[Martian536]

Hi all, this is very confusing dilemma Im facing.. I just came off a 7 year relationship with my ex fiancé about 9 months ago, I meet an awesome girl who at first I thought would be a rebound but she definitely swooped me off my feet.. I'm not sure if its because of our sexual chemistry and all that might have ruined things too fast but this is what happened.. this girl is way younger 23 and I'm 29.. and I think its because of her age that she doesn't know what the heck she wants.. anyway, we hang out a lot.. sometimes maybe too much but she went with the flow..

So anyway, we've been dating since August.. she knew about my past and she would give signs like she was the one scared to be hurt by me because of my past.. and she also had a horrible past with her last 2 boyfriends (each of 2 years).. the last guy cheated on her and she caught photos of him with the girl naked or something crazy like that.. so anyway, fast forward to to this month.. we've been doing good so far and her main stressors are that she has to care for her elderly mother (she lives alone with her mother) and has a deadbeat dad who left her mom when she was around 15 but he comes around to visit once in awhile.. I'm not sure if this is also a cause of her abandonment issues..

So anyway, I'm probably lusting at her because she is beautiful and our physical chemsitry is great.. but anyway, come Xmas time.. last weekend we had a little argument because she was going out with her girlfriend and they were going to do some party drugs and I freaked out of concern and she got upset but told her it was only because it was about drugs.. I was getting worried that she was giving into peer pressure.. from there on, she hasn't been the same.. she felt like I was controlling her..

Then she stopped calling or texting or acting responsive as usual and said she'll just see me in 2 weeks (my bday).. I was kind of sad that she wouldn't be spending xmas or new years with me anymore... so we didn't see or talk to each other the same way for a few days.. then xmas comes and she actually comes by on xmas eve and we become passionately intimate again...

Then that was the last time I saw her.. after she went home, she went back to her usual ways.. then I called her and just spilled it all out.. I asked her "why does it seem like you're ignoring me lately, is there something wrong.." then she just let it all out and says she thinks we should just be friends and she thinks I'm monopolizing her time?.

That's when it threw me off guard.. I told her she shouldn't have visited me on xmas and make it seem like everything is okay and just move on from there, its like she gave me a last piece of her before ending things.. I mean this girl is confused.. she makes it seem like I smothered her but she basically said "she just went with the flow of things in the beginning" but realizes she can't be doing this to herself.. she said that's what messed her up in her last relationship, she became codependent.. but I didn't even see it anywhere like that.. she still did well in school (she stresses a lot over school because she is close to finishing and she also said she just wants someone to care for her while she cares for her mom.. ) and one time she whisphered in my ear asleep "please don't leave me" (abandonment issue?).. she made it seem like she was bitter and wanted someone there for her.. and I took these signs the wrong way.. maybe I cared for her too much but she seems to be blaming a lot of her personal problems on our relationship..

So I let her go and I'm giving her space.. my birthday is in a week and she promised me she'd see me on my birthday when she first started ignorning me but now I don't know if she will..


GIRLS, have any of you done this to a guy your dating because you ASSUMED like your relationship with the guy was making your own personal problems harder to deal with? I'm just blindsided again all of a sudden.. I'm not sure if she's scared to get hurt by me because of my ex or her own past is haunting her (oh and her ex-bf's birthday was on the 23rd of December is what I found out from her friend).. so not sure if that reminded her of her past..

I'm so freakin confused... possibly a classic case of Borderline Personality Syndrome?

[redhed35]

This girl is confused... she wants her freedom AND she wants a relationship... but that can't happen,unless your willing to be her shag buddy when she needs some comfort.

I think she she still dealing with past relationship issues,and your thinking with your penis!

Although in some of your text you seem to have a good grip on the situation,your ignoring the red flags.

It sounds like she is not ready for what you want... she has not yet had a good experience in a relationship to realise not all men are the same.

My advice to you is to go no contact,give her the freedom she wants and rid yourself of the emotional baggage she is projecting onto you..

Celebrate your birthday with friends and family,enjoy your life and heal from your own past relationship.

[talaniman]

You have no business in a relationship now, because your not ready, as your just out of a very long term thing, and now into something you think will replace it. She has her own issues (don't we all) and is at a very different place in her life, so lust (what you THINK of as chemistry) is already wearing off, and so what's left?

Sorry guy, replacing one relationship, with another, seldom works, and makes things worse.

Stop getting swept off your feet, by lust. Stay out of committed relationships for now, as you expect way too much, and get attached, and dependent, to easy.

You have gotten carried away to make a long story short, and would do better just having fun being single, and learn to be happy with yourself. Then you won't have to be needy, or jealous.

[Martian536]

Wow.. hopefully this girl is starting to understand why we're both crash and burned too quick and how both of our own insecurities lead us to where we were. I wrote her email explaining that it wasn't fair that we were on opposite ends of the "experience spectrum".. she has 2 2-year relationships from like 17-22 years old which is barely much but I think she got out of it a little over a year ago as well but I'm sure the lingering effect was nowhere close to mine... they weren't anywhere close to my single 8 year cohabitual relationship.. I understand its not fair that I could possibly be using her as an emotional crutch but she definitely has helped me get over my ex.. I know its only been 9 months but the lust/chemistry that was with my ex is nowhere close to this and its not just physical.. we have a very common strange sense of humor.. I am very picky when it comes to physical chemistry and I definatley like the way we treat each other.. its just that I possibly see her backing off in fear as she use to joke around with me and call me an "emotional wreck" and say stuff like "your ex messed you up" and at times she'd say if my ex came back, she'd understand if I went back because it was such a long relationship and if she really cared about me, we'd still be friends.. and I was so stupid to even say stuff like "the only thing I worry is if she comes chasing after me.." but I wouldn't say I would go back.. just fear of my ex reaching out to me and begging to come back even if she's the one who dumped me... I just shot myself in the foot..

Anyhow, I invited her and her sister and friend out to go snowboarding as a way to back off from here on a good note and we actually spent the whole day together in a positive relaxed way without really talking about what's left of us assuming she did read my email.. it was weird.. sort of like we got to start as friends and keep the intimacy low since we rushed it too fast in the beginning but I am really backing off and getting my life back and so is she.. I think if we can be strong about letting each other go for a bit but not too much and then pace ourselves, we can meet each other halfway a lot better.. she would still call me "babe" in front of her friends and I can see how she's trying her best to fight not being too close to me.. but it was like we knew we would support each other to make ourselves whole.. its like we both needed more ME time but we knew we were there for each other to become close to when needed.. I'm hoping we become really closer because we're no longer just interested in each other's bodies anymore and have a strong foundation as to why we really could be meant for each other.. as for my birthday, if she calls, she calls.. if she doesn't, then I got to accept and move on but I'm glad I left her on a good note... wish me luck.

[yesnomaybeso]

This is a great post. Everything seems so real and honest, plus there is faith, especially in a such a new short relationship. I like being hopeful and this turned out to be encouraging and helpful. Thanks!

By the way... I think that's the problem with what I am going through... we're both suffer from insecurities but know we want to be there for each other. The sex is great but the longing for each others comfort is better.

[Martian536]

Well.. I really hope she keeps believing in fate.. because when I first met her, this girl was a hopeless romantic.. she would say she always believes in fate when meeting someone new and she would twitter some unusual stuff like "its okay to let yourself get hurt and laugh about it later" as in she knew she was treading risky waters with me in the beginning but seems like she still deep down inside cares... so I hope we both really use this time to improve ourselves and bring the pace back when we're so much more confident with ourselves before with each other...

[Martian536]

Okay.. things did not work out as planned and I'm going no contact as of my birthday yesterday where she didn't even care anymore.. had the worst 2 weeks of holidays with this girls confusion.. she never read the email but I did tell her over the phone and she kind of understood but she's still firm on wanting her space.. I only have certain reasons as to why..

1.) The moment I acted like a father figure to her (her having no father) she pushed me away and became distant.. this made me even more clingy and smothering to try to win her back.. wrong move..
2.) She always had it in the back of her mind that she was 2nd best and that I was rebounding on her because I was an emotional wreck.. she would tease me this..
3.) She has her own deep seated personal problems and can't commit to an emotional relationship.. so she's probably just going to do the same thing to the next guy she sees until she sorts out her own problems.. Also ever since her best girlfriend broke her engagement, she's not as lonely as she seems.. now she has her party sidekick back in the market all over again where they can meet random guys and be promiscuous...


Now my question is, do people ever get back together even if when they first met, they were both an emotional wreck and incompatible due to the state of tehir well being at that time? I always told her "if you can handle me at my worse, you deserve me at my best..".. we obviously couldn't handle each other at both our worsts.. she had no job, had to care for her elderly mother who doesn't drive or speak english and lives alone with her, and I really think this girl may have borderline personality or bipolar disorder.. she changes her mind so much in one day its unbelievable.. makes me so confused.. and I think I'm really confusing the awesome intimacy/lust as true commitment/love..

[amicon]

Your question about getting back together is impossible to answer -anythings possible I suppose.
What you need to do now is heal from both breakups-a proper healing this time and put your focus back on you and getting your life back on track.
Stay away from relationships and emotional involvement until you've done this.
Be patient with yourself and let this take whatever time is needed.

[talaniman]

Now my question is, do people ever get back together

To have a healthy adult relationship, you must have two healthy adults. Get healthy, and then find another healthy adult.

and I think I'm really confusing the awesome intimacy/lust as true commitment/love..

You got that right, but your learning.

[Martian536]

Thanks you guys.. I always lacked PATIENCE and I can see what it did for me.. in a way, this new girl helped me get over the more devasting effects from the long term break... but it also made me realize that if I were to win any of them back or the 3rd girl to come by, I definitely have to be happy with myself and reek of pure confidence.. I just haven't been a SINGLE man for almost over the last decade.. guess single at 30 is better than nothing...

[amicon]

That's what you do now-concentrate on becoming a happy,single you.