[lodlad]

Ok, Ill try keep this as short as possible.

I met my guy just over 4 yrs ago. I felt like id hit the jackpot. He was cute, kind, caring and a great lover. After only 6 short months I aksed him to marry me. Everything was perfect. I knew everything about him. Including a past boyfriend accusing him of cheating, 3somes... but I was trusting and saw how a situation could have looked bad and believed that the accusations of cheating were false. And the 3somes? What ever, people do silly things. Not something I would do, but anyway!

It was shortly after we got engaged that he freaked out on me. He has an issue with drinking as his mother was an alco, so when I spoke to him on the phone after having a few drinks he fliped out and asked why he shouldn't leave me. On this subject I was very respectful. I don't drink very often, and never get "fall down drunk" so felt his dramatic question was uncalled for.

The next day I was venting to his step mom about what had happened. My thoughts about him, and my whole world changed!

While venting I asked "do you think he has or could ever cheat" her reply set off a 3 month war between us. I spoke to people she told me too, none of them had nice things to say. 3 exs said he had cheated on them, he wasn't to be trusted, he was manipulative... Based on everything he had told me before this about 3somes, the cheating accusation, f'buddies... it painted a very grim picture.

The issue wasn't about anything that happened in our relationship, but was about him and his personality, habits and character (real or perceived)

I nearly left as this fantastic guy I was with was starting to look like a monster. But I stayed. Trust was broken. Not because of anything he actually did to me... but he changed stories, used lying avoidance...

It took me nearly a year to get to a point of trusting him again. I wasn't checking his emails, myspace or Facebook and we were doing OK. Until...

I was away with work. He started asking me strange questions about where our relationship was going and asked them with urgency. I said that I didn't know what our future was going to be, and couldn't promise anything. He had been neglecting me, not answering my calls, I was under allot of stress with work so out of anger said I didn't know if I wanted to be with him. Hed pushed my buttons so hard! A few days later I returned home. About a week later I was due to head off for 4 days again. The whole week I was home he made NO efforts. I started wondering if the reason was because hed emotionally detached from me and maybe had someone else!

I went away, and the first day I got to my hotel he started saying he didn't know what he wanted, wasn't sure if he wanted this anymore... so after a week and a half of crap I said we were over. Within a couple of hours I text to say I loved him and that he had just angered me. He ignored me the whole 4 days.

I came home. He wasn't the same. Acted shadey... would come home from work late... Then I started seeing things.

A guys initials were on our bathroom mirror. I knew who it was because he had been commenting on by bf's Facebook page. I asked who he was and his changing of the subject set off alarm bells.

A few weeks later, the day before I was to go off to work again for several weeks I find texts that my boyfriend had typed out on his computer from this guy.

"If id have know it was the last kiss....."
"Ive given you space and you still dont know what you want"

That's when I knew that my boyfriend had had involvement with the guy who's initials were on the mirror.

Just a quick side note here... I found this guys number on my bfs computer so text him to tell him how much I disliked him. Turned out it was actually his old number... that his boyfriend now used! OOpps. So now he is involved! BIG MESS!!

Ill list the evidence here, then put his explination below:

# The first texts I found about the last kiss
Bfs response: I kissed him like id kiss my dad it was nothing

# within hours of me "breaking up" with him, my boyfriend went to the beach with this guy.
Bfs response: While driving I felt it was wrong, and that I needed to work things out with you. We were only there about 20 minutes, then I dropped him off and came home.

# the guys boyfriend described my bfs penis
Bfs response:We talked about sex and he asked how big I was... so I described it

# the guy was able to describe things like lube etc...
Bfs response:he could have looked in the bathroom cupboard

# there were photos on his computer of them in our room alone with the door closed.
Bfs response: he wanted to see the animals

# I had access to all his emails, Facebook and myspace. The guy told me to ask my boyfriend about the secret Gmail account (I had completely forgotten about this)
Bfs response: he was intense and I didn't want you seeing the emails

[After hearing this I asked him about the gmail account and asked him to login. He did. But while wating for it, he started pacing saying "its over, its over"]

# The guys boyfriend sent me the sim card with texts on it from my boyfriend. Things like "Come what may, i will love you until my dying day" were on there.
Bfs response: I felt I had to play his game to make him stop.

My bfs story was that this guy told him he loved him. I was being mean to him and he got confused. The guy was intense and would get angry, then OK... back and forwards. He never did anything with him!

There were several other people involved. I saw Facebook messages between a mutual friend of theirs and the guy. From what she said, she knew everything and wanted to tell me about everything but it wasn't her place. Said she knew it would come out and that my boyfriend was lying to me to try and save the relationship.

This was 100 times harder to get over than the previous thing. This time it wasn't about his past, or exs. It was with me. So everything from before came flooding back. I was thinking about everything and because majorly depressed. But again I stayed. What if what he told me was true and it was completely innocent. Id be leaving this guy who was my everything because of some guy who threw a spanner in the works and a girl who just said what ever to calm the other guy down.

It was a hard year. But I tried. Then... 6 months later. He made a new friend. It was like a "sandbox" friendship. They were "best friends" whod only known each other for a week. I didn't like it and expressed my concern, and reminded him that it was only 6 months prior that a "friend" had tried breaking us up (assuming my bfs story was true). When this guy came over I stayed in the room, and didn't talk to him. But felt it was wrong of me to be mean to someone because of what someone else had done. So gave him the benefit of the doubt and talked to him.

A few weeks later my boyfriend asked me what I thought about this guy moving in. I said NO WAY! He ignored me and had him move in anyway. Only a week before I was due to go off for work again. This time for 3 months. But a month after I left I knew our other housemate was moving out. So it would have been my boyfriend and this guy in the house ALONE!

I wasn't happy. And was concerned with how fast they had become friends. I heard a voicemail on my bfs phone from this guy that sounded like it was a little more than friendly judging by the tone of his voice "Ohhhh.... I miss you"...

Went off to work. Came home 3 months later only to find a VERY wiered tension between them. This guy was talking to my boyfriend like he hated him. Was ignoring him. That's when the "Here we go again" thing went off in my head. But apparently it was because the guy didn't like me and told my boyfriend he shouldn't be with me. I left it and felt it could be plausible... Until 5 days before he was due to move out.

I asked why they had fallen out... his story... my boyfriend had manipulated him and they had sex in our bed. Then a while later he saw another guy in our bedroom which was when he "saw what he was like" and pulled away.

My issue was that what he was saying, could have totally been true. Based on the friendship breakdown I saw when I returned home. It was blatantly obvious something wasn't right! My boyfriend being nice as pie to this guy, the guy talking to him like he hated him... it didn't make sense. If my boyfriend pulled away because of what he said about me being a bad person... why was he being so nice to him, and the guy being so short and mean to my boyfriend!

Im not 100% convinced that this guy was telling the truth. He said they used a condom. But because I didn't trust my boyfriend nor like the friendship he had with this guy he FORCED into the house, I counted ours before I left. And distinctly remember my sense of relief 3 months later when I counted them and they were all still there.

But eveyday is a struggle. Either story, for every story could be true.

I look at him and the way he is with other people, kids and animals and could not imagine him being that way. But I also look at his 15 year history of cheating allagations, and failed relationships and have to ask myself why!

He is very giving, caring and nieve. But I often wonder if he uses this façade to hide who he really is, and what he's about.

On the one hand the last 15 years could have been pure misunderstandings and paranoia from previous boyfriends that carried through to the next...

Or the reason this stuff has been coming up for all these years is because he's a lying cheating , who is so good at what he does, he forgets and considers himself a saint who wouldn't hurt a fly.

Every day I ask myself the question. Who are you? Jekyll or hyde?

[positiveparent]

Well you certainly have got some problems, I can't help thinking though that instead of listening to other people and all the rumours, you really should be talking to your b/f about all of this.

I never take notice of what people may tell me about another person, because that's exactly where rumours start.

Always go to the person you're concerned about, don't base your opinions on other people or what they're saying, if you have doubts then talk to the b /f.

His past is his business, however yes his present is connected with you.

You really need to talk to your b/f about all of this, I know you say you've talked to him before and he explains away these things.

Perhaps he is being honest.

I think your best way of finding out about the allegations of him having slept with a man should have been asked in front of the other person, where you've asked him after or alone he's has a chance to lie about it, if indeed it is lies, although I agree it does look suspect.

I don't think your b/f is going to confess when he can get his way out of something, however if you confront him with another person involved being there then you just might get to the bottom of it all.

You need to decide are you staying or going, and if you stay then you'll need to learn to put the past behind you, and trust your b/f if you can't trust him then I would say you'll be better off cutting loose.

I agree though with what you've said you've come across about his involvement with other people its looking decidedly like he's been cheating and often at that.

Good luck.

[lodlad]

Hey pp,

I have spoken to him hundreds of times. Even when I try to view it from his perspective. Trying to help him by pointing out that by him being so nice to people and trusting them and giving them his all can open him up as he could lead people on, make them think he likes them (which I know has happened before).

Thing is. I know he changes stories and will say things to get out of a sticky spot. Which is why I have actually spoken to the people involved to try and find out who's story is true.

The last thing that came out only a few weeks ago... He actually said In front of my boyfriend and I "we had sex in your bed"... That doesn't mean it's true really, but yes. I talked to both of them in front of each other. My boyfriend did stumble for words which made him look a little guilty. But I also tried to understand the shock of someone saying that who you thought was a friend as a reason why he fumbled his sentances.

I'm still trying and after I get back from work he said he'll pay for therapy for us to help trust and heal us. But it's really hard. How can someone have years and years of pure misunderstandings? Is he really that dumb and stupid to not try and change? I've never seen anything like it! So much drama!


Ps... I'm 28 and he's 30. So he's not a child! Though he acts like it sometimes!

[ZoeMarie]

After reading your post, all the excuses he came up with, added to the fact that it really sounds like you don't trust him I would say walk away. If he's in a relationship with you he shouldn't be talking to another person about his penis. How is that OK?

[positiveparent]

Having read your response above, I wouldn't like to say really, I agree with ZoeMarie, to talk about his penis, doesn't seem right, he's either lied to you from day one or he's being misunderstood.

Then again males have been known to discuss their nether regions but usually they're in they're teens.

I accept it looks bad but really you have to go with that little voice in your head, that usually tells us the truth or points us in the right direction.

You could try therapy maybe that will work.

However can you see yourself living your life or the length of this relationship and never wondering, did he didn't he.

It's a tricky call I know that and one only you and he can sort if indeed it can be sorted.

Bottom line is Do YOU believe these rumours allegations or him...

It might be that he's a pathological liar, and that can be cured, then again that doesn't excuse him if he's been cheating on you. However the therapy may help him come to terms with this and who knows he might change.

[lodlad]

I know he loves me, and everything else is great. Sex is kind of a sore subject because without trust you can't gaze lovingly into someone's eyes without wondering if his eyes have gazed into anothers...

I love being with him. We laugh. And even now after 4 yrs. We always shower together and talk about "stuff". Our friendship is fantastic. Its just the other stuff.

Regardless of the details and the he said, she said... its my own gut feelings that I had during the last 2 situations I can't shake. I felt something was wrong. And then SOMETHING came out. The last one I'm not so sure about anymore. Maybe I felt something because the thing before it made me paranoid... but regardless. I felt something wasn't right then the guy said "We had sex in your bed".

Just sucks I can't say for certain if its true or not. Id like to believe he's faithfiul and last years episode trully was a misunderstanding. He befriended a crazy guy who manipulated him, had him confused...

Just my gut tells me that he knows what he's doing, and that things did happen. To what ever degree.

Hes on his last chance. But the sad thing is. I know something will happen again.

So many times there have been guys over while I'm gone who I've never heard of, never met... and to this day have still never met, nor heard of since.

I just hate the thought that I'm staying here with people laughing at me behind my back and I'm sticking up for him and defending him... helping him cheat on me.

I sometimes feel that leaving would be the best answer. Even if he is telling the truth. Either way I wouldn't have to deal with it anymore. Ive had so many sleepless nights, anxiety attacks and weight loss because of the stress it causes!

Just wish I knew for certain!

[talaniman]

Well I think you have had enough of a preview of what life will be with this guy, and its sounds like one whale of a soap opera, therapy or not.

Just me, forget the drama, and get some dull old fashion quiet easy to love and be loved guy to share your life with.