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My son is just on 16 and is very keen on a girl he met at school and who he has known for some time at school and at Scouts. Over the last month they have noticed each other more. The problem is that my wife has an objection to my son having a girlfriend until at least 18+ and has grounded him for his honesty in saying he likes this girl. He is now not allowed to go to any mixed sex events or parties and is even more particularly if the girl is there. My wife has said there is to be no outings without us till 18 and no girlfriends or just female friends at all. she is of the view that any of this causes problems. I ask her what has our son done for us to doubt him and the reply is nothing but I am not gioing to allow the temptation. As a result my son is very unhappy and the bond between him and the girl is so strong that she says she will not let her stand in the way. In fact in the next few days my wife will be confronted by the girl but I think that will make things worse.
I know the girl as well as I was a Scout Leader and they are both good kids. My wife wont compromise and says there is to be no talk of it from either me or my son as there is nothing more to say. My son knows the ground rules on this of what is expected etc but my wife wont compromise. The family tension at present is unbelievable.
I agree, the tension in your home must be pretty unbearable.
You do not say which country you hail from. If from the US I believe different states have their own laws with regard to parental control issues.
Whatever the law says, I believe your wife is being very unfair to her son. She must realise that a lot of children mature much earlier nowadays. She must learn to start letting him grow up and find his own way in life.
All she seems to be succeeding in doing is alienating him and you because of her attitude toward her son and this young lady. This is very likely to reverberate on her later. If she insists on treating her son in this way things are likely to get worse and as soon as he is able or legally entitled to do so, he will up and leave home and the love and respect between mother and son will undoubtedly suffer. I am sure she does not want that to happen.
She probably feels, like most mothers, that no girl is good enough for her 'little' boy, but she must learn to realise and accept that her son is no longer a little boy, he is nearing adulthood and must be allowed to do so without too much interference from her. Mistakes and all.
She should be there to help and advise him when he needs it, but not lay down the law about where he should go and who he should see.
I am wondering whether this attitude stems from the way your wife was treated when she was growing up. Was she denied her freedom at that age?
She must realise that the world has changed since she was 16 and teenagers expect and are entitled to much more freedom.
From what you say, both your son and this young lady are acting in a very mature manner and please forgive me for saying so, I feel his mother should be acting in the same way. It appears that she knew nothing about her sons feelings for this girl until he was open and honest about it and told her.
I am a man with three grown up children but when they were your sons age I still felt over protective and worried about them. Not only my daughter, but my two sons also. However I decided that they were old enough and mature enough to make the right decisions. The trust I gave them was not in vain and they did not let me down.
From the way I read your post, it appears that although you know and trust this young lady, your wife does not. If this is the case I feel it unfair that she should be judging her.
If I was concerned I would at least want to get to know her. Possibly by inviting her to my home and giving her a chance to get to know me and vice versa.
If the feelings these two have for each other are as strong as they appear to be, I doubt that anything will prevent them from seeing each other with or without permission. As they say, 'love will find a way'.
I also feel your wife is being very ostrich like (burying her head in the sand) by not being prepared to discuss the problem.
Both you and your son have every right to insist that the attitude your wife is showing be discussed and my advice would be to tell her that what she is doing and not being prepared to talk about it is likely to tear the family apart and she is possibly running the risk of eventually losing her son completely. Also if he feels so strongly about this girl, he is being put in an impossible position by having to make a choice between his mother and the young lady.
I agree entirely that if this girl confronts your wife in the present situation it will likely be disastrous for all concerned. She may want to see your wife with the best of intentions but the way your wife seems to be feeling at the moment, no good will come of it. Tempers are likely to flare, the door may be slammed in the girls face and the damage it could do to all of you could be irreparable. If she confronts your wife it is very likely that both you and your son will be forced to take sides, which will do no one any good and only make matters worse.
Far better would be to try to convince your wife to sit down with you and your son and discuss the situation rationally and thoroughly and give everyone the opportunity to put their side. It does no one any good bottling up these things and refusing to try to find an acceptable solution.
With regard to the law, if you live in the UK, your wife has no legal right to stop her son seeing whoever he wants, or even leaving home if he so wishes.
My advice would be to find out how the law stands where you live and if your wife no longer has the power to stop her son seeing whoever he wants, she must be prepared to accept this if necessary. If this does turn out to be the case, it should not be used as a weapon to force her to accept the situation, but more of a bargaining tool. It obviously goes without saying that it is not an ideal situation to have to quote the law with a problem like this, far better to try to resolve the situation between yourselves.
I have no doubt that your wife loves her son with all her heart, as of course do you, and wants the very best for him. But I feel she is very wrong in laying down the law in the way she is and trying to prevent him from seeing the girl he has strong feelings for. He is sixteen and mature enough to tell his mother how he feels for this girl therefore his mother should accept this and be prepared to trust him and the girl.
My apologies for such a lengthy reply.
I would love to know how things turn out. Would you please post something here later to let us all know? Thanks.
I think your wife's decision could backfire on her. I personally think 16 is a good age to start dating. The whole point of dating is for your son to find what characteristics he likes in girls and which ones he doesn't. That way, when he is older, he doesn't just marry the first beautiful thing that come into his life, which could easily end in divorce. If your wife isn't going to let him date and be around girls, he will probably find one, and completely detach himself from your wife. Or from not having any experience with girls, he could become terrified of ever approaching one for a date later. I don't think she wants that so she needs to realize what the consequences of these rules will be. I would think your son is responsible enough to go to a movie or dinner with a girl, or even have her over for dinner, and she just might win your wife over! If your wife is afraid that he might get his heart broken, it probably will happen, but I'm sure he will break a few hearts along the way too. Like I said, dating is just finding what is right for him.
Regardless of putting limits on his social activities her little boy will eventually grow up and leave the nest. Limiting him will only make him look forward to that day way more than he should, and will create resentment towards his mother. Keeping anyone from doing what they want will only make them want it more, it will make that person think they have little trust from the people that are playing 'dictator'.
If she is worrying about losing his heart to another woman who isn't 'mom', it won't ever happen. A man's heart is limitless. Just because he falls in love or like doesn't mean he doesn't love his mother, or you. To him she will always be the woman in his life, if he ever gets his heart broken (hopefully it never happens, and if it does I hope he keeps his head high) he will always have at least one woman he can depend on and trust, and that will be mom.
Have the girl over for dinner a few times. Let them watch movies together at home. Take your wife on a date along with the two of them. Guidance should come with love, trust, discipline and morality, not hinderance and doubt.
Personally, I think you should put your foot down and take control of the situation but if your marriage doesn't constitute the man as being head of the household then just shrug this statement off.
Good luck to you and your son, your wife as well, she sounds scared to pieces.
The more you restrict your kids the more they will rebel. Parents need to find a mediocre with their kids. Especially at that age.
Your wife should understand and at least respect your childs honesty. Probably now he knows that he shouldnt tell all truth to his mum when it comes to girls again, though he may still speak to you, as, as a dad, he knows you understood his position.
I hate to throw even more tension in your house but if you can't convince your wife to at least compromise then you will have to be forceful in your defense of your son and his "education". You sound like a very good father and it will go along way to making a stand for your son's freedon. From the sound of it you've raised a good young man so far and I would hope it continues. He has asked respectfully and as a father to good kids ....Support him. thats the right thing to do. She will be mad at first no doubt , but hey you have to do what you have to for your children. Talk to your woman, dad, and take the heat for your son. She is wrong. He is worth it.
What dark ages does your wife live in??? Does she want to lose her son? The best way to hold onto a child is give them freedom as they earn it.
What we have here appears to be a responsible and moral young man, active in Scouting. And a mother who hasn't a clue about the realities of the world we live in. The age of 14 is a reasonable time for boys to start dating (14 for girls). At 16 there is no question about it, 18 is ridiculous.
What I would suggest is that you bring your wife to your clergyman or similar advisor and have them try to talk some sense into her. Ask the girl to give you some time to turn your wife around.
But if she refuses or still holds her ground, you need to stop being a wimp and stand up to her. I doubt if you will find anyone who will not support 16 as a more than reasonable age to start dating. Tell her, in no uncertain terms, that she is being medieval and unreasonable. That you will not force your son to sneak around or openly defy her. That he has your permission to date and if she doesn't like it she can lump it.
I would like to thank everyone for their support and advice I feel more comfortable tackling this problem with my wife now. Some people asked where i was from I am form Melbourne,Victoria, Australia. The law sates age of consent is 16 in our state of Victoria Australia. Some Australian States it is different. Marraige is if one partner is 18 and if one younger than that 1 parent or gaurdian of the younger one signs a form.That info is for those that asked
Once again I appreciate all of your support and advice so I have organised my 16 year old my wife and I to go out to dinner together to discuss this issue will let you all know how it goes next week after the public Melbourne Cup Holliday. I will be trying to convince my wife to meet this girl over the long week end and give her a chance. No problem from me as I already know this girl through Scouts.
bringing in a 3rd party is probably not a good idea. I doubt she will be open to that... especially if brought about by you, your son, or this girl.
When she decided to make a decision and not allow compromise or any input or discussion from you, she decided to lose her right to make this decision at all.
I think its just time for you to put your foot down. Why is she even allowed to make a decision like this? I imagine it is not the first time either.
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