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opheliacgirl23 · Dec 15, 2008, 03:36 PM

All threads merged.

I know sex is not the most important thing in a relationship. Im 17 (please no comments on how young I am.. I had a serious year and a bit long relationship when I was 13/14 and have had enough crap situations with guys to know how to stand up for myself and know what I want to do etc and I know I am ready for sex) and have been with my current boyfriend for over a year now. He is the love of my life, I don't know what I would do without him. He has helped me through so much over the last year or so its unbelievable. He is sweet, caring and attractive, and he says the same about me, he says I'm beautiful. So why won't he make love to me? We are both virgins, and I am the 2nd girl he's ever done anything sexual with, but he didn't do a lot with his previous girlfriend as they were not together long. I myself was pressured into doing things when I was 13/14.. long story blahblah...

I have very low self esteem and self confidence issues, and he knows this. We used to do foreplay quite often, then it started getting a little less frequent, which was no big deal.. but now.. everytime I try and initiate anything he shrugs it off.. and however many times he's told me he wants to make love to me when it comes to it he won't. It makes me feel so unattractive and unwanted. I love him to pieces so I do not want to end the relationship. I also do not want to tell him in a way that will make him feel pressurised because I know from experience how horrible it feels.

How do I tell him how I feel without an argument and making him feel pressured? Please help.

450donn · Dec 15, 2008, 03:44 PM

He is afraid of getting you pregnant, he is self conscious of his manhood, he is self conscious about his inadequatecies in reference to exactly what to do? Pick one, any or all of them could fit.

opheliacgirl23 · Dec 15, 2008, 03:49 PM

Originally Posted by 450donn

He is afraid of getting you pregnant, he is self conscious of his manhood, he is self conscious about his inadequatecies in reference to exactly what to do? Pick one, any or all of them could fit.

Well we tried once... months ago now.. and he always insists he would use a condom which was a relief as I know some of my friends who have been with guys who have not used them. So it won't be the pregnant thing (although thanks for the suggestion)

The third seems more fitting.. but he tells me he's fine and he got over the fact that he "couldnt keep it up" the first time, obviously due to nerves etc.
Thanks for you reply. However I am still open for more

talaniman · Dec 15, 2008, 10:07 PM

You may be ready, but he is not. Don't take it personally, just try and understand him better, and be patient. This is something to talk over.

opheliacgirl23 · Dec 15, 2008, 11:02 PM

Talaniman - Thanks very much for your reply. I tried talking about it with him last night and he refused to. He said "I feel stupid cause everytime we have tried I ruin it"

We tried once, months ago, and he told me he was over what went wrong, several times. I just don tunderstand why he wouldn't tell me he's uncomfortable. :(

TrueFaith · Dec 15, 2008, 11:09 PM

Its hard for guys to open up

We are suppose to be the best at sex and have no fears when it comes to it.

But really deep down. We are all scared. Of a lot of things.

So don't take it to heart ;) just be there and understanding.

Trust me. Your support will mean more to him than you could ever know
And I speak from the heart on this one ;)

All the best chica

opheliacgirl23 · Dec 15, 2008, 11:12 PM

TrueFaith - Thanks for your reply

I am trying so hard to be supportive, just after a while it gets difficult because he won't open up. Im going to still be there for him though.. hopefully one day he will tell me =]

talaniman · Dec 15, 2008, 11:20 PM

Another thing guys won't do, is see a doctor. We need to just to be sure everything is okay, is he taking medication?

asking · Dec 15, 2008, 11:25 PM

He is not ready. Think how it would feel if you were not ready. Wouldn't you want him to be patient with you? He sounds like a really nice person. It may take him a while, so that might mean adopting a long- term kind of patience.

I don't think he really needs to tell you anything. It's fine for you both to grow up a bit more.

When will you both be 18?

opheliacgirl23 · Dec 15, 2008, 11:30 PM

TrueFaith-No he is not taking any medication

asking - He will be 18 in February, myself in July (im the youngen of the group :P). Just to clarify that where we live it is legal at 16. =] But I do understand, its just difficult to be patient. I have problems at home and college so its not helping my patience... and I have no vent, because I don't want to upset him talking about why it may seem I'm not as understanding as I am.

asking · Dec 15, 2008, 11:46 PM

I am not saying it's not normal for you to desire him. It is and I am sure he is flattered. But you are right in thinking that pressure will not help. It's a frustrating situation, I can believe, but you can be a loving girlfriend by not pressuring him yet. I think you should table this for now, and just try to assume in your mind you are not going to have sex in the foreseeable future. Many people wait until much later.

What kind of problems are you having at home and at school?

opheliacgirl23 · Dec 15, 2008, 11:51 PM

asking - I understand completely and thank you for your replies

Lots of stress, bullying teacher, parents spilt up then back together now all they do is argue and I get caught in the middle.. the stress mounts up and its at a point where I'm not sleeping, my blood pressure is so high I'm getting nose bleeds and I can't talk to my boyfriend because I don't want to upset him.

asking · Dec 16, 2008, 08:39 AM

This is BAD! You need an adult to help you get some peace. Do you have a relative you could go stay with while your parents find themselves? Or sometimes a friend's parents will take you in for a while.

Are there any friendly adults in your life you could at least talk to about this?

I agree that you need to vent. You are always welcome to vent here, but it would be good if you could find someone who could actually offer some help.

opheliacgirl23 · Dec 16, 2008, 11:30 AM

I have no other relatives over here to talk to.. and the only other adults apart from teachers I sometimes speak to are my boyfriends parents, but I don't speak to them enough to be able to vent if you get me.. they took me in for over a week a while back cz I got kicked out for telling parents to grow up :P but I will find a way =] I just need a way to tell my boyfriend that I do love him and that he can talk to me about this mental barrier he has whenever he wants without sounding pushy.. thats what I'm having trouble with

talaniman · Dec 16, 2008, 12:48 PM

So this isn't really about sex, but your lack of having honest expression.

That's what you tell you b/f, you need someone to talk to and vent, not jump his bones. Be honest and say you need a very good listener fast, make sure he knows to keep his mouth shut, and offer no solutions unless you ask for them.

opheliacgirl23 · Dec 16, 2008, 12:50 PM

Yeah.. he is a good listener.. one of his infinate positive traits! Just worried id upset him really

opheliacgirl23 · Apr 27, 2009, 03:20 PM

I have been with my boyfriend for nearly a year and a half now. I love him with all my heart and he is an incredible, intelligent, caring, gorgeous (and plenty more) person.

But help...

We have not yet had sex, which didn't bother me at first, but the last few months its really started to play on my mind... he always makes excuses for not doing anything.
We hardly go out, he seems to have lost his sparkle.. but sometimes he can be normal..

It doesn't feel like we are moving forward.. if any thing I am questionning myself (I have low self esteem/confidence because of behaviour of past guys in my life).. am I doing something wrong? Is it me? Does he still find me attractive?

Does he still love me?

I don't know what to do to make this relationship start moving again, but I don't know what to say to him to make this happen.. I'm not great when it comes to speaking my ideas and I don't want to hurt him by accident.

Help? :confused:
Thank you

p.s. I am not going to break up with him.. I could never see myself doing that.. unless nothing else in the universe works..

Alty · Apr 27, 2009, 03:38 PM

Is there a reason why you two haven't slept to gether yet? Does he want to wait for marriage or are there other reasons?

Not that there's anything wrong with waiting, but I'm wondering why after 1 1/2 years you two still haven't been intimate.

How old are you? How old is he? Is this his first serious relationship?

There could be so many reasons for this but they'd all be guesses.

I think it's time to express your concerns to him. It's best to talk about this stuff with each other, otherwise you'll drive yourself crazy trying to guess what's going on, thinking the worse when it could be something really simple and not at all a big deal. :)

opheliacgirl23 · Apr 27, 2009, 03:43 PM

He is 18, I turn 18 in July (where we live it is legal at 16 to have sex by the way :) )
For both of us it will be the first time for sex.
I have asked why we have not had sex before and all he can say is "I don't know, but it's not you"

Hes not a very.. open guy if you get me? Which is why it is difficult to ask him stuff sometimes.

Nestorian · Apr 27, 2009, 03:48 PM

Originally Posted by opheliacgirl23

He is 18, I turn 18 in July (where we live it is legal at 16 to have sex by the way :) )
For both of us it will be the first time for sex.
I have asked why we have not had sex before and all he can say is "I don't know, but it's not you"

Hes not a very..open guy if you get me? which is why it is difficult to ask him stuff sometimes.

MAybe talk to a counseler. He seems to be displaying odd behaviour, distancing himself from others, and such. See if he won't talk to you straight up, because if you can't be open and honest with your SO then how can you trust one another? For some one with self confidence issues, that's very very bed, or at least hard to deal with.

You have needs that need to be filled, so don't hesitat to let that be known, as you are apart of the relationship.

Good luck. Peace be with you.