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I apologize for the length already, but to fully understand my situation i feel i have to give the whole story.
So this girl ive been dating for about 4 months now tells me she needs time to clear her head....well let me start from the begining
I met this girl at the gym ive been going to for years...She approached me
After a few weeks i notice how clingy and affectionate towards me she was, and to be honest it scared me some what, but i didnt run because i realized how much fun we had together and how much we both complemented each other. There were times when i told her i didnt feel like coming over and that i just wanted to hangout with my friends and it seemed like she would beg me to come or act sad that i was hanging out with just the guys.
Ok, so as time is going on we are spending a lot of time together (i thought it would be a mistake, but it just seemed to go right over my head because things were going great). So after all this time i started developing feelings for her because of what she told me, her affection towards me, and her eagerness to be with me.
So this leads to the first mistake i made we became offical (which i feel she gave me strong hints that she wanted to) but any way it was too soon, happening about a month and a half after meeting each other. I guess it just didnt seem that soon at the time because we were spending so much time together, nearly every day, and i felt like we both knew each other fairly well and had strong feelings for her.
About a month goes by. hits the fan one day after we had dinner and she ends up telling me shes still not over her previous relationship, doesnt want to be with him, just needs time to heal. And gave me a bunch of crap saying she feels like she cant give her full heart to me because shes not over that situation, but wants to be with me. She then says she wants to take a couple steps back and that she needs time to clear her head......now im confused and pissed, but i didnt show to much anger because im too nice of a guy and i still really liked this girl.
So i leave and dont talk to her the next day until she texted me that night, wich i made the conversation short, but not in an angry way. So then i dont initiate anything the next day because i figure she wanted time, but low and behold what does she do she starts texting me later that night and asks me to come over and hang out (second mistake i made....i went over and we had a good time and things were back to normal) I should have waited and for her to get her together....damn it
So the next month and a half we got a long great, but were back to being together nearly everyday.....which i did not initiate 80% of the time just because of what had happened before...her saying she needed time and all that crap. But things were going great and i was developing stronger feelings for her.
So during all these good times there were a few things that bothered me, but hey im an easy going guy so i didnt let it get to me to much. The things were she kept mentioning her ex boyfriend, just like the one day she made a big deal the when we saw his car. So i sat down with her and told her that her talking about her ex in front of me and telling me things about him makes me feel like just because you basically told me your still in love with him, but you say you dont want to be with him. I told her if she was still talking to him that i think we need to take some time apart which she says she only does occasionly. She starts to freak out and said, what is this it your just ending it?
So we talk a while longer i leave by giving her a long hug ( which i feel now was a goodbye one) and tell her goodnight. So when i get home she starts texting me your a great guy blah blah blah i never ment to lead you on....uhh well you did very good job at it (me thinking) I have strong feelings for you blah blah blah and then the classic phrase "i just need some time to clear my head" I say ok ill give your space to figure things out. She says i dont want this to be good bye and i agreed. She said thank you for understanding......ha at that moment i was so confused i was no where near fronm understanding.
So a friend of mine ended up seeing her out the one night and she was talking about our situation and said something like he wont even talk to me?"???? So then i decided to text her on the fourth (5 days after we had the talk) to wish her a happy one and i asked how she had been doing? She replies, "im alright.....happy 4th" and thats it. So then the next day she randomly texts me and says, "Hey i just say your mom." I reply, "oh did you guys talk." She says, "yea we had a brief convo" and that was it.
So all im asking for is for someone to read this and help me out. Should i move on? Was she just making an excuse to text me yesterday? Or what was that about because she didnt need to tell me that ya know? Do i initiate ne thing?? AHH im so confused and hurt
The first impression I get, is you had instinct telling you right from the get-go, that things were moving too fast, and it just wasn't 100% right.
Turns out you were right. She still has strong ties, and an unresolved relationship with her ex. When that happens, and she still brings him up in conversation, and freaks when she sees his car, are all signs that she has not allowed herself to get over him.
That could be because she doesn't yet want to let him go.
Nobody can have an honest relationship when they have one on the go from the past, and one on the go into the future.
That's why it is so necessary to have time to really get over somebody. You know when you reach that point, and you know when you are ready to give yourself to another person to try again. It takes a lot more than a few weeks, otherwise everybody gets short changed.
It's also worth considering that you were the rebound guy. You were there when she needed somebody, and she enjoyed your company, and wanted to push the past out of her way and skip all the steps she should have taken, in order to be free to explore a new relationship with you.
Don't let her think that you are waiting in the wings, or hanging on her every word. You did nothing wrong in wishing her a happy 4th, but sometimes that kind of innocent contact can be seen as you opening the door for more.
I think you can do better, and deserve better. Someone without a relationship still hanging on that is not yet put to rest. You don't need to be second fiddle to anybody.
Knock it up to a good learning experience, and one that your instincts were right on.
I guess i kind of figured out what you just told me, but just didnt want to believe it. Her calling me, always wanting to be with me, and bringing me around her family didn't help bring me back to reality either.
So heres my view on the situation even though its hard for me to even say. She basically used me to get over her lonelyness...which is what hurts the most becasue i now really care about her. I guess i feel dumb, hurt, and angry at myself for opening up so much.
Don't be too hard on yourself, we've all been there.
Think instead of all the good things you brought to that relationship, and where all those characteristics would have taken you with another woman, who could offer the same in return.
People deal with major events such as breakups in different ways. She probably knows its over with her ex, but she's not yet ready to let go. But as long as he's there, you are being short changed.
Who knows what lies ahead, but at least you have your dignity intact, and once the wounds heal, you'll be that much stronger and happier in the next relationship.
Update: So i went to the gym today just as i do every day, and i just so happen to run into her. (note: that this is where we met and worked out together twice a week)
I was walking up to get a drink and i saw her on the treadmill. We both smiled at each other...ok no big deal, not to awkward
Like 10 mins later she walks by me when im on a machine and i say hey and what ever
her: nice hair cutt (now she is a hair dresser and has been cutting my hair while we were dating)
me: what, whats wrong with it
her: looks at me, nothing and walks away
So i continue my work out and i dont know, but it seemed like every so often when i glanced over she was looking at me. So im on a maching and she comes up to me and says:"Are you almost done with that sir"
me: Yea just one more set but you can go ahead while i rest
After she gets done i ask her whats wrong with my hair cutt again and she tells me its all jacked up. I mean i dont have a sophisticated hair style just a fade ya know....i think i would be able to tell
Oh yea and then she just left with out saying bye or anything to me. I dont know i just figured she would and that kind of ruined my day of feeling back to myself.
So what does that mean? Anything, or am i just thinking into things to much.
What it sounds to me is it is over. Move on. Be pleasant to her, but don't engage her in conversations. She obviously has issues with her X and maybe those same issues she is now transferring to you. Who knows what is going on in her mind. But you don't need to be dealing with whatever it is.
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