[SouthernBelle06]

Hi.
I have a bit of a dilemma. I feel bad writing or even thinking about this but here goes:
I have been friends with my best friend for about 13 years. We are both just over 30 years old. My best friend has been divorced for about 2 years now and she has two kids that she has primary custody of. The kids are aged 3 (girl) and 7(boy). Her ex husband (the father of the children lives in a neighboring state and gets the kids every other weekend). I understand that my best friend is having a hard time with being alone (even though it was she who initiated and wanted her divorce), is working full time, barely making ends meet financially, etc. I feel for her problems. I really do. I don't have any children yet by choice (maybe want only one in the next few years) and am dating. Her daughter, the 3 year old, misbehaves terribly... talks back, hits, etc. The son used to be very hard to deal with but seems like a pretty good kid now.

My best friend and I are neighbors, both work full time Monday through Friday during the day, so can only really hang out in the evenings or weekends when her kids are home. Occasionally we hang out when her kids are out of state every other weekend with their father.

Don't get me wrong. I don't dislike children. I have two nieces about the same age that I adore, but I am at the point where I almost can't stand to be around my best friend and her children anymore and here's why. She constantly screams, yells, curses at, and occasionally smacks them. It makes me completely uncomfortable. She mocks them. If they spill something, she will scream, "Godd@*n it! I told you not to touch that! Get out of here before I beat the sh!t out of you!" Her kids will try to talk to her and she says, "Oh, shut up." She and I will be sitting on the couch talking and she screams at the top of her lungs at her son all the way in his bedroom, "Get in here now dammit!" It just is not pleasant to be around. I have a stressful job and sometimes just want to go over to my friend's house in the evenings and hang out and relax, but the screaming, cursing, yelling fests just make me sick to witness.

I feel sorry for her as I'm sure being a single parent is hard. Her own mother doesn't want to watch her kids for her because of the screaming tantrums the 3 year old daughter has. It's like my friend doesn't even enjoy being a parent at all because all she ever does is scream at them. I've tried to tell her politely that it isn't good for the children to hear all of that cursing and she says, "well, I can't help it. They make me so mad! They just push me and push me." I get the feeling she thinks I have no right to say anything because I am not yet a parent but it seems like she is verbally abusive to her children to me. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable.

I enjoy being around kids. My nieces can misbehave but I rarely if ever see my sister (their mother) scream at them. If she does need to correct them, she will take them in another room and scold them, which I think is respectful of the other people present. She doesn't yell and curse at them every second of the day and scream at them at the top of her lungs across the house with visitors present. Maybe she yells at them, but it's the exception rather than the constant rule. If I was at my sister's house in the evening, she and I could sit and talk and there is no constant yelling, screaming, and cursing at her kids going on. They just go in another room and play or watch TV.

Should I tell my best friend that I no longer want to hang out with her and her kids together? That I only want to hang out with her on the weekends that her kids are out of state with their father? I know it's rude, but that's how I am beginning to feel. Again, I don't have a problem with her children. Sure, they can be bratty sometimes and misbehave, but that's what kids do. The problem I have is with my FRIEND and HER screaming, yelling, and cursing at little kids and what an unpleasant environment that creates for everyone. Why did she even become a mother if this is how she was going to treat her kids? When she invites me over in the evenings, I have begun to look for excuses to say no. But since we are neighbors, if I was lying about what I am doing or going out that night and really wasn't, she would be able to see my car and any other cars there and would know I am lying. I don't want to seem like I am abandoning my friend who is going through a hard time, but I also don't need the stress of sitting in the middle of a war zone of screaming, yelling, and cursing.

Thanks for reading this and any advice would be appreciated : ) :(

[Meredith1978]

Help, it sounds like she is struggling quite a bit, and if you are as good of a friend as you say you are... you help.

There have been many times in my life that I needed assistance. Honestly when I went through my divorce, that I initiated I probably would've fell flat on my face if it wasn't for two friends (without children) didn't share that burden with me.

That is what a friend is for really.

The easiest way to get what you both want? Help her set up a consistent bedtime, and enforce it. With your help it should go smoother and you get your time with your friend and without the kids.

[Meredith1978]

Wow mornings are rough... if it wasn't for two friends that HAD shared the burden with me. Sorry on first cup of coffee :)

[Meredith1978]

This reminds me of me and my best friend so much... one more thing... the great thing about having a friend for that long is you can be honest. If she is not dealing with her kids in a good way, point it out. Be understanding but lay it out. She'll hear you I bet. I can say things to my best friend that would get someone else punched in the face, but she knows I love her and I wouldn't intentionally try to hurt her.

[SouthernBelle06]

Thanks for you replies. I have helped her with the children. I will sit at her house with them while she goes grocery shopping, etc. She has no problem getting her 7 year old boy in bed but the 3 year old will fight and fight to stay up late and that's another 2 hours of cursing and screaming from my friend. I know she is going through a hard time, but isn't there a better way to correct your children than screaming, "Godd@manit! If you don't get your a$$ in bed this minute, I'm going to beat the sh!t out of you!"? I mean, who wants to listen to that for 3 hours? I don't.

It makes me uncomfortable to hear a child being talked to like that. My friend doesn't talk to me that way or to anybody else that way (she did to her ex husband and fought with him so much I couldn't stand to be with the both of them). She hated her ex husband and says she sees qualities in her children that remind her of them and makes her even angrier at them. It's like she's taking her anger out on helpless children. Couldn't she at least tone it down in front of guests?

[Meredith1978]

You're not a guest right? Tell her, best friends get the added benefit of being able to call you out when you're screwing up right?

Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying the kids are your responsibility. But if you know she is doing it wrong, you might be able to help her before it escalates into something worse and it sounds like it is going that way.

Someone has to be the first to tell her she's messing up her kids, and personally I hope anyone of my friends would call me out on it if it was me. I've called mine out for that stuff.

The second part of that would make me punch her in the mouth but that is probably why she is your best friend and not mine ha ha.

If nothing else... if you can't do it, call social services or someone else who will. She needs to open her eyes.

[N0help4u]

I know so many girls like this. Most of them are teens and early twenties. They yell and curse at their little kids constantly and even smacking them around often only because they are in a bad mood and take it out on the kid(s). They also even tell the kids they hate them and wish they never even had them.
Sometimes telling them about it they tell you to stay out of their business. But if you can help and let her know that you are only helping to help defuse her anger at the kids.
Don't let her take advantage.
Don't continue to help if she keeps on being nasty to the kids.
Don't do things for her in attempts to keep her from taking things out on the kids. In other words let her figure out how to do things in another way than yelling and screaming. If you take over then she won't change for the better, just become more reliant on you.
Get her to realize that they will most likely grow up cursing and rebelling back against her and/or having low self esteem or bullying their friends. Get her to realize she needs to set an example and the fighting will only get worse if she keeps the attitude.

[kp2171]

Your instincts are correct.

This isn't right.

We can complicate it all we want to...

You are "right" to be put off by this... and personally, I think you need to stand your ground.

Your feelings are not negated because you are not a parent.

I feel for her and her position... but she is NOT doing right by her kids... period.

You can't save everyone... but you can stand your ground. A loving opinion sometimes is very hard to deliver or hear.

And I really think you only are acting out of care and love.

She needs to know it is not appropriate.

If that means she cannot be friends, fine. That is not a condition of "appropriate"...

[liz28]

Your friend needs a reality cheack. Be upset with her kids because she sees qualites in them that the father had is wrong. A mother should be loving and the daughter is reacted because of the mother ways.

It sounds like your friends might need counseling because she isn't over her past and parenting classes.

Screaming and curses at kids isn't going to do nothing but cause more problems. A hostile home makes a hostile child. She needs to learn how to be a parent and maybe her daughter behavior will change.