It's all so unbelivable. I'm 35 years old and I have never in my life time known love, until I meet her. She ment so very much to me in so many diffrent ways. We were only together for about 8 months before she went but I knew the moment we meet that I wanted to spend all my life with her.

We meet and I was going threw a divorce. I quit my job and was denied unemployment Benifests so I had no income. Went threw a couple of other jobs and just reciently got one I think I will do well with. But I struggled hard about my finances. She never carred though. Which was so diffrent because she was only 24 and so beautiful. She had a son that was 3 and she was just so grown up. Never wanted to go out to the bar or any of that stuff. We would just hang out in eachothers company and talk, kiss and touch eachother. She was truly amazing. I could go on for days about all the good things but I won't right now.

In the days leading up to her death I felt like I was on cloud 9. Then some bad news came and everything started to change. I mean it was personal stuff. Nothing that had to do with my girlfriend but I think she blammed herself for it. The evening before she died I went to her and told her I didn't want to continue living the way I was and that I need to make some changes. I told her that I needed to get myself some help and that I was disgusted with the way my life was turning out. I was loosing everything. My house, land it felt like everything. I just needed to be alone for a while and try to figure things out. I knew I was gonna need some help because I had never been threw anything like this before. I touched her foot and kissed her toes then hugged her and finially said I have to go. By the time I had gotten home she had called me sever times. I called her back and could hear the sadness in her voice. I didn't have enough gas to make it back to her house and I was tired and it eas late. So I asked if she wnated to just stay on the phone together. I told her we could sleep together over the phone. The next morning her phone was dead and I don't pay much attention to it as we had been on it all night. After not being able to get a hold of her the whole day I called her mom the very next morning. She told me Ashlee was no longer with us. I lost it. And I think her parents blam me. I call them every day but they don't take my calls. I have only spoken to her mom twice and they were very brief conversations. During the funeral there was no mention of me and no pictures of us or me. He rmom only gave me a half hug and her dad turned his shoulder to me after shaking my hand. It's sad and it hurts as I want to be around them but what I truly want more than anything is to be able to talk to her again. I want to be with her. I have been considering taking my own life so she and I can be together again. But before that I was hopping to talk to her. But I have been unable to do so. Can anyone help me? Am I being stupid? Can she see and hear me? Why doesn't she come to me? How can I be with her, I mean really be with her? Please help please

thank you

dredrizzel

Thanks again for the responses you have sent. The last few days have been hard. In fact I don't think her death has gotten any easer for me at all. I want to go to her and be with her. I would give anything to rewind the time. I want so badly to be with her again that I have decided to take my life. There is nothing left for me her. Nothing has meaning or purpose. I was able to find a place where I can get potassium cyanide. I should be getting it in the next few days. It is supposed to be very affective and certain. I hope that it will be quick and pleasant. I was hoping I could get some advise on how to try finding her once on the other side.

Kia

Hi, dre drizzel? I truly hope you are still around. I am just writing you because I went through a very similar situation and I would just ask you to please hold on! I had a close friend, we were intimate and good friends,not committed, but I cared about him a great deal. He took his life in my old apartment and I didnt see it coming, and I was the last person to be with him before he died. We had an argument, I told him I was leaving for a while to cool off and I came back and found him. His family did not know me very well either, and though the family was nice; I was not the mother of his children; or the one everyone knew about as a girlfriend at the funeral.
Its been 2 years now and I have been where you are. I even had to stay in the same apartment where it happened for a short while a well before I moved! I went through the SAME feelings you did. I truly understand your hurt, and that it doesn't go away with time unless you deal with it.

Please talk to someone, grief counseling, regular counseling; thats the only way that you will start moving through your issues and feelings of loss and regret., and wanting to end your life and be with that person. I just started seeing someone about it about a month ago; and it has helped TREMENDOUSLY.There is something about sharing your feelings with a person who doesnt judge you, lets you share all your thoughts and feelings, and has grief techniques and ideas to get you through day to day life.

I suffered emotionally about that situation for almost 2 years before I went to counseling, and now my days are so much better than before.

Trust me; find a good couselor and they will help you deal with your pain. I will be praying for you. Don't give up!

SkyGem

Greetings again, dredizzel,

What I am hearing you say makes me indeed very sad. Mainly for you but also for that special lady you love. In your present state of sorrow, your normal defenses are down and that is when negative opportunistic spirits can take over, literally taking advantage of your weakness and they can instill thoughts in your mind such as what you are saying you want to do to yourself. Know that this is not the real you talking. God gave you your life so that it could be lived to its fullest potential. To end it at will is to rob God of that gift which He who Created you gave to you from His most caring and Loving Sacred Heart. You are stating all that is negative since you are in that mode of thinking and feel that it is easy to take that way out. Please know and understand that suicide is never the answer! It is just the beginning of a whole new set of problems for you in the Afterlife.

Let me explain. When you decide to terminate that precious gift that God gives to you, your life, you decide to turn your back on God. Your last sentence is asking for advise on how to try to find your loved one once you are on the other side. This will prove very difficult for you to say the least. Since you would have terminated your Earthly life, you have thus created a whole new set of circumstances for yourself along with new vibrations of a lower order that will actually prevent you from seeing the person you believe would be there to find. So, please abandon that thought now. Just because she is gone due to similar circumstances does not mean that it is also for you to follow suit, no matter how bad you now feel. It would not be a blissful state if you were to meet up with her. Your having taken your life will surely follow you into the Afterlife and will continue to a point that will not give you rest nor time to enjoy with her whom you love and want to be with. This is based on many studies on the Afterlife and people who attempted such things as you suggest you would do. Your lady would be very disappointed in you trying to emulate what she did, simply because she now realizes the terrible mistake she has committed but there is no way to rectify it such as by returning to physical life once again. A suicide begets the dark state of that person's thinking in the Afterlife therefore, you would not be able to be blessed with and enjoy the Light of God throughout your eternity there. It would not be like going there and expecting to see her again and everything would be beautiful and happy ever after. This, due to the fact that you would have played God with yourself by taking your own life. Yes, you have free will, however, you must be cognizant of the fact that there are dire consequences in using that free will for the wrong reason or purpose.

Another thing to consider is that it will not be "eons" of time before you would finally join her when God is truly ready for you to go. Know that in the Afterlife there is not the same time and space as we know it here. Therefore, even if it took you another fifty or so years until you make your own transition, to her on the other side, it would be just about as long as it would take to bat an eye. We make our own "hell" right here on Earth and many inevitably suffer from it thinking that is the way out. It isn't. You are Smarter than that. You are STRONGER than that. You have to LIVE for her right here on Earth as she would want for you to do. Don't you know that she is capable of seeing and hearing you speak about this? Do you want to know something else -- what you have written here about suicide is literally breaking her heart! Do you want to arrive there in a state of eternal confusion for the action you took, not being able to enjoy your time eternal with her? Or would you rather arrive in a peaceful state where she too has had time to reflect upon her misfortune in taking her life and be able to embrace her at your appointed time and know that life can now be peaceful because you had the COURAGE to wait until God called you home.

That is what is at stake here. This is what you must consider. Because life is precious in God's eyes, Spirit is speaking very loudly and passionately at this moment letting me know these things I am writing about and that you must take care of yourself and Be Aware of the consequences that can follow. As for your loved one, show her your Love by seeking other forms of help like professional help from those who can speak to you in your distraught state. You must promise me that you will not do anything hurtful to yourself. Make that call and then let us hear that even in your missing her, you have decided to LIVE for her rather than to foolishly "die" for her. For it is in LIVING that you can have Peace and Tranquility when the time comes for you also to exit this world. It is in knowing that when it is truly your time as God has ordained, she can come to meet you and there will be no fear of eternal darkness and pain inevitably to be suffered as a consequence of your Earthly actions, which would result in deep regret from a higher perspective of understanding. Give her at least that, if not for yourself, do it for HER. She would expect no less from you. If you truly love her as you say you do, do not contribute any more to her pain by making it any harder than it is. Show your Love, which she can feel, embrace and truly appreciate, by not hurting her and disappointing her by your proposed action. May God bless you and help you to understand these important words.

A Most Helpful Place: USA NATIONAL Suicide & Crisis Hotlines - When You Feel You Can't Go On... Call a Suicide Hotline. / SuicideHotlines.com - Direction for immediate crisis intervention for the gravely suicidal & treatment for major clinical suicidal depression.

SkyGem

Fr_Chuck

Yes, the pain is stll there, but there is always more to go for in life, an killing one self is not a way to be with anyone, The way is to live in respect of thier memory and to live you life in respect of that memory.

dredrizzel

I am still here for a few more days. You have given me a lot to think about. I just don't think God would keep her and I apart. This is all sooo much to handle. I just... well... I will say good bye so your not left wondering.

jrebel7

If not for your sake dred, for the sake of all those who know and love you, WAIT. I am asking you to do this for all the lives you have touched. You have to realize that most people who take their own lives, if they would have waited just three more minutes, things might change and they would not have done it. You don't say how she did it, whether by pills, etc., and I am not asking you to share this information. I just mention this so that you might realize that perhaps she didn't mean to complete the act. Perhaps it was a call for help and she thought someone would find her in time. To get to that point that fast, there had to be more going on in her life than your taking time away for a bit.

So much goes into a discussion like this. For me, I believe in Jesus Christ and have asked Him into my life. Even so, this did not keep me from feeling a pain so deep in my heart I thought I would die of a broken heart. Until my dad and nephew died two years ago, I would have said talking to someone who passed would not be something I would even attempt. My personal belief is that I don't believe we should "talk to the dead" in terms of the way we generally hear about it. I think perhaps you just need to find a quiet place and have something of hers to hold in your hands, a note, a card, a photograph and just cry out and scream it if you have to that you miss her. That you desire to be with her. The kind of cry you cry when you mourn for the loss of a loved one is deeper than any cry I have ever experienced. One has to go through it as one has to go through several stages while mourning. Talk, cry, scream until you just feel totally empty of words. Do it as often as you need to releasing the deep emotion you are experiencing.

Just WAIT...........Please realize you always have the option. But once you make the choice and go through with it, you no longer have that option. I know you feel broken, disjointed right now. That is not unusual. Not having been married to her or officially into the family by way of engagement or whatever, makes it difficult for her parents to include you. They are grieving deeply, they are dealing with other family members going through this pain also. They are not against you. They just don't know you well enough to allow you into that very private circle of mourning they are experiencing.

I screamed out, "Daddy I needed you to stay here. I can't do this without you. Why did you leave!" I screamed out to God, "What were you thinking? I need Daddy in my life. He was my earthy anchor." In my heart, I knew this would not bring him back but I had to release those emotions I was feeling. I had three dreams later, several months later. I believe to be God-given. (All my life, I generally dream frustrating dreams, chaotic, not God-given) There was a time to say goodbye in the dream and peace followed. Ask God to help you........ask Him to comfort you and this girls family as they grieve. Ask Him for the strength to get through each day, trusting that this experience will help you to help many more people down the way in your life. God understands our anguish, our pain. He understands our anger. Bad things happen to good people. My nephew was just 37 and died just before Daddy. I know it is not the same as the kind of love you had for this girl. I was so angry. That is part of grieving.

We each have a choice. You are hurting and this seems to be your answer but what about the good things that are in store for you here, if you choose to grieve this out, remember the precious times, begin to smile again, and have a productive life that helps many others.

I don't pretend to have all the answers. I have only shared my experiences with you the best way I know how to encourage you to choose life. She chose death and you see the devastation it has caused so many. Please choose life.

dredrizzel

"Hey it's me" That's what she always said first when leaving me a message or sending me an e-mail.

The day after my lst post a couple of police officers visited me at my house. They told me they were concerned for my safety and read to me the exact words I had written here on this thread. I was shocked initially and couldn't belive how they obtained all the information. They said I basically had two choices. Willing go with them to the hospital and possibly be discharged within a few hours or Be taken and have to spend 72 hours before being discharged. Of course I was choosing my first option. But after spending some time talking and they discovered I was seeing a therapist and in fact had an appointment scheduled a couple hours later they asked if they could call him. After talking with him they shared about some of their life struggles and asked me to promise not to miss my appointment. Not only did I make my appointment but it forced me to open up more about my feelings of depression and thoughts of suicide with my therapist. He is really good. I went threw 1 other before him and am lucky I got him. He has roughly 20 years of experience dealing with suicide and it's grief process.

After I got home I canceled the order.

I don't want to be the Dad, Son or Friend that causes any of the pain I am going through. That really has been the single factor that gets me forcing my mind to think differently. And Ashlee always said she loved how driven and motivated I was. We even got into a small argument one time when I was being totally negative about all my financial short comings. She later wrote me a letter telling me how I must not be the man she fell in love with because the man she loved would never let life kick em around and quit. She never ever could see a quieter in me and I don't think being one now would reflect how much love I truly have for her and my loved ones. I think back and wish I could have seen life the way she did and been able to help. Then I get mad. I just have these days where my brain won't switch channels and all I can choose to do is try and figure everything out. But I can say they don't completely crush me evertime and they don't hit as often.

I'm pretty tired and gonna head of to bed but before I go I want you all to know how thankful I am for your support and responses. It touches my soul that people I have never known or met care so much about myself and others that they take there time to share their strengths and wisdom. Thank you. And I'll finish the store later too

jrebel7

Dredrizzel, you sound so much better! Thank you for choosing life. I am so proud of you. Keep those positive thoughts foremost in your mind daily. I am so glad that you posted and found a place where people genuinely do care deeply about people.

Stay in touch!

Kia

Oh I am so happy for you! I am glad that you chose life. Keep it up and I will be praying for you