[sadnessforhim]

My boyfriend and his ex broke up about three months ago. She told him she lost feelings for him and he broke it off. They were together for two yrs. They had been through a lot together. She was there for him when he needed her the most.

She started dating a new guy and promised them that they would get back together just not right now. I met him the day they broke up three months ago. He said he was tired of being single and alone and he really liked me and already knew that I liked him so we started dating. We've been dating for almost a month now.

He talks about her all the time he talks to her all the time and goes and sees her. I trust him completely and he said he was trying to get over her but just be friends. And I've allowed it. I understand that he's hurting and I've been there for him. I don't push him or anything. We tell each other exactly how we feel. He even told me last night that he liked me a lot and is trying to fall in love with me but he can't because he still loves her. He told me he didn't want to love her but he couldn't help it. He told me if she broke up with her boyfriend today all she had to do was snap her fingers and he'd be by her side again, and that he was so sorry he didn't want to hurt me and he wasn't breaking up with me. I'm at a loss.

I believe I fell in love with him the first moment we met. I would gladly let him go be with her if that made him happy and I would just be his friend. I feel so bad because he's in pain and I can't help him. I'm sorry she doesn't love him and she wants to keep him as a backup plan. And I'm sorry I can't be her. I don't know what to do.

[talaniman]

Its really simple, your love is not enough, and you have become his emotional tampon while he suffers through his break up. No telling how long that will be but you must cut him loose to heal, and not hurt you. He will, and has been honest in telling you of his hurt. I mean common sense tells you that a guy who just got dumped is hardly ready for a healthy adult relationship with anyone, and frankly 3 months later, he still isn't ready. You never, ever give your heart to someone that is still trying to get his ex back. He is not healthy, nor is your love for him, because its absolutely one sided, and not return the way you give it.

You are right though, its YOU that allow this unhealthy situation to exist, and that's not healthy for you either.

He will hurt you if you allow it.

[sadnessforhim]

That maybe true. I we talked last night and he cried because he thought I was going to break up with him. He told me today because he almost lost me it made him realize he cared more than he thought.

[vanheart]

" I met him the day they broke up three months ago"
Boy, he didn't waste any time huh?

He got with you without getting over her.

Let him do that first.

In the meantime, I would keep your distance.

Date guys that have there act together. Treat you like #1.

[talaniman]

That maybe true. I we talked last night and he cried because he thought i was gonna break up with him. He told me today because he almost lost me it made him realize he cared more than he thought.

Does that mean he gives up on the ex? Leaves her alone? He said the words, but will they match his actions? Did you set some rules for acceptable behavior to go forward?

Or are you satisfied with just the words?

[mcinorg]

She is his back up plan. You are his. You can lead a heart to love. But you can't make it fall. Rebounds are scary. Apparently it appears you did not give him enough time to work through his let down. Be a friend and not a crutch. If you love him, it has to be unconditional. That's what friends are for. He has to make a choice about his future. You have to continue to be the loving lady you are inside. Prostituting emotions can be crucial in life long resentments. Be a friend.

[sadnessforhim]

I think he's really trying. I went three days without seeing him and then when I did his phone died and he didn't touch it again until after I left like 24 hrs later. He said he didn't care and that everyone important to him was already with him.

[vanheart]

He's got to prove it.

Not just say it.

"his phone died and he didnt touch it again until after i left"

Until he is totally over his ex, he won't be ready for you.

You can try, wait around, whatever, but, he hasn't resolved his feelings.

You want one thing, he doesn't really know.

[christie120690]

I know how you must feel, my boyfriend was with his ex for 14months, that was his first love. She ignored him for 3 months then ended it randomly via text. We started speaking 3 months later, and now together, this will be our first month together in a few days and he's told me he's still in love with her, he thinks about her constantly, everything we do he's said that he compares it with her and he always have this sickly feeling when he thinks about her. I promised I would help him through this as he wants to fall out of love with her and into love with me. It hurts so much and I fell in love with him as soon as I met him. I'm so confused, don't know whether I'm doing the right thing or just making it harder for myself?

[talaniman]

Christie, I think this is much like a nurse falling for her patient, and when he heals, he will be ready to leave your care.

Protect yourself, though we all know how hard that is because you care so much.