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PatBateman · Sep 26, 2006, 12:47 PM

Ok, so I've been seeing this girl for about a month now and we really have great chemistry. In the beginning (my earlier posts) she wanted to hook up with me. It all began when she asked me to go home with her one night after we both attended a party, and I basically refused her advances 3-4 times and treated her with respect.

Well, as time went on, and we went on more and more dates, she confessed to me that she has feelings for me now and really likes me. That's good, because I like her a lot too. So, this past weekend, I was ready for sex, because I felt comfortable around her and after a month of getting to know her, I felt that it would be OK. So I tell her this when we're messing around on Sat night and she says no!!

I was like, "huh?"

She told me that now it's different because she has feelings for me and she doesn't want to get hurt. This doesn't make any sense because she obviously had no problems hooking up with 2 guys before me, and now I go out of my way and am better and nicer than the other guys and I can't get sex?

Someone please explain what's going on here.

Wildcat21 · Sep 26, 2006, 02:04 PM

Take your time bro - it's OK? You should respect her and what she says. You'll get yours IF you're cool about it.

Presleygall85 · Sep 26, 2006, 02:14 PM

There is nothing wrong with respecting her wish... you don't want her toregret it, right? Take your time you have plenty of time to get your freak on! :) If you show her you are willing to wait and respect her wish to not have sex right away, She will get more comfortable with you! Show her you won't hurt her take it slow! Enjoy her! With guys sex is sex! With girls sex could be two things:
1) just sex (never as good as lovemaking)
2) lovemaking (sex with emothions or feelings)
If she likes you then you are going to have to show her that it would be a good decision to have sex with you not a mistake!
Treat her wth respect and you should be just fine!

I know I know Girls are extremely hard to learn but you will get it through experience!

talaniman · Sep 26, 2006, 03:46 PM

What are you confused about? You said you respect her so go with the program and wait till she is ready. I suspect that you were ready and she wasn't, so slow down and be the gentlemen you say you are. She cares and doesn't want you to hurt her. She see's you as a future boyfriend ,not a roll in the sack, or a one night stand. If you can't handle it then be a man and move on now before you reek havoc on her life, or yours.

ndx · Sep 26, 2006, 03:54 PM

That doesn't really make sense...

Anyone would think she would be even happier to have sex with someone she actually likes, it really does make the whole process FEEL better!!

Its strange, because she's showing two very different sides, one that is the characteristics of a one night stander, casual sex, don't need feelings to feel comfortable, and the other is of a very "commited" person, who doesn't want to get hurt?! By having sex with someone who she feels might leave her afterwards... doesn't really makes sense.

All I can think is that if she was comfortable enough to have sex casually, and then not when feelings are involved, she's either VERY into you, and REALLY doesn't want you to leave (but why would you?)...

Or she heard a rumour you had Chlamydia or something.

J_9 · Sep 26, 2006, 04:08 PM

Actually it does make sense in a strange way. She wanted to be with you right away, she was not looking for a relationship then, just someone to "hook up with" (as you guys say it now).

Now that she is having feelings she would like the same respect you gave her in the beginning. She may feel that you are treating her as a "lady" and not just another piece of meat. From your post that she was able to hook up with the last 2 guys it sounds as though they were either one-night-stands or VERY short relationships.

You are doing the right thing. You were not ready in the beginning, she is slowing down now. You have plenty of time to explore each other in the future. Just go with the flow for now.

PatBateman · Sep 26, 2006, 05:13 PM

Originally Posted by ndx

That doesnt really make sence....

Anyone would think she would be even happier to have sex with someone she actually likes, it really does make the whole process FEEL better !!!!!

Its strange, because shes showing two very different sides, one that is the characteristics of a one night stander, casual sex, dont need feelings to feel comfortable, and the other is of a very "commited" person, who doesnt want to get hurt?!?!? by having sex with someone who she feels might leave her afterwards... doesnt really makes sence.

All I can think is that if she was comfortable enough to have sex casually, and then not when feelings are involved, shes either VERY into you, and REALLY doesnt want you to leave (but why would you?)....

or she heard a rumour you had Chlamydia or something.

I understand this train of thought, but it still doesn't seem logical to me. I mean, all of a sudden she has feelings for me so she doesn't want sex? You'd think it'd be the opposite?

Whatever, I don't really care about sex, its just that this caught me by surprised and made me develop a huge question mark over my head... lol.

talaniman · Sep 26, 2006, 05:29 PM

Its not that she doesn't want sex, she is unsure if you'll respect her the next day. Or worse case she is luring you into her web. You know her better than we do so you will have to be the judge.

Skell · Sep 26, 2006, 06:38 PM

You can't think with logic. Doesn't work that way.
This isn't a bad thing. This is good.
Show her the same respect for her wishes as she showed you at the begginning.
She sounds like a good girl in a lot of ways so respect her.
If you can't do that then what I have thought all along may be true. You aren't ready for a relationship yet!

Sorry but ill take a lot of convincing that after a 6 year relationship ending 2 months ago that you are ready to have another. I hope you can prove me wrong!

PatBateman · Sep 26, 2006, 06:45 PM

Originally Posted by talaniman

Its not that she doesn't want sex, she is unsure if you'll respect her the next day. Or worse case she is luring you into her web. You know her better than we do so you will have to be the judge.

Luring me into her web? What do you mean by that? I mean, if she has bad intentions, what could they possibly be?

J_9 · Sep 26, 2006, 06:47 PM

We don't know what her bad intentions could be... you know her and we don't.

Like T-Man said

"You know her better than we do, so you will have to be the judge."

s_cianci · Sep 26, 2006, 06:50 PM

You've been too much of a nice guy. Too much of a good thing is bad for relationships. In the future, don't refuse her advances if that's what you want. On the other hand, don't act like you want it so much, either. Make her pursue you. Don't plead with or cajole her but don't be stone cold either. At this point, just play it by ear. When she gives you signals that she's ready, go along with it.

PatBateman · Sep 26, 2006, 06:56 PM

Originally Posted by s_cianci

You've been too much of a nice guy. Too much of a good thing is bad for relationships. In the future, don't refuse her advances if that's what you want. On the other hand, don't act like you want it so much, either. Make her pursue you. Don't plead with or cajole her but don't be stone cold either. At this point, just play it by ear. When she gives you signals that she's ready, go along with it.

Exactly what I'm thinking.

See, maybe it was a good thing that I refused sex earlier, because I liked her and wanted to get to know her better than just a random girl I had a one nighter with. By refusing her, I think I may have tripped the alarm in her head that says "this guy is different" and now she's changing her game too.

It does seem like we're heading towards a relationship and I'm OK with that. We have really good chemistry.

s_cianci · Sep 26, 2006, 06:58 PM

Originally Posted by PatBateman

I understand this train of thought, but it still doesn't seem logical to me. I mean, all of a sudden she has feelings for me so she doesn't want sex? You'd think it'd be the opposite?

Whatever, I don't really care about sex, its just that this caught me by surprised and made me develop a huge question mark over my head...lol.

Really, I think it's just the usual psychological dynamic happening here, of wanting what you can't have.

In the beginning, she was coming on hot and heavy and he was restraining himself. That made her want it even more and come on all the more strongly. Now that he's indicated a desire to "go all the way", she suddenly backs off because now that it's available to her she doesn't want it, at least not as much as she did. That's why we keep constantly telling people here to back off and give space when they sense things are going sour in their relationships. The absence makes the heart grow fonder and serves to motivate the party that had previously been slacking. Suddenly interest level perks back up and things get brighter (assuming that the jilted party still wants the relationship to work out.) I think the same basic dynamic applies here. If she's backing off, then he needs to back off and make her miss him. That will probably light a fire under her, causing her to become more assertive and far less aloof. I know it sounds ironic, but to borrow Wildcat's expression, less truly is more.

PatBateman · Sep 26, 2006, 07:21 PM

Back off as in when I'm with her in bed? Like, tease her and just say "oh I'm tired...can we go to sleep?"

Or do you mean back off in general? I know it's never a good thing to smother someone, especially in the early stages of dating. It obviously kills all feelings of intrigue and mystery... I know this.

... which is why I'm taking a break from her this weekend. We've hung out 4 weekends in a row... I'm taking this one off to chill with some guy friends, and then the next weekend, we're going to New York for a day trip.

BTW, the other thing I need to know is how much is enough, and how much is too much, in terms of seeing/talking to each other at this early stage.

I've made it almost like a rule (for myself) to limit our visits to the weekends. Our weekends usually begin with me going to her place Sat evening and I spend the night and we hang out with mutual friends on Sunday. During the week, we talk on AIM 2-3 times and on the phone once.

Do you guys think this is too little? Too much? I feel like it might be too much, but who knows... there aren't really defined rules to this. I just want to keep that mystery alive between us.

PatBateman · Sep 27, 2006, 08:24 AM

I figured I'd ask this question in this section rather than in relationships since more of you may have asked this question yourselves.

I've been seeing this girl for a little over a month now, and we've been spending the weekends together. I'll go over her place Saturday evening and we'll go out for dinner, dancing, or whatever, and I'll stay over and chill with her for most of Sunday, and leave around 3 or 4pm.

During the week, we'll talk on the phone once, and chat online 2-3 times. I want to make sure I take things slow, and am a bit concerned that I may be allowing this to move too fast. I want to keep her interested, and keep myself mysterious I guess... haha.

When we do spend time together on the weekends, it's great. We never run out of things to say or do, and the interest level is high. She always initiates our online convos, and I make sure to end them at their peak, or end them after 15-20 min.

Am I doing good? Too much?

There are a few people on these boards who are familiar now with my situation, but I'd like to hear some fresh voices too from this section.

ladymuck · Sep 27, 2006, 08:34 AM

I think your way off 'too much' I've been seeing a guy for nearly 3 months and we have less contact with each other than you two do.. I personally would like it to be a bit more but guess I have to be patient and wait and see if he wants the same things from this as me.

So anyway.. after a month of seeing each other I think the amount of contact/time spent together is spot on.

Wildcat21 · Sep 27, 2006, 08:35 AM

No that's good for now.

But pulling back never hurt anyone. Gving too much always did.

It's good you'll be away. Don't call her 5 times each day.

PatBateman · Sep 27, 2006, 08:39 AM

Originally Posted by ladymuck

I think ur way off 'too much' ive been seeing a guy for nearly 3 months and we have less contact with each other than you two do.. i personally would like it to be a bit more but guess i have to be patient and wait n see if he wants the same things from this as me.

So anyway.. after a month of seeing each other i think the amount of contact/time spent together is spot on.

How often do you see/contact your guy?

The only thing that bothers me a bit is sleeping over her place every weekend. I've already seen her change and get ready, seen her come out of the shower, etc. It's a bit too much in my opinion. But the problem is that she lives a bit far away, so when I do go out there, I kind of have to stay over unless I want to drive home at 2am which would suck.

talaniman · Sep 27, 2006, 08:44 AM

Whenever your neglecting other parts of your life to be under a female then its time to back off. I've been married 32 yeears and my wife is part of my life, she is not my life. Never put another on a higher pedestal than the one your on. Life must be balanced to be a good life and you need to know how to keep it that way.