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When you first start seeing someone, how often is often enough?
I figured I'd ask this question in this section rather than in relationships since more of you may have asked this question yourselves.
I've been seeing this girl for a little over a month now, and we've been spending the weekends together. I'll go over her place Saturday evening and we'll go out for dinner, dancing, or whatever, and I'll stay over and chill with her for most of Sunday, and leave around 3 or 4pm.
During the week, we'll talk on the phone once, and chat online 2-3 times. I want to make sure I take things slow, and am a bit concerned that I may be allowing this to move too fast. I want to keep her interested, and keep myself mysterious I guess...haha.
When we do spend time together on the weekends, it's great. We never run out of things to say or do, and the interest level is high. She always initiates our online convos, and I make sure to end them at their peak, or end them after 15-20 min.
Am I doing good? Too much?
There are a few people on these boards who are familiar now with my situation, but I'd like to hear some fresh voices too from this section.
You've only been dating a month or so and already are spending the weekends at her house? And you don't think that's too fast??? Way too fast. Slow it way down. Interest level is high right now cause you're just spilling yourself all over her and vice versa, BUT, it will end up biting you in the rear. She will (or you for that matter) wake up one day and say, I'm done, too much too soon. I know it feels good right now, but is it worth the price of terminating this relationship prematurely because of too much everything. Take control of your whims, miss her and let her miss you, its much nicer that way.
Well it's hard because she's an hour away...so when I end up seeing her on Sat night, it's difficult to have to drive home and doesn't make much sense.
She is a grad school student and shares an apartment with 2 other girls, so when I'm there, we sleep in her room...she doesn't have a room mate or anything like that. I'm usually over there from Sat night to Sunday afternoon, and we don't see each other during the week because I've got too much stuff going on to drive an hour to see her and then be back at home to sleep and get up for work the next day.
Do you think I should just drive home on Sat night after we go out or whatever?
The whole sleep over thing also has to do with how we met. She found out that I liked her, and at a party, she asked me to go home with her. I guess we both thought it was gonna be a one-night type thing, but we didn't have sex (I said no), and we started seeing each other and it's become a relationship type thing, although neither of us have defined it as being "official".
The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occassions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting out, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's gonna come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?
Let me ask you something, how did it make you feel that she asked you to go home with her after meeting her at a party?
The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occassions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting out, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's gonna come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?
Let me ask you something, how did it make you feel that she asked you to go home with her after meeting her at a party?
It made me question her character. I've only been with 1 girl my entire life so far, and consider myself to be one of those respectful and shy types. Not because I am forced to be, but by choice. I don't like the hook up scene.
I liked this girl, and she really came on strong by asking me to go back with her. I guess I enjoyed this attention, as I had never experienced it before, but it kinda made me feel uncomfortable, and so I told her I just wanted to get to know her and we stayed up all night talking.
By the way, I really like your suggestion. That is exactly what I will start doing from now on. Personally, I felt a bit uncomfortable staying with her all day on Sunday...just didn't feel right to me...it felt forced. She loves it of course, and she always asks me to stay over, etc.
Also, do you mind giving me your input on whether or not a day trip date to NYC is appropriate at this stage? I was gonna take her to central park and top of the empire state..she's never been to NYC before.
You know, I think that a date to the empire state building/central park is incredibly romantic, I mean, REALLY romantic, like the movie "An affair to remember". Is that where you're trying to take this? Personally I think its way too soon. I guess I asked you how you felt about her aggressive invitation to her house was that I thought she was, well, aggressive. There was a time when an invitation like that on the night you met might label a girl as slutty. I'm not saying she's one, I'm just wondering how many times she's actually done that before and whether or not she thinks its perfectly okay behavior. It seems to me like you're not typically prone to date these kinds of women, is that what you want? I think a day trip like that is reserved for someone who is really special, someone you've been with for a while, longer than a month at least.
To be perfectly honest and brief, she's a very kind hearted girl with a tainted past. Her past doesn't bother me one bit, and it only makes me like her more. She was basically the "crazy girl" who made her mistakes and now she says she's calmed down alot and wants to live her life differently.
Enter me, the guy who never liked partying or getting drunk and you have an instant connection- she finds the new type of guy she's looking for.
Since you asked me where I'm taking this...I would say I am taking this into the realms of a new relationship. However, if you asked me why, and asked me if I believe I am truly ready, I wouldn't be able to answer "yes" with conviction.
I just don't want to mess this up, and I'm afraid that I already am.
Pat, you're not messing anything up, you're slowing it down because you do want it to last. Nothing wrong with that. Start with not sleeping over every weekend. That will slow it, but not kill it. What does she think about your relationship? Not what does she feel, but what does she think? Have you talked about that?
[quote=momincali]The distance thing is throwing a bit of a monkey wrench into it, but, I would definitely go out with her earlier on Saturday evening and then drive home (as long as you're not drinking). On the occassions you do sleep over (and I'd recommend making it only occasional), then leave Sunday morning around 10 or 11ish. That will give you the space you need in a healthy relationship that is just starting out, not to mention the extra hours you need to do your own thing, whether its laundry or hanging with your friends, whatever. Even though you don't see each other on week days, it will still overcrowd her and it's gonna come from left field. I'm glad you said no the first time you slept there, shows character on your part. Show her more. Be the mature one and take control. If she asks why the change, be honest and tell her that you really like being with her and you don't want it to end because of too much contact too soon. She may not understand initially, but she'll get it soon, and thank you for it later. What's the hurry anyway?
Hey, just to let you know... you've actually made me realise too much too soon can be a bad thing, guess im used to guys being full on in the past and find it odd when theyr not now but.. the guy im now seeing is taking things slow and maybe... well maybe its a good thing. I know ur advising the guy that started this thread but just wanted you to know what you've written has helped me too. Cheers.
Pat, you're not messing anything up, you're slowing it down because you do want it to last. Nothing wrong with that. Start with not sleeping over every weekend. That will slow it, but not kill it. What does she think about your relationship? Not what does she feel, but what does she think? Have you talked about that?
Yes, we have discussed many things, especially my past 6 year relationship, and the circumstances between us (i.e. meeting so soon after, etc.) She has told me straight up, point blank that she really likes me and she thinks I'm different. She said that I am very affectionate, accomodating, and she likes how I didn't even "rush the kiss" on that first night we spent together, and she liked even more that I don't think sex is a huge deal, and that it is something that must be done.
She has confessed that she's afraid of me hurting her (aka going back to my ex) but that won't happen. I would never go back to my ex...lol. However, I was dumped and I'm just afraid that I am using her as a rebound. I don't know if I am...that's the tricky part.
I do not read a too fast situation here...just a concern ...this is an early romance and it will slow down on it's own...it is ok to be concern about your relationship ...but donot let it take to much of your time...got problems...no...just relax...and let it flow...LET IT FLOW! HeeHaa
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