[sillygirl_24]

I've been with my fiancé for 2 1/2 years now, and we've been engaged for about 8 months. I know that he cheated in his previous relationship several times before it ended.
About a month ago, his behavior changed... he was on msn a lot and would close the conversation as soon as I entered the room. I got suspicious and snooped through his email (I know that's low, but I had to know... ) I found an email from a girl in one of his classes (we're in university) saying she missed him and asking if he was angry at her... I know this girl because I drive her home after class all the time... she's a little out there, so I didn't take it too seriously,but that night in bed I asked him if he would ever cheat on me and told him that I was a little freaked out by what I'd read (I had a guilty conscience about snooping and fessed up) He told me he talked to her on msn, nothing was going on, and that I was being jealous and controlling- trying to keep him from having friends,etc. So, I figured I was being paranoid and dropped it, but the feeling didn't go away. A week or so later I tried to check his email and he had changed his password (we had no secrets from each other... he uses my email sometimes too.. ) This freaked me out, and when I asked him about it, he freaked out and told me I was being controlling again. For the next week he was really sweet, bringing flowers home for me, making dinner etc. Something still didn't feel right though. I started thinking it must just be me, but I've never been the jealous type and it's never been an issue for me that he has both male and female friends... this time it just felt off... So, a few weeks later, we were at the library studying for exams... he was using our laptop and went to get us some drinks... When I took over the laptop, I noticed he left his msn logged in... my curiosity go the best of me and I clicked on the girl's name and read their conversation history, which went something like this; "Is she there(referring to me)? No. Wanna f***?" She then asked him if he was going to have my car that day, and he told her he'd be leaving in about 15 minutes. She said she wanted him to put his c**k in her and his reply was "I thought we said this was a bad idea" and that he'd leave soon. I took off my engagement ring, left the conversation open and walked out-made sure I took the keys to my car out of his jacket before I left though. He walked home and said nothing ever happened- she just kept talking to him like that and he didn't know what to do so he just told her he'd never cheat on me but let it keep happening... He said these kinds of conversations had been going on for a month or 2 (right when I started feeling things weren't right), and that he had changed his password so I couldn't read their conversations... I went home to my parents place for a few days the day after I found out what he'd done, and when I returned to our apartment to finish up writing my exams he showed me that he had cut himself while I was gone. Needless to say, that scared the crap out of me. I've asked him to get counselling but he's done nothing yet. Over the past month, since I found out, he's said different things when we talked about what happened... one time, it's that our sex life wasn't as active as he'd have liked, so he was flattered that someone else was interested and that's why it he let it keep happening, another time, he says it all happened because we argued too much... keep in mind that we were arguing because I felt something was going on, and he kept attacking me about being controlling etc, and oursex life died off because of the arguing... so, now I'm back at our apartment, and I'm seeing myself turn into someone I really don't want to be... I'm paranoid when he's 5 minutes late, when he's on the computer and I'm not around, when the phone rings... I'm not really telling him that I feel like this, but I see myself becoming one of those crazy-possessive girlfriends, and that's not cool... so, I need to know if I'm overreacting- was what he did cheating? I think it was, because he knew what he was doing was wrong and yet he did nothing to stop it. In addition, the fact that he could say such cruel and hurtful things to me,making me feel like a crazy person when he knew all along I was right... it just kills me. I don't feel like I can trust him anymore, or if I ever really will again. At the moment, I'm trying to decide if I should move out, and whether we should keep working on the relationship if we're no longer living together... all I know is that this relationship is far from being the healthy one it used to be. :(

[talaniman]

You have answered your own question pretty much and whatever you decide to do stick to it. You have every right to have healthy happy relationship. Take yourself a break to figure out what exactly YOU want.

[ordinaryguy]

Well, you know he was a cheater before you got together. I don't necessarily believe once a cheater always a cheater, but I don't see much evidence that he's really changed yet, do you? Would a man who was truly changed allow this to go on this long, denying it the whole time? I don't think so. Some women can stand being in a non-exclusive relationship, but it doesn't sound like you're one of them. Even if he swears it will never happen again, will you be able to believe him? I'm guessing you're ready to give it up and find a non-cheater to be with.