So confused. Wonderful guy, doesn't want a serious relationship BUT...
Asked Jun 26, 2012, 08:41 AM
Here's the thing. I've resorted to posting about this on a website because I haven't been able to find a single other post out there that respectfully is expressing the same or similar enough predicament as the one I am in.
I want whoever reads this to take my word on a few things, to start. I actually am a very receptive young woman, and if I am going to state these next things so boldly then it's worth believing, so please do.
The man I am seeing, is very intelligent, honest, genuine and kind. He truly does NOT wish to hurt me, and I know that he would avoid that at all costs so long as he knew he was doing such a thing or would end up doing such a thing. Although of course I know, when it comes to emotions, it isn't always so clean cut.
I believe what ever he tells me because he deserves to be trusted, most definitely. I feel safe in speaking with him and we communicate very well. (Apart from this one issue, which I will get to in a bit). He always is concerned for what I am feeling or thinking and cares a great deal enough to always reach out and discuss anything on my mind and to reach clarity. Honestly, I am really in awe of him. I am aware that my feelings toward him are becoming very intense.
We have a great connection, for sure, we get along so well and have so many things in common. What we have in common and the way our personalities seem to mesh is fantastic, aah.
The bottom line, is we started seeing each other about 5 full months ago. I went away on a couple 2 week vacations, which split up those first 2 and a half months a bit. It was casual, but enjoyable seeing him, as we'd spend the day together and YES have sex, which is absolutely the best sex I have ever had, as we communicate so well and just really make a good "match" hahaha. (Lucky me!)
I voiced concern over this, as my anxiety naturally had me worrying, though he didn't REALLY give me any reason to worry, that sex might be his motive. Nothing wrong with that either, but I knew I wanted something else, something more. He assured me it was not, he said he takes things as they come, but that is not what he is going for and he was sorry I had the impression and not to worry. Basically.
Time went on. We have been seeing each other once, sometimes twice, a week. I again came to a point where I felt I needed to know if this was leading anywhere, what he wanted to make of it. He called me when I had texted him this. We spoke on the phone for a couple of hours. He told me he had gotten out of a relationship before having met me and had to take things slow. He was over the girl, (and I do believe him on this), but at the time, other things were going on. His mother was VERY ill, and it was heartbreaking, among other things. (I trust this answer, he invested in this conversation so much, so don't question this part of my story.) I saw him a couple days later. He sensed something was wrong I suppose, and called me once he got home. We spoke on the phone for 3 hours. I told him that I didn't know if I could do this, because I like him far too much. I knew I would get hurt if all this was, was leading to nothing. That I understand where he's coming from, but I know myself. And I know how I feel. He was so kind. He told me, essentially, that he just needs to take it slow. It isn't that he doesn't WANT something more one day, but right now in his life, he just can't invest in something to serious.
I continued seeing him. It was so wonderful every time I'd see him. We text pretty much every day, not a great deal, but enough. He calls me beautiful. He says and does all the sweetest things however I sensed a distance from him, a wall up, for sure.
The other day I asked him if I could know more about his last relationship. It wasn't really spoken of previous. We met, and he asked me what I wanted to know. The conversation led to him telling me she had cheated on him. He did not have feelings for her anymore, but at that time, it was devastating. It hurt his ego very much, and with what was happening in his life, he was at a VERY low point. He said he met me shortly after, and knew I was a great person, and really enjoyed my company and wanted to continue seeing me.
He said he wasn't ready for commitment, but he is loyal. This is all true. He is loyal as much as I can be sure, we are exclusive in all ways and he has no interest in seeing anyone else. He wants to have something with me that is a step below a relationship. It's confusing because I know he really likes me. I feel like it's possible he likes me, a LOT. He seems scared and guarded. I want to believe in this instinct of mine, but it's difficult.
Especially when you read so many posts from others whiny and ing about how terrible guys are. And to be fair, guys, the post I've read as responses from many men reflect TERRIBLY on males. These situations and these guys, are nothing like my situation or the man I am seeing. He has said himself and it is surely true. He comes off tough, suave, and he is- But he's incredibly affectionate and afraid of giving too much. I'd never hurt him and he knows how I Feel about him. I'm one of the kindest most compassionate people I know, and I'm not "tooting my own horn". He and I have this spark that could be something very special and I know there is no way he doesn't at least see or feel it to even a lesser degree, because he's so guarded.
Yet during this conversation, as I lay there in the grass so awkward, looking at him obviously holding back emotion, telling him the truth of how I feel and that ultimately, though we both know taking it slow can be a great idea, in the end, I want something more. I want him, I want to be with him. He didn't say he didn't want this eventually, instead he just says he what he wants right now. Not a serious relationship, because he can't invest in that at the moment. He's mathematical, rational, logical in a way- Always trying to "take the best most efficient route". I admire this, but I want him- So- Bad. I'm willing to invest my patience in this, as I do feel it is worth it.
After expressing my feelings toward him and how I can't continue this knowing it won't lead anywhere because I want more, and I will get hurt, he sat there looking so, so sad. He looked like he could cry. I wanted to hold him, but of course I did not. Eventually he went on to explain in detail everything about his state, why he wants what he wants, why he needs space. I told him it did not really matter, if he didn't want something serious in the end. But he wanted me to understand. He looked so upset. Then he held me in his arms and he kissed me all over my face, my eyes, my nose, just looking at me, saying sweet things. We eventually ended up having silly and great conversation for a short while, he wanted to know if I felt better, if I was hungry. We went, had dinner, I went to his apartment as usual. I expressed concern in doing so, and he didn't push me at all. He just held my hands and put his arm around me, kissing me on the side of a busy street in town. That night was really great as usual but I felt even closer to him than previous. He said at one point very quick that he'd like me to come over more often, spend more time with me. Hmm. He held me a lot, held my hands, was so affectionate.
I don't know what to make of it all. I feel perhaps he just is so guarded and not ready to indulge in something so serious, but even though he can't get himself to say that he will want it with me one day (he doesn't say he does or doesn't), his actions and words and the vibe I get from him is that he does. Maybe he is scared? It's hard to imagine a guy can be all these things, isn't it the women who is? =P He keeps me along even after I make it clear that he will hurt me if we continue to see each other and it doesn't lead to something more eventually. He doesn't want to hurt me, I know it would pain him to hurt me. I also know that he wouldn't tell me what I want to hear, just to keep me from being hurt. He's purely genuine.
Feedback? Kind feedback, please, I don't care for any responses from men who are disrespectful individuals or men who use women or aren't genuine themselves. It's not easy to find people like the man I am seeing, so I know it's not easy to find people online who would post a response who are a similar, good type of person. Thanks in advance.... Men and women's responses are welcome. =]