[R08]

I'm going to try telling a long story in a short space here. This woman started working in the same office and from "Hi" there was an instant connection. Over a few weeks we would bump into each other every now and then and I'd start up small talk to get a feel for her. Then we had a work party in which I took the opportunity to sit and talk to her and we totally hit it off. The only drawback I could see is that she had just left her b/f of 7 years about 2 weeks prior. I do realize I came along too soon, but everything felt too right. One thing we laid out in the beginning was openness, honesty and to talk about anything and everything on our minds. We went from chatting to talking to hanging out and dating. Then one glorious night she calls me saying that she's tired of over thinking things, she's going with what she feels is the right thing, there's totally a connection and she wants to make things official and be my g/f. From here nothing really changed other than we both had complete confidence in each other that there was no one else and we didn't feel the need to hold back growing emotions. In fact we were discussing how we feel about each other and neither of us could express how deeply we felt without using the word love.

Then one night she drops the bomb on me. She tells me that she's freaking out that things are moving too fast and feelings have become too deep to fast. That although she's done with her ex (for the purposes of this message let's say she has very good reasons to be done with him and despises him for things he's done) after 7 years there's unfinished business that needs to be taken care of b/f she can totally give herself to me. That she's spending all of her time on me instead of herself (she moved here to get away from everything and start her life over and find who she is and what she wants out of life) and she needs to be able to find herself and be whole so she can give herself to me completely. She looks me in the eyes saying these things as well as things like "You have nothing to worry about. You're still my man and i'm still your woman, just we need to step back a little". "I don't want a relationship with anyone right now, but you are the only man I want". Things will mostly be the same just you'll be my "special friend", best friend with occasional benefits. I fight for our relationship until I realize I will not win the argument because she's made her decision and that it actually makes sense.

We hang out a few days later and things are amazingly still just the same. Over the next few weeks, other than we talk less and hang out less, things are the same. Now her ex comes into town. When she moved here the original plan was for him to move here later and his name is on the lease. Because of this she's afraid that he will freak out and kick her out if he finds out us being involved with each other. She has very bad credit and would not be able to get a loan or have a place in her name if this happens. I understand the situation and that I can't see, talk to, text or whatever with her for a few days. This sucks and makes me feel jealous in that I'm still deeply attached to her and just don't like the idea of her ex staying there and taking her out all weekend, but I knew the situation when I first got involved so what can I do that will not cost her a place to live? So he's in for the weekend and then leaves. She now tells me that things are more confusing and weirder than ever. That he was actually for the first time in 7 years a nice and respectful guy and she found there are still feelings for him. She still despises him but good feelings are now there as well. We talk about things and I tell her I still have no problem waiting for her as she would totally be worth it, but now if there's going to be another guy involved I can't wait. She understands and that's fair, but she still has feelings for me too and doesn't want to lose me. She says that she'd like to tell me to run far away as fast as I can so I don't get hurt, but she can't because she still wants me. I tell her how I feel and how deeply. I tell her I want her more than anything, but overall I want her to be happy. I tell her there's nothing more I can say and from this point on all I can do is be me and show her I mean what I've said. I told her I will give her the time and space to figure things out, but do not string me along. If things take a turn where there simply is no more us... bluntly tell me so I can move on.

Still every time I see her at work she lights up, smiles her true smile and is excited to talk to me. When we talk on the phone things are still the same. I went to pick her up the other day and take her out, but she was still recovering from a virus and dental surgery. I put off taking her out and just hung out at her place. Ran some errands for her, helped her bake a cake, and took care of her. Everything between us seems the same as usual.

The perspective I have on this issue is to talk to her when I talk to her, see her when I see her. And when we talk and see each other not to bring up anything about us or relationship stuff. Give her some distance, time and space to do her thing and wait for her to figure it out. What I really wanted to do b/f coming to this perspective was to put her on the spot with a yes or no question of does she want me, but I realized that from her this would be an attack and would put her on the defensive and she'd say no. I'd then lose her for good.

So here are my problems and question. There's no telling how long it will take her to figure things out and in the meantime I feel like I'm going insane wanting her. I'm the kind of guy who's either all in or all out. I'm not familiar with all this in between stuff and I don't like it. I can foresee a point where I will not be able to take it anymore and have to present her with the ultimatum, although not now or very soon. I graduate school in 2.5 months and will need to start thinking of decisions and paths to take for my career. I will need to know at this point whether we are going to be together or not. Is it fair for both of us if I talk to her and tell her I can wait around and give her until I graduate to be able to figure out whether she's ready for a relationship and if she wants one with me?

[COOKIE MONSTER]

to right it is,your giving her more time than most would,I would have asked the do you want me or not question n moved on if it was no even if I did put her on the spot.
its not fair to keep you waiting and her x staying with her not the best thing to make you trust her were is he sleeping?? On the sofa I'm sorry to say but YEAH RIGHT!
I wouldn't let my boyfriends x stay at his house noway would I,don't get me wrong I trust him but theirs always the little voice in your head saying '' their at it'' ''must be up to something'' ''weres she sleeping'' ''they was together 8years ''ect

I understand about his name being on the lease but its still not right

[R08]

As confused and conflicted as she is right now, to put her on the spot and back her into a corner b/f she's had time to sort through some things would not be the right thing to do. Pressure is not what she needs right now. As far as the ex staying there. I've gotten to know this woman and fully trust her. Besides, she had just started her cycle 2 weeks late and ended a pregnancy scare only 2 days b/f he got here. I know she doesn't want sex for a while after that scare and it was her time of the month. She tells me he slept on the couch I believe her as she has never lied to me b/f and no matter how much something may hurt we've always stepped up to be bold and truthfully tell each other what's going on.

The problem is that it's not as simple as choosing b/t him or me. She doesn't want a relationship with anyone right now until she can figure out some things about herself. It's that even though I'm willing to wait for her to figure things out and give distance, time, and space to her... now that she has some feelings for her ex things aren't so much cut and dry of waiting for her. I love this woman and wanting her to be happy is the only thing I want more than her. My choices are to confront her into a decision that will end badly, continue waiting for her for an indefinite amount of time knowing there's feelings for the ex, put a time limit on how long I can wait (after sleeping on it doesn't seem like a good idea as pressure is not what she needs), or simply move on and hope that when she does figure things out she still wants me.

[JBeaucaire]

"I love you and want you and am ready to move things to the next level with us. You're not. I get that. I can't predict what will happen in the meantime, so let me know when you're ready. If I'm still available, we'll give it a go. No promises, but that's fair. Agreed?"

Regardless of whether she agrees or not, get on with your life after that discussion.