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confused12345 · Oct 17, 2008, 11:38 AM

I have been dating this girl for about six months now. We started dating and got into things a little quick but knew that it was what we wanted and that we meant everything. She soon became my first love. We've talked about marriage and the rest of our lives together for about two months.
She had just come off a 3 year relationship with a guy and I knew this. After about four months she started to see him again and old memories and feelings were brought up again. Its now been about six months and she has come to the point where she is having trouble deciding who's she wants to be with. She says she loves me and does not have any regrets about anything within our relationship. However she still has a history with this other guy. She wants to spend some time with him to try and figure out if these feelings she is having for him are just old feelings and they are just friends or if she really loves him and wants to be with him.
I know this sounds a lot worse that it feels to me but I still have a problem with all of this. I think anybody in there right mind would. I still want to be with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her because I love her so much. I am willing to stick things out if that's what it takes in order to just have the chance that she will pick me and we WILL get to spend our lives together. I guess all I'm really asking from anybody who reads this is, do you have any advice? Maybe some past experience in a similar relationship would help, but I am just really confused and could use anything you have. Thanks

kctiger · Oct 17, 2008, 11:42 AM

Leave her... that is my advice. If I dated a girl that "started" to have feelings for her ex again, I would be out. No offense, but your six months cannot hold a candle to his three years. Get out of there and fast! If she comes back then it is your choice, but she is confused. I think you need to have some pride and tell her to piss off. She wants to spend some more time with him to make sure the feelings are real?? Are you kidding me? I would tell her to get lost... that's just me. I know you really like her but that is a bit selfish of her IMO. Good luck though!

TrueFaith · Oct 17, 2008, 12:04 PM

6 months is nothing remember that
3 years is a very long time

leave her man

the first time you should have left her was when she went to see the X

that shows she has no respect for you

and all this S#%# about Oh I don't know who I want. She knows who she wants it's the other guy and she is trying to let you down easy to stop her self from being guilty

bottom line she is seflish get rid of the kid
you was a re bound boyfriend sorry man

save your pride and tell her to jog on

best of luck

ZoeMarie · Oct 17, 2008, 12:11 PM

I agree with everyone here. Don't let her walk all over you. If she respected you at all she would have broken up with you so as not to waste your time while she figures out what she wants. You deserve better.

JBeaucaire · Oct 17, 2008, 12:17 PM

I won't just blast "leave her" at you, I know it's not that simple to you. But I will point out some basics.

You didn't just start going out with this girl. Six months is PLENTY of time to really start to know someone. In fact, six months is when the "normal" behavior should be kicking in.

So normal for her while dating you appears to be thinking of him. That's not good.

Given the chance, SOME GIRL out there would be starting to think of you in an obsessive, sacrificial way about the six-month mark. It's not going to be this girl. She's dated you and gotten comfortable around you and now chooses to look elsewhere.

In truth, this isn't about her pining after her ex. It is about her NOT being attracted to you strong enough to suppress her fantasy life of other men, exes or whatever.

This is good information to have, if you pay attention to it. Don't you think?

Even if she blows the ex off and "comes back to you"... you're still getting back a girl who is only sort of interested in you. I'm sure that's not your goal in life... have some girl who'll "settle" on being with you?

I hope not, as I said, given the chance, there's a girl out there who would be getting stronger and stronger attachment to you six months in... not weaker.

Food for thought. Sure, you can wait on this girl, but in my opinion this is like standing in a LOOOOONG line for oatmeal when there's steak out there elsewhere.

ZoeMarie · Oct 17, 2008, 12:29 PM

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Even if she blows the ex off and "comes back to you"...you're still getting back a girl who is only sort of interested in you. I'm sure that's not your goal in life...have some girl who'll "settle" on being with you?

Exactly my thoughts. Really good advice.

imzz46 · Oct 17, 2008, 05:59 PM

You need to have someone in your life who loves you and only you. Someone who feels so lucky to have you because of the person that you are. This girl does not deserve you if she is thinking about someone else. Although it is difficult to leave someone you love, you really deserve better. You deserve someone who loves you as much as you love them. Don't accept anything less.

Good luck with it!

Tatewari · Oct 17, 2008, 06:21 PM

It seems to be you are the Band Aid man. When somebody comes from a long relationship, and you get involved with somebody really quick, you didn't have time to heal all the wounds of a breakup. She is using you, without meaning it. Probably you are a really great guy, that's why she tried to be with you, but she's not done with her ex yet. I will leave her, without waiting for her to have her heart clear. While you a re around, she won't be able to get anywhere.
Take care, you'll find true love!

talaniman · Oct 17, 2008, 07:45 PM

However she still has a history with this other guy. She wants to spend some time with him to try and figure out if these feelings she is having for him are just old feelings and they are just friends or if she really loves him and wants to be with him.

As eloquently as JB pointed out the flaws in her character, I'm old school and will just tell you that a female that runs that kind of BS, would never see me again.

I know this sounds a lot worse that it feels to me but i still have a problem with all of this. I think anybody in there right mind would. I still want to be with her and want to spend the rest of my life with her because I love her so much. I am willing to stick things out if thats what it takes in order to just have the chance that she will pick me

This does explain why your being dufus about this, as your having false hope, about some future together that honestly is not realistic given her feelings.

want to spend the rest of my life with her because I love her so much.

Ain't that much love in the world to allow yourself to be used as an emotional band aid, and back up plan to someone... anyone.

You really need to love yourself more, and not be treated this way. She is not ready for what you want, and may never be.

At least she told you up front, now what you do about it is up to you.

Rebound relationships very rarely work, and thats what you seem to be in, sorry.

ylaira · Oct 17, 2008, 10:18 PM

She wasn't given enough time to heal until you came. As you said things got quick. Sticking around won't make her decide to pick you unless you've done something mind blowing, you know what I mean?

Keep a distance. Big distance She will pick if you if she will provided that 3 years is enough telling time to call it. However it sounds to all of us that she's still choosing him if not, she'll try to not see him again and ever talking to him.

Objet trouves · Oct 17, 2008, 11:55 PM

I would agree with everything above except that I know a couple who have been happily married for ten years and have three children together who had a very similar beginning to yours. He let her travel overseas and meet up with an ex so that she could make her decision, and she chose him.

It's a big call though. You have to be sure that you're up for it, and maybe try and so something positive for your own development while she is away making up her mind. The guy in my story went abroad for a while to study while she was off with her ex. That way, he also had the opportunity to reflect, and had something else to occupy him other than pining after her.

The truth is: life is messy, break ups are hard, and a good relationship is about negotiating the fine balance between space and togetherness. I've given you one example of a couple who tried it where it worked out, there are probably many stories others could tell where it didn't. This certainly is a gray area of your relationship. Only try it if you could accept her decision either way.

kloey13 · Oct 23, 2008, 01:32 PM

I agree with KCTIger. I would leave her. If she is with you... then she should be focused on just you.

liz28 · Oct 23, 2008, 03:48 PM

Don't let her confusion becomes yours. She wants you to give her six months to be with her ex to see how things works out with him and if it does it' bye-bye to you but if it doesn't she can come running back to you. Never be someone who can't fully give themselve to you because it's a receipe for a broken heart. The only thing you can do is wish her well with this guy and heal yourself and learn from this. There is more fishes in the sea and sometimes when you catch one you have to throw it back into the sea.