking, anything to make it go away! it sometimes got to the stage of being life altering. I truly feel for you.
Perhaps as we get to a stage in our lives (maybe around 17?) where we have to start taking more responsibility, we may feel more vulnerable as we start to independently discover our universe without out the guidance of parents/guardians?. I found it was just a matter of time, and as I learnt more i realized that the biggest hindrance when it comes to learning the truth about who you are(or about anything else) is fear.
Next time your on the bus and you're looking around at the other people, just relax your shoulders, and silently, and in your own way send love out to them. Most of them will feel it with out even knowing it came from another person, by doing this you create more love and positivity, and love my friend can destroy any fear or negativity, you'll feel it. just the same as if you are out with someone who is cold and rigid, there bad mood rubs off on you without them even speaking, it works both ways, but love will always conquer!
It sounds corny i know, and may seem far out if you haven't thought from this perspective before. The thing is, its real and it works, and once you've learnt to control it you will never be afraid again!
Well there's whats true for me, try it out and see how you feel.
Being "put in a hole to rot" does sound unpleasant and scary. I don't know if this will help or not, but let me give you a radically different way to think about it: Your body is mostly made out of water. Each molecule of that water is made of two hydrogen atoms and one oxygen atom. Do you remember learning about the water cycle in biology class? The water that is on earth right now is the same water that condensed from water vapor four billion years ago and became the oceans. For the last four billion years, those molecules have been moving around, taking form after form. Right now, a molecule of water in one of your brain cells was once part of a powerful thunderstorm. A molecule in a capillary in your toe was once part of a glacier. A molecule in your liver was part of a tidal wave. And a molecule in the blood flowing down your right arm right now was a tiny dewdrop on a fern that was eaten by an apatosaurus, which ultimately died and (as you say) rotted, returning its body water back to the soil, to percolate through and come out of a spring as a stream, flowing down to the river and then back to Abuela Mar, the grandmother ocean. When you walk by the ocean, you are walking beside that great reservoir of Being, physical being regardless of your spiritual beliefs. If you can't go down to the ocean, just sit beside a stream for a while.
I hope I'm not freaking you out more by telling you this stuff. I find it comforting to know that for all the various parts of my body, death is nothing scary. It's routine! The molecules of my body have been oak trees and saber tooth tigers and mice and bacteria and even parts of other people in the past! They've taken form after form before, and they'll take form after form after those molecules leave my body. Most of them will even leave my body long before I die, as sweat or urine or tears or toenail clippings. Really, there is no point, on a molecular level, where I leave off and the rest of the Universe begins, and the Universe isn't going to die any time soon. To me it's comforting. But I realize I'm something of an odd duck, so I can only hope that this way of looking at it will be helpful to you too.
If we look beyond this little earth we live on, as Carl Sagan said, "We are all star stuff." Hydrogen is the basic building block of the universe, and we are made of that, but also carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, and other elements, and all those other elements only came into being by fusion reactions deep in the cores of stars much bigger and older than our sun. If those stars had not been willing to die in intense supernovae, throwing those atoms out into the universe to become other things, we wouldn't be here.
So that's a different way of looking at death from the point of view of the body. What about the spirit? What is the spirit? Most people when they talk about their souls are actually thinking about their minds, their thoughts, their sense of consciousness, their ego or sense of "me"-ness. But that isn't immortal. It changes, doesn't it? Five years ago, when you were twelve, the thoughts you had, the way you thought about yourself and who you are, was very different. When you are 22, it will be very different then. So what of that gets to live forever and go to heaven? Well, that's the puzzler. But as you start to reach for that most basic part of yourself that is always you no matter what, that doesn't stop being you just because you take a drink and take on some new water molecules, that doesn't stop being you just because you pee and offload some old water molecules that used to be part of your bloodstream, that doesn't stop being you because your thoughts and ideas and feelings and relationships change, and you grow, and look at yourself in new ways; as you try to find that part of yourself that never dies, if you look long and hard enough, and are willing to love and accept yourself in all your limited humanness and fallibility and mortality, you will find the following to be true about that core of your being that lasts forever:
1. It does exist!!!!!!
2. It is very small, too small for you to be able to tell what shape it is, or say it is this or that or fast or slow or green or purple.
3. It is very big, and everything else about you, body and mind and everything, fits into it.
4. You can't find the border of it. There is no clear place where it leaves off and the rest of the Universe begins.
5. That's why it lasts forever, because it is part of what I like to call Oneness, or the Universe, or the Goddess.
This fear you have is actually a gift. It is a call to adventure (and I use that expression in the sense Joseph Campbell used it in The Hero with a Thousand Faces), it is like Gandalf knocking on the door of your little hobbit hole, inviting you to go off on some crazy journey through the world, discovering what the meaning of this strange mortal life we humans have on this planet really is. So blessings on your adventure! I'll leave you with the thought that it isn't about learning not to be afraid of death, it's about learning how to live a passionate, wonderful life even with your fear--that's true bravery. And I'll leave you with these two quotes from the Tao Te Ching of Lao Tzu:
Heaven and earth last forever.
Why do heaven and earth last forever?
They are unborn, so ever living.
and
The highest good is like water.
It gives life to ten thousand things and does not strive.
It flows in places men reject, and so is like the Tao.
I don't think you need apologize for what may seem a "Hippie" answer. In fact, your answer is perfect and I love that you quoted Carl Sagan and Joseph Cambell. They were great men. The fact that I am 81 years of age and have thoughts of death is not surprising. However, I must say in honesty that I am not your typical 81 year old. I am more like a 60 year old in appearance and a 40 year old in spirit. I am still very active from a lifetime career as a professional dancer. I'm only telling you this so you won't think I am a befuddled old man as most men my age unfortunately become. Having said that, I would like to tell about how I feel about death and the fear of it, though I believe I may have at least another 10 years and possibly more ahead. A friend of mine, also a former dancer, is 92 and still makes regular trips to Russia and has written a very successful book.
I will be cremated and I have choreographed my own memorial event. I say 'event' rather than 'service' as that sounds too religious. This event will be held not in a church but in the local Zoo, perhaps nearby the Giraffes. It will be after closing hours of course. If the zoo is not available, it will be held in the local Botanical Gardens. My Executor will see that all my wishes are followed exactly. In a special place I have left my Last Will and Testament together with full instructions of how this event is to happen. I have made CDs of the music to be played at beginning and end. I have recorded my voice giving a farewell to the attendees. A video will be shown of myself dancing from the past when I was a professional dancer. A display of pictures will be exhibited. What I'm saying is that it is all already planned out in detail. This may sound a bit egotistical but not meant to be so. My friends would all be intereted and the music I have carefully chosen, reflects the major part of my life and being.
Now, the point is that in doing this planning, I felt a certain release in a way. In fact, I could say it was, oddly enough, kind of FUN. I do not think of an afterlife because I became a non believer nearly 19 years ago. For those who believe in religion, I know it can be a great comfort for them, but I prefer to think very much as you have explained in your answer; from a scientific and natural point of view. This point of view can provide comfort in a way, when you don't, as I don't, believe in myths.
Where will my ashes be spread? I really don't care. Possibly with my dog, around where she is buried in my back garden. That would be nice.
Planning, or (choreographing) your own memorial can be, and has been for me, an occasion to rejoice.
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