[Gibblets]

I've been dating this girl for 2 months now and things are going great. I really like her, and she's the sweetest girl I've met in the past year or so. After my break-up with my girlfriend of 5 years, the year of dating which followed was filled with hook ups and unsuccessful week long "relationships" because I was rushing things and hadn't found my own bearings yet.

Now with this girl, I'm sure and ready for a new relationship. However it's her who I think isn't ready- her and her boyfriend of 3 years broke up about a year and a half ago, and because they still remain in contact a year and a half hasn't been enough to help her get over him.

From day one, I knew what I was getting myself into and she knew it too. However over two months things have gotten a bit complicated so I decided to ask her what she thought of everything and she told me that she thinks we're exclusive, but doesn't feel right calling me her boyfriend yet.

I mean, I couldn't care less about being called a boyfriend because after all, what does a stupid title mean anyway? It's not like we're married and have a legal contract.

So what's your take on this guys?

[talaniman]

Well, you know how you felt after your break up so you should have agood idea what she is feeling, and work to keep the complications down, and keep it simple and slow. Two months is still friends getting to know each other and you may be exclusive, but not yet bonded. Go slow and have fun, and leave the serious stuff for much, much later. Leave your heart at home.

[Gibblets]

Well, you know how you felt after your break up so you should have agood idea what she is feeling, and work to keep the complications down, and keep it simple and slow. Two months is still friends getting to know each other and you may be exclusive, but not yet bonded. Go slow and have fun, and leave the serious stuff for much, much later. Leave your heart at home.

Wow... good advice man!

Exclusive but not yet bonded... good choice of words.

How do two people become bonded anyway? I've forgotten how its done. Maybe just a thing that happens over time?

Yeah, I have been keeping it slow. I make sure that I only see her once, maybe twice a week tops. She always asks me to hang out so that's good. I don't always say yes because I have other things to do so it naturally falls into once or twice a week. So far so good, she's really into me but I can't help but feel insecure sometimes about her ex coming in and taking her back.

But I guess all details aside, if she likes ME, she'll choose ME, correct?

[Gibblets]

I just wanted to bump this up for more replies.

I understand that it's important to keep it light so I'm going to drop the whole pressure thing and never mention our "relationship status" again.

I'm just worried that I'm going to get hurt if she decides to go back to her ex one day. I just feel that this whole "I can't call you my boyfriend yet but we're exclusive" thing is a selfish manipulation technique she's doing. It's not fair that I'm her back up plan and that I'm waiting for her. I'm ready for possibilities and she's not.

[John_L86]

Her keeping contact with the ex boyfriend is a load of crap.
I would play along for a while longer until you believe you've
Got her hooked, then it's time for the ultimatum that he's got to
Go...

[Gibblets]

Her keeping contact with the ex boyfriend is a load of crap.
I would play along for a while longer until you believe you've
got her hooked, then it's time for the ultimatum that he's gotta
go........

Yeah, that's what I was thinking of doing.

I mean, I really like this girl so I'm biased towards thinking that she's just hurting over her first love and that she needs more time to heal. I don't want to put any pressure on her you know?

I think I'm going to back off a bit and let her chase me a bit... really turn up the romance and make sure everything I do is on point for a few more weeks. Then I'm just going to say "Look, you need to work things out. When you've got things figured out call me, but until then we need to cool off".

Do you guys think that is too harsh to say? How can I give an ultimatum without putting pressure on her?

I mean, I could keep going and keep mum hoping one day that she'll get over him and call me her boyfriend but chances are if I stick around, she'll know that I'm the back up guy whether she wants the ex or not. I need to make her choose, and with my emotions getting more tangled in her by the day, it's going to have to come down to me walking away. I've got to show her that I don't need her.

[chuff]

First to answer your original post. I had a similar experience years ago and she was stringing me along all the while waiting for her ex (although they had only been broken up for 6 months or so) and yes it was to satisify me with an answer but not publicly commit to me.

That being said, if you think for one second your going to hand her an ultimatium that says talk to him or you and she's going to choose you, your going to be on the losing end of that fight. Just on the ultimatium, you can't be making those and then trying to position yourself as better then her ex. She's going to laugh at you, then drop you.

Some ex's can remain friends. I can't say if that's going on here or if she's holding out for something more. But if you think that's what she's doing and you are going to demand that she stop talking to the ex then your not in a good situation. Maybe it's you who should back off for awhile and see what she does. If you back off and she doesn't care then she doesn't like you. If you back off and she comes to you then she has an genuine interest.

[Gibblets]

First to answer your original post. I had a similiar experience years ago and she was stringing me along all the while waiting for her ex (although they had only been broken up for 6 months or so) and yes it was to satisify me with an answer but not publically commit to me.

That being said, if you think for one second your going to hand her an ultimatium that says talk to him or you and she's gonna choose you, your gonna be on the losing end of that fight. Just on the ultimatium, you can't be making those and then trying to position yourself as better then her ex. She's going to laugh at you, then drop you.

Some ex's can remain friends. I can't say if that's going on here or if she's holding out for something more. But if you think that's what she's doing and you are going to demand that she stop talking to the ex then your not in a good situation. Maybe it's you who should back off for awhile and see what she does. If you back off and she doesn't care then she doesn't like you. If you back off and she comes to you then she has an genuine interest.

Solid words man. No, I won't give her an ultimatum... she definitely won't like that... people generally despise pressure... I know this.

What I am going to do is just tell her that she needs more time to work herself out, that I like her and care about her and to call me if she wants to when she's got everything figured out. Then I'll just say bye.

It's not about her talking to her ex, or her eventually being friends with him. I'm cool and secure about that. What I'm not cool with is the feeling that when she's lying next to me in bed, her heart is with someone else and her mind is thinking about him. I feel sad, insecure and insulted. Sometimes when I try to look at her she'll look away!

In the interest of my own heart-health and to prevent myself from spending any more money and time on this girl, I'm going to have to walk away and do it soon. It'll be the only way I can save myself, and show her at the same time that I don't need her. I refuse to be her standby... but I'll do it in a nice and respectful kind of way... exactly what you said... back off and see if she comes to me.

But would it be OK to say it like I was thinking? Just tell her that I think she needs some time to think and to call me when she's ready?

I've tried the whole not returning her calls, or canceling on her dates- petty power games and she'll come right back and call or ask me out... she'll chase me.

[clarityseeker]

because they still remain in contact a year and a half hasn't been enough to help her get over him.

Call me jaded from my recent mess (and I am), but if she's indicating to you explicitly or even subtly that she's not over her ex, run for cover from this girl. My ex insisted that I not introduce her as my GF at Christmas dinner after three months of dating. I think this is a common trait of commitment-phobes or people who are still attached to someone else. For all you know, she's been asking advice on how to get her ex back (guess it depends on who broke up with who there). The simple fact that you're emotionally confused is a bad sign in and of itself. If you lean back a bit and lie low, so to speak, she may pursue you. But you'll be a rebound relationship, because she won't have taken the time to be on her own AND over him at the same time. So then you'll have to worry about her waking up some day and saying "I need a break" or "I need some space" because she didn't take the time away from her ex with no contact that she needed to fully heal and figure out what she wants in a relationship. And with that time, you might be what she wants or you might not. The point I'm trying to make is you can't trust the judgment of someone in her situation, because SHE'S emotionally confused. And that confusion is contagious - it's getting passed on to you. Hope that helps.

[Gibblets]

Quick question-

By backing off, do you mean see her less often and talk to her less often? Or straight out tell her that I'm not going to see her anymore and that she needs time to heal?

[Tyne26]

Quick question-

By backing off, do you mean see her less often and talk to her less often? Or straight out tell her that I'm not gonna see her anymore and that she needs time to heal?

Personally I would leave it. This is so similar to my situation and in the end she called me to say she didn't want to see me no more. I knew she wasn't over her ex as every time he contacted her she went all weird and didn't want to be around me. At the start I thought give her time but if they need time then they shouldn't be seeing anyone really. I think you are possibly being used in a way as a comfort zone, i.e. to take her mind off her ex. The girl I was seeing admitted to me that she went with a guy for 2yrs to get her mind off an ex but didn't get closure on him till after this recent relationship. Stay away is my advice, you will get hurt as you want more, she may grow to you in the future but if she then turns round after whatever time it could be and says " i don't want to be with you anymore" you will be left to pick up the pieces.

[talaniman]

Its to early to be exclusive, neither of you is ready for that step. Back off means just that less time together and less time talking. Not a very good way to build anything with anybody. I can see you want more right now than she does, and this will have a conflict, That will put you in the same place you were before. Drop this exclusive stuff, and don't build your life around her. Keep your independence and keep doig what makes you happy without her. Its nobodies fault that she hasn't unpacked her baggage yet, but it also isn't fair for you to wait on maybe, and keep investing time and emotion.

[Nebula]

Hey mate, I didn't read the replies but, be yourself, expect what you want, be happy, be kind-treat her how you'd like to be treated, don't presume you know her every thought, see and let her know all the good you see in her and you will get what you need out of the relationship. Be in your NOW! Be Happy.

[Gibblets]

Thanks everyone. I know what I need to do now... your advices has been invaluable!

Yeah, it's true that I am wanting more. And my wanting is being spurred on by the illusion that she wants the same thing- but she's doing things for completely different reasons than mine. Here I am, wanting a genuine relationship but she's confused and simply going through the motions for god knows what- to use me for comfort, to compare me to her ex... I have no idea. Either way, it's not good for me... I know this.

I'm going to take the advice I've been given and back off completely. I've been rearranging my schedule for her and that's the first thing that's going out the door. I'll still see her but not at the expense of my family, friends, and personal time. I'll also go back out there and meet other women and keep it very light like I was before I met this girl.

I've learned a lot since my break up though... there's a whole world out there in terms of adult dating... so much more to learn about others and of myself.