[youzi]

Hi:

I have been browsing through this forum for several weeks now. I feel like I still need advice.

On July 9th, my girlfriend of 9 years decided to put our relationship on a break. We first went out when I was 18 and she was 17. She just recently graduated from her final post secondary education. We both already pick an engagement ring together and I was ready to propose to her in the up coming months. She said that she doesn't feel the "butterflies" in her stomach when we go out, and that she feels like during this whole time she was in school and felt like now she has seen the world (she went on a trip with her classmates to Hawaii on first week of June) Throughout the 9 years we have experienced both the good and bad, and up until her graduation in May, she kept on asking me when I am going to give the ring to her. It has been three weeks now, ( I gave her a letter explaining my whole hearted love towards her). A good mutual friend of ours tells me now to contact her for as long as possible, saying contacting her will only make her more nervous. I will admit that in the recent year I have become more relaxed and complacent towards her. I thought that we are in such stable relationship that I do not need to be on edge all the time. However, I truly love her.

Please help me, I will add more details as I get more replies. I am afraid if I type the entire story people will just not read it...

I really appreciate your help!

[joypulv]

' A good mutual friend of ours tells me now to contact her for as long as possible, saying contacting her will only make her more nervous.'

I have a feeling that you meant to say NOT to contact her, because she asked for a break with no contact?

It does sound like she's disappointed that you weren't eager to get married or even engaged as soon as she was done with school. You picked out a ring and even bought it, sometime before May, and here it is the end of July... and you were planning to ask her 'sometime' in the coming months? Speaking as a woman, I'd be ready to can the whole relationship. The word complacent isn't strong enough.

I'd break the no contact rule, and I never say that, but in this case, she needs you singing under her balcony. Flowers and bended knee. The mutual friend can take her to a pre-arranged place and you arrive at a certain time with flowers and words of love and eagerness to propose, while the friend moves off to the side and waits to see what she says in case she wants you gone.
What's the matter with you? She may still be in her 20s but she is constantly aware of her biological clock, regardless of career plans. Plus I imagine she is hurt. Again - why were you dragging the proposal out for no reason at all? And how could you possibly not see how obvious this all is?

And if she is willing to hear out the proposal, tell her you want to get MARRIED as soon as she can work out the arrangements. You'll marry her tomorrow if she wants. Gee, go overboard for once in your life.

[youzi]

' A good mutual friend of ours tells me now to contact her for as long as possible, saying contacting her will only make her more nervous.'

I have a feeling that you meant to say NOT to contact her, because she asked for a break with no contact?

It does sound like she's disappointed that you weren't eager to get married or even engaged as soon as she was done with school. You picked out a ring and even bought it, sometime before May, and here it is the end of July... and you were planning to ask her 'sometime' in the coming months? Speaking as a woman, I'd be ready to can the whole relationship. The word complacent isn't strong enough.

I'd break the no contact rule, and I never say that, but in this case, she needs you singing under her balcony. Flowers and bended knee. The mutual friend can take her to a pre-arranged place and you arrive at a certain time with flowers and words of love and eagerness to propose, while the friend moves off to the side and waits to see what she says in case she wants you gone.
What's the matter with you? She may still be in her 20s but she is constantly aware of her biological clock, regardless of career plans. Plus I imagine she is hurt. Again - why were you dragging the proposal out for no reason at all? And how could you possibly not see how obvious this all is?

And if she is willing to hear out the proposal, tell her you want to get MARRIED as soon as she can work out the arrangements. You'll marry her tomorrow if she wants. Gee, go overboard for once in your life.

Dear Joy:

Thank you for replying but I am afraid things aren't that simple. Prior to this "break" she already asked for a one week break which caused my world to turn upside down. Afterwards she said lets meet up and try to workout the issues. After listening to her concerns, I did ask her to get engaged to me, but she said wait until her trip back to Taiwan in September. But after that break I felt like she was still cold and distant. I then talked to her and told her I felt she is distant and asked her if she still wanted to continue this relationship, that's when this second break happened.

Regards,

Brian

[joypulv]

And I still say you sound unbearably lacking in eagerness. I don't know what else to say. You admit to being complacent, and then, when she starts to wonder about you, you start asking her where she stands instead of jumping to be more loving. You write down your feelings instead of speaking them and acting on them. You buy a ring but don't BEG her to marry you the day after she finishes school, and MONTHS go by. Doesn't that all sound just ----- beyond complacent?
Don't you realize that you have to make up for lost time, and be the one to go more than half way?

[kctiger]

My friend, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think the writing is on the wall, and perhaps has been for quite some time. I honestly don't think it has anything to do with your hesitation to "give her a ring." Her proclamation about butterflies no longer being in her stomach would have nothing to do with wanting a ring. 9 years is a long time, especially when that covers a LOT of the different stages of maturity.


I for one would not contact her, at all. I don't want to spread rose pedals of hope on your door and I can't be the one to sugar coat anything. She has "lost that love and feeling." This is of course an outsider's perspective. Purely from your story, I'd say, for now, it's over. You've had 9 years to shower her with gifts, proclaim your love, and hold her during tough times. I don't see anything changing your situation, not a poem or love letter. Respect her wishes and leave her be. In the meantime, start building a solid foundation of a life you can be happy with, even without her in it. I wish love stories in real life worked like the movies, but sadly it rarely works that way. Making her smile for just one day by doing something dramatic would have course be nice, but that doesn't mean you can make her smile the rest of her life.

[Oliver2011]

Here is another perspective that you might want to consider. My sister did the same thing only she was married at the time. She had been going to night school while working full time. She got both her undergrad and her graduate degree all while attending night school. Once that pressure and stress was over she had too much free time on her hands and didn't know how to fill it. This lead to real issues with her husband. But after a few weeks/months they worked things out and now have 3 beautiful children together.

[youzi]

My friend, I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think the writing is on the wall, and perhaps has been for quite some time. I honestly don't think it has anything to do with your hesitation to "give her a ring." Her proclamation about butterflies no longer being in her stomach would have nothing to do with wanting a ring. 9 years is a long time, especially when that covers a LOT of the different stages of maturity.


I for one would not contact her, at all. I don't want to spread rose pedals of hope on your door and I can't be the one to sugar coat anything. She has "lost that love and feeling." This is of course an outsider's perspective. Purely from your story, I'd say, for now, it's over. You've had 9 years to shower her with gifts, proclaim your love, and hold her during tough times. I don't see anything changing your situation, not a poem or love letter. Respect her wishes and leave her be. In the meantime, start building a solid foundation of a life you can be happy with, even without her in it. I wish love stories in real life worked like the movies, but sadly it rarely works that way. Making her smile for just one day by doing something dramatic would of course be nice, but that doesn't mean you can make her smile the rest of her life.

Hi KC:

Please understand that during these 9 years I have always supported her no matter what. It is not like I just stood by and did nothing. I loved her with my whole heart. I believe that those butterflies can be regained, but I need another chance. Having no closure from her for a week after dropping off the letter is very painful. She mentioned several things that is causing her stress. One of them being can't find a job after graduation locally and need to go to UK.

And I am not trying to get sympathy but my mom was diagnosed with stage 3 rectum cancer. It really has not been easy for me. My girlfriend studied radiation therapy, exactly the stuff that my mom is going through. Words can't describe how much I wish she could be beside me to support me.

[J_9]

From a woman's perspective, I wouldn't have waited 9 years. That's too long without the ring on my finger.

Even if she was finishing her studies, she most likely did not want to wait a decade for you to propose. Then you go out and pick out the ring together, but you are going to wait for "the upcoming months" to propose?

The real deal is that she got tired of waiting around for this. Next time, in your next relationship, don't wait so long.

[kctiger]

Youzi: I think you misunderstood me, which I apologize for. I didn't mean you've done nothing in these 9 years. What I'm saying is that you have most likely done a lot, both of you actually, in these 9 years. That being said, I don't see any further gifts or similar tokens as being able to salvage this.

Most importantly, thoughts and prayers to your mother. I wish you the best!

[joypulv]

I'm a woman. I know J_9 is a woman. There's two of us saying you waited too long, especially after picking out the ring, to propose.

You began by saying you were too relaxed and complacent but love her with all your heart. Many, many men don't comprehend the middle ground of love. You don't have to be 'on edge' as you say to be warm and affectionate and listening and expressing, all those attributes women want and have a hard time finding. When I say get on bended knee with flowers, it isn't a suggestion to always be that romantic. It's to make up for DRAGGING YOUR FEET the last 3 months, at least!

[youzi]

There is absolutely no hope then? I don't get how nine years of together would somehow end like this...

[J_9]

Nine years is a long time for a girl to wait for an engagement, much less a marriage. She got tired of waiting.

[joypulv]

Why are you asking total strangers if 'there is no hope then?'
That alone says a lot about you. You've heard different viewpoints from several people. I gave the hopeful suggestion and you glossed right over it. That shows that you have chosen the hopeless one. C'est la vie.

[youzi]

Why are you asking total strangers if 'there is no hope then?'
That alone says a lot about you. You've heard different viewpoints from several people. I gave the hopeful suggestion and you glossed right over it. That shows that you have chosen the hopeless one. C'est la vie.

Joy I am not ignoring your comment. I appreciate any feedback.

It is just if she doesn't have the same affection as I have towards her, how would the ring help. Her friend t

[joypulv]

You come across as extremely passive. You sit on your thumbs doing nothing toward a future with her. Worse, you pretend to care about the future by buying a ring MONTHS ago, with vague promises. Then when she is fed up way past the stage that most women would have been, you say nothing will help because she doesn't feel the same way for you that you do for her!
I GIVE UP. You are hopeless and clueless. Good luck with the rest of your life. I'm sorry about your mother, but that shouldn't put your life in a vise of going nowhere. I don't think you are capable of showing that you want to undo the last several months of waffling.

[youzi]

Her friend told me currently she is in a state that no matter what other people say, she can't absorb it. And I hold off contacting her as long as I can or I will make her more nervous.

But I still can't understand why can't we work out whatever the issue is. After 9 years or growing up since high school, we have gone through so much.

I don't understand how it went from a loving couple to this in two months..

I have never felt so lost and depressed .

[joypulv]

You go to her and you BEG her to forgive you and marry you today with all the feeling and passion of someone who has one last tiny shred of a chance to redeem himself.
!!