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minaeve25 · May 29, 2009, 07:28 AM

Hi. I really need some advice. I've been married for 6 years, unhappy for about 5.
We met when I was dating his best friend whom I have a child with. I was 17, he was 18. We immediately had feelings for each other but denied them because I was with his best friend. 3 yrs passed, I thgt about him all the time. We met again after my daughters father and I split and we began a relationship. 3months later I was pregnant. I thought this man was my prince charming and since I was pregnant, we got married. I realize now this was a mistake. We were happy for about a year. I thought everything was perfect. Then I found out he was cheating on me. I tried to leave him that day but my family and his family talked me into staying with him. Since that moment I have been unhappy. For a long time I didn't trust him. Now I still don't fully trust him but I honestly don't care. If he cheated on me, it wouldn't bother me one bit. Sometimes I wish he would cheat and we could just end things. I'm a stay at home mom. I bartend part time though and when I work, I'm happy. When I'm away from him, I'm happy. Sitting in this house all day, I'm miserable! When he comes home from work, I'm miserable! He has a horrible temper. In the last 3 years we've had 3 or 4 violent fights. My kids have seen him smack me so hard that I've hit the floor. He's called me horrible swear words in front of them too. Now I haven't been 100 percent inocent, I have a mouth sometimes its hard to keep it shut. Also when he hits, I feel the need to defend myself sometimes and that makes it worse. I've tried calling the cops when this happens but he prevents me from getting to the phone. By the time I can call them I end up feeling like it was my fault plus I don't want to send him to jail. I told him that I don't love him anymore and want a separation about 6 months ago. He was upset but finally agreed to look for a place. Then he did nothing, for 6 months. I just a couple of days ago asked him again. He played cool and said OK just give him more time, then when we were driving from the movie store we started arguing and he flipped! He pulled into a public parking lot and wanted to have a fight right there! He took my cell phone and threatened to smash it (my only connection to outside help)! He said if I leave him he will make my life a living hell. It took me 30 minutes to get him to give me the car keys (it was my dads truck). I drove to my moms and told her I needed to stay with her. She said no... lol she said she was going to talk to him. I pleaded her not to because I knew it would do nothing but make things worse for me. She did anyway. He was really mad and she made me go with him anyway. Luckily that night turned out OK but I was frightened to go with him. Actually I'm almost always afraid to be alone with him. He's a different person when he gets mad and he's different alone with me. Its like he puts on a show outside the house and everyone thinks he's such a great guy. This week he's been sleeping on the couch. I hope its because he's finally realizing he's got to change. I really want a divorce but I'm scared I can't take care of myself and the kids alone. Although right now we live in poverty anyway. By poverty I mean food stamps, no car, we live in a trailer and can barely make ends meet. I told him its either divorce or marriage counceling. Keep in mind I've been trying to get him to go to counceling for 5yrs! He says he will now but I'm not sure if he actually will.
Bottom line is I don't love him, hate being around him, don't even think counceling will do anything. I don't think I could ever love him or any man again. What should I do?
I feel so alone and everday I wake up and wish I didn't have to. I have this pit feeling in my stomach unless I'm away from home and him which isn't very often. I hate my life so much but I feel that I made my bed now I'm destined to lie in it forever. I feel like I'll never be free of him and I'll never be happy. I've made so many mistakes in my 27 yrs of life. I should have got a career before I had kids and now I feel so stuck. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past but how do I move forward?
Please help me.

tickle · May 29, 2009, 07:49 AM

Originally Posted by minaeve25

.
. I've made so many mistakes in my 27 yrs of life. I should have got a career before I had kids and now I feel so stuck. I know I shouldn't dwell on the past but how do I move forward?
Please help me.

We can't help you, but you can help yourself by getting a grip, sitting down and talking it out with him, exploring both your options and if that fails, well, you leave him take the kids and find a lawyer.

Tick

Justwantfair · May 29, 2009, 07:57 AM

If you want out it's time to stop waiting for him to leave and pack up your stuff and got to a domestic violence shelter.

You are expecting that he will leave and he isn't showing that he will. If you really want out then leave and file for divorce. The judge can decide who stays in the house and who goes.

88sunflower · May 29, 2009, 08:28 AM

Just go. Why are you waiting on him. Your already on welfare, talk to them and tell them your leaving and will need more help. Take him for support. Take the kids and go to a shelter until you get get more help and on your own. Just do it. Your sitting and waiting for him to leave and having pity on yourself for it. Why bring yourself down anymore. Just take your kids and go. Do you want this to be the lifestyle your kids will grow in to and live themselves possibly. Is this the role model you want to be for them. If anything do it for your children. This is not healthy for them to see or feel. Make a plan of action and do it. Your waiting on him to leave and he isn't going to leave. Simple as that.

minaeve25 · May 29, 2009, 09:21 AM

Thanks so much for answering. My friends tell me to go to a shelter too. Does it make a difference that the violence is rare? Last time it happened was a year ago next month. Does that make any difference?
It seems as simple as sitting down and talking to him, figuring out our options but u don't know him. You cannot reason with this man. He will get in my face and start screaming if I don't agree with him. He sees things 1 way, his way, I'm wrong, he's right. I have tried to talk to him about a simple separation so many times. I'm coming to the conclusion no matter what I do it won't be simple or easy and I just need to accept that and tough it out.
I am as scared to go to a shelter as I am to stay with him. I know you think I'm just making excuses maybe I am but what I'm really doing is trying to figure out my best options. My family thinks I should stay with him. They know my story and still think because we're married I should stay with him. I thnk its because they don't know what he's really like. I'm not supposed to care what other people think, I know, but my family?? Does anyone think I should even bother with counceling before I go to a shelter? Thanks for your help.

Justwantfair · May 29, 2009, 09:35 AM

Originally Posted by minaeve25

Thanks so much for answering. My friends tell me to go to a shelter too. Does it make a difference that the violence is rare? Last time it happened was a year ago next month. Does that make any difference?
It seems as simple as sitting down and talking to him, figuring out our options but u don't know him. You cannot reason with this man. He will get in my face and start screaming if I don't agree with him. He sees things 1 way, his way, I'm wrong, he's right. I have tried to talk to him about a simple seperation so many times. I'm coming to the conclusion no matter what I do it won't be simple or easy and I just need to accept that and tough it out.
I am as scared to go to a shelter as I am to stay with him. I know you think I'm just making excuses maybe I am but what I'm really doing is trying to figure out my best options. My family thinks I should stay with him. They know my story and still think because we're married I should stay with him. I thnk its because they don't know what he's really like. I'm not supposed to care what other people think, I know, but my family??? Does anyone think I should even bother with counceling before I go to a shelter? Thanks for your help.

All signs of an abusive relationship - abuse isn't only about violence.

Originally Posted by minaeve25

I should even bother with counceling

You have been trying counseling, you will not be able to save your marriage on your own.

Marriage is about two people working together. Counseling will not benefit if only one person is stepping up to make the effort.

lighterrr · May 29, 2009, 09:40 AM

Originally Posted by minaeve25

Thanks so much for answering. My friends tell me to go to a shelter too. Does it make a difference that the violence is rare? Last time it happened was a year ago next month. Does that make any difference?
It seems as simple as sitting down and talking to him, figuring out our options but u don't know him. You cannot reason with this man. He will get in my face and start screaming if I don't agree with him. He sees things 1 way, his way, I'm wrong, he's right. I have tried to talk to him about a simple seperation so many times. I'm coming to the conclusion no matter what I do it won't be simple or easy and I just need to accept that and tough it out.
I am as scared to go to a shelter as I am to stay with him. I know you think I'm just making excuses maybe I am but what I'm really doing is trying to figure out my best options. My family thinks I should stay with him. They know my story and still think because we're married I should stay with him. I thnk its because they don't know what he's really like. I'm not supposed to care what other people think, I know, but my family??? Does anyone think I should even bother with counceling before I go to a shelter? Thanks for your help.

ONE ACT OF VIOLENCE IS Too much, leave this man and take your children with you, surely your kids are suffering from the breakdown of this marriage and deserve a VIOLENCE FREE HOME.

Jake2008 · May 29, 2009, 02:16 PM

There are shelters for women and children that are safe. They offer all you need to figure out what you have to do to provide the basics of life for yourself, and your kids. That's what they do.

They don't negotiate with your husband, or ask his permission. They provide you space to regain your own independence, power, and self-esteem.

With the violence, regardless of how many times, what kind, or how often, your children are in an environment that is emotionally unhealthy, and will eventually cripple their development.

You can do much better for yourself, if you choose to. To be among other women and learn from them, and come up with concrete plans and goals is not beyond your capabilities. Many have accomplished this before you, and many will after.

I highly doubt that counselling will benefit your marriage at this point in time. Perhaps once you have established a life for yourself and your children, then you can seek counselling for the two of you, if you so choose to rekindle a possible relationship that might not involve violence and control. But, from a distance, under your own steam.

If you choose to stay, I think you've made it quite clear what your future will likely be.

lucytwo2 · Jun 4, 2009, 03:18 PM

If your alone all day at home then call the domestic hotline.They will help you.Try and get a few dollars to have on you and make your plans to leave this loser.You can take your kids with you to a shelter that's safe and he won't know where you are.You'll be able to stay there and they can help with you getting a fulltime job and child care.Who knows you could meet someone in the shelter(female)thats in the same boat you are.Sometimes it doesn't hurt to have a roommate because there would always be someone there for you to talk to and you wouldn't have to be afraid to be alone.All in all you do need to get away from him and then don't forget to go to court for child support from both of these guys.That should help you out a lot.

Gemini54 · Jun 5, 2009, 12:08 AM

Why would you choose to stay?

He cheats on you.
He abuses you verbally and physically.
He threatens you.
You fight in front of your children.
You are afraid of him.
You don't like or love him.
You're both miserable and deeply unhappy.

Of course you're feeling trapped. He has scared and disempowered you, so that you now believe you won't cope in the world without him.

Take the advice of the other posters and contact a women's refuge. These organizations are used to dealing with situations like yours and will be able to protect you and advise you.

Surely the thought of leaving and starting your own life, with the opportunity to be happy, can't be worse than what you're going through now?

Make the choice - you know you want to.

Rich11111 · Jun 5, 2009, 04:12 AM

Marriage counseling is for married people who are having problems, but still love each other. You have said you no longer love him, and you don't see that love coming back, so it would be useless.

Jake2008 · Jun 5, 2009, 08:17 AM

Part of the problem is that, while you may understand and accept your life as it is, you do not know what 'healthy' means because you've not had a healthy relationship.

If the jump from him to a shelter is too drastic for you, and you are not comfortable with it, you don't need to justify why you stay, but you need to find out why you do.

It would be a good idea to visit a shelter, or make an appointment to go and speak to a counsellor about your situation. She can advise you on making the transition to leave, and help prepare you with what you can expect in a practical way.

Shelters are there for a purpose, and you are very fortunate you have resources, and there are many. It was not too long ago in generations past, that entire lives of women in abusive relationships had no choices. It is still that way in some countries in this world.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, no excuses. You have choices to make, and you can easily start with just talking to someone. You don't need to make instant decisions, or expect to have to pack your bags in 20 minutes. But, considering all the women who paved this safe path for you over their lifetimes, I urge you to get the information you need to make informed decisions about your life.

talaniman · Jun 6, 2009, 12:13 PM

It appears a shelter is the only way you will be safe and get the support you need.

minaeve25 · Jun 24, 2009, 08:31 PM

Hi, I just wanted to update all of you good people who gave me advice. I left him 2 weeks ago. It truly was the best choice I've ever made. I'm much happier.
I was fortuate to not have to go to a shelter. My friend offered to let me live in her house. Its so peaceful.
I'm lonely a lot but its better to be lonely alone then when you're with someone.
He still says he won't sign divorce papers but besides that he's not giving me a hard time so far.
Thanks.

Justwantfair · Jun 24, 2009, 08:35 PM

Thank you for the update, great to hear you are making progress.
Keep us posted.
Good luck to you and God bless.

talaniman · Jun 24, 2009, 09:32 PM

You will find happiness without him. Glad you made the choice for yourself.

Jake2008 · Jun 24, 2009, 09:58 PM

What good news!

As one woman to another, you made me proud of you today! :)

Saleslady · Jun 26, 2009, 09:44 PM

This man is not going to leave you - he wants to control you. You are the one that has to leave him. If you stay what message are you giving your sons and daughters? Your daughters need to know that it is not acceptable to be treated like this. Your sons need to know that this is not the way to treat women. You have to be strong. This situation not only affects you but your children too.