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    TroubledMommy's Avatar
    TroubledMommy Posts: 1, Reputation: 1
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    #1

    Dec 11, 2006, 01:55 AM
    In Love/obsessed with a married man, very complicated!
    I'm struggling with my situation and would appreciate some feedback. Last year in June I met a man online through a local dating site. When we met in person we instantly clicked. He was just what I was looking for; funny, charming, successful, attractive, we shared the same views and I felt like we could talk about anything. He is 43 and I am 27. He treated me better than I had ever been treated and made me feel so appreciated for who I am. After a couple of dates he let me know that he is married and has three kids. I know what you're thinking, that should have been the end of the story, but of course there's more. He went on to tell me that he and his wife were still living together for the sake of the kids, but that his wife had had an affair two years prior and they slept in different rooms. He had been devastated by her affair and could not and would not forgive her, his feelings had changed. He wanted to continue seeing me. I don't know how much difference it makes, but if he were cheating on his wife, I would never have agreed, but she knew and accepted he was dating. So I told him that we could keep seeing each other but that I was not going to be exclusive, and I would keep dating other people. Well, as we spent more and more time together our feelings became stronger. He told me he loved me and we decided to look for a house. This was in the course of two months. We began looking for a place to live, even had a realtor. We looked all through the month of August and September. On October 3rd I discovered I was pregnant. We continued looking for a place and he became more distant and less interested in our search. I asked him about this and asked if he still wanted to move in together. His response was that he just didn't know. From that point it became an emotional rollercoaster for me. He no longer spent as much time with me, basically pulling away, yet still claiming to love me. I was scared about being alone and told him I didn't want to do the pregnancy alone yet found that I was alone most of the time. It was a very difficult time for me. My mom had died the same year in January and I was a wreck. I was at a job that I hated, but that I now needed to keep for the health insurance. Well, I ended up being fired at the end of November (soon after I let them know I was pregnant). They never gave me a reason. I was unemployed, pregnant, bills due, alone, a complete frightened mess. BD (baby's daddy) and I were still talking everyday but I would see him twice or three times a week maybe. At that point I was angry with him, I felt abandoned and floundering. He was free to live his life without real upheaval, going home to his comfy house, wife making him dinner, kids blissfully unaware, and here I was, my world had turned upsidedown. I was very emotional and needy which pushed him away. I asked him if he wanted to end things, but he didn't. I was scared to be a single mom and struggling with the decision to keep the baby. I decided to keep it, I had always wanted to be a mother. Then I decided to move back home where I am now.

    The remainder of the pregnancy was better, because I wasn't alone, living with my dad and sister. I managed to get another temp job that would take me right up to my due date. I was very worried about the financial aspect after the baby came. I wanted to stay home with the baby for six months. BD and I wrote an agreement that would allow me to get child support from him, plus an additional amount that I would pay back into a college fund for six months. Throughout the pregnancy, BD and I had many ups and downs. He would be upset about something and not contact me for days or ignore me. At one point he accused me of having sex with someone else during our relationship because he had acquired an std. This was falsified, but that week or so was hell. I have never cried so much or felt such deep hurt then when I was pregnant.

    Finally the due date arrived. BD was there the whole time, very supportive (even though he insisted on a paternity test). The first month with the baby was a blur. But things between the BD and I were better since I didn't have a huge belly anymore. I still had the hormonal emotionality though. An incident occurred that caused him to say he was "done." Meaning us. I had gotten upset about a comment he made about some woman we had encountered briefly. He decided he was done with the emotions, he couldn't deal with it and didn't want to. So we were done for a few weeks but of course he still would come over to see his son. August of this year we became involved again. He felt like I was back to how I had been when we first met, without the pregnancy hormones. I really was back to normal, I felt. Since then we've been pretty well, he still goes home to his wife and kids, but comes over everyday to see our son. Our son is six and a half months old now. I have made attempts to turn our relationship into a platonic one, but I have such strong feelings for him and because I see him everyday, it makes it near impossible. I love him, I am always so focused on him that it is starting to feel like an obsession. I don't know if that's because I don't work, my life is pretty small right now, taking care of the baby and seeing him. I want us to be together, to make a family with him, which he knows very well. He says he loves me and his ideal situation would be that we would live right next door to where he lives now so he could see his kids everyday, but this just isn't possible. I don't have any money, and the homes near him are very expensive.

    His kids now know about our son, they found out in August. BD and his wife told them what happened. The situation with the wife is that they have an "arrangement" where they discuss the children, and that sort of thing but don't talk that much. She is sticking around because she is hoping he will come around. She has begged him to forgive her but he won't. She makes a very good living so it's not because of the money. She wants to keep their family together. I think she might also be obsessed with him.

    No one else in his life knows about us except his brother. His mom and dad don't, his coworkers don't, no one else.

    I would love for us to be together. He loves me and our son, but he isn't going anywhere. Since I have no income, I can't contribute to a home for us right now. I would love to stay home with my son for a year (well, till he goes to school actually but not possible), yet I want to go out and get a job so that I can make an income and move in the right direction for BD. I would also like to get a home business going for design work but it's difficult with a six month old baby trying to get anything done.

    Maybe this seems like a no brainer to some of you, but I am totally in love with this man. I think he would be the ideal husband. He is such a wonderful father and has such a fun spirit. Just the other night we went and got a Christmas tree together and it was wonderful. I know I could be with him for the rest of my life, even though we had a tough time for awhile.

    What should I do?
    SouthernBelle06's Avatar
    SouthernBelle06 Posts: 166, Reputation: 83
    Junior Member
     
    #2

    Dec 11, 2006, 03:08 AM
    Hi TroubledMommy,

    You are in quite a mess and I don't even know where to begin...

    You are right. As soon as he told you he was married, you should have nipped it in the bud. But that doesn't help anything now. I know that you are in love with this man and want to believe his stories of how he and his wife live together for the kids' sakes only, sleep in separate rooms, haven't had sex for ages, aren't in love, etc. It's the oldest story in the book. I had a similar experience with an ex of mine where I got burned badly. He wasn't married, but may as well have been as his story is similar to what you are hearing from your guy. I think the same hurtful thing that happened to me will happen to you too, sorry to say.

    My ex and I had been off and on for years. I was always in love with him and always took him back after many breakups. During one of our "breaks", he got not just one, but two different women pregnant. He came back to me, telling me he still loved me though. What a joke! He lived with one of the girls, but said he didn't love her, they never had sex... he was only there for the kid and he couldn't afford child support, blah blah. I was stupid and actually saw him for a few months. Did I mention that I was stupid? I will reiterate that point often!

    Of course he came sneaking around my place, sleeping with me, complained how very unhappy he was with the girl he lived with. This went on for about six months. I was lonely at the time, which is why I was vulnerable to him I know now. Anyway to make a long story short, I found out that this guy had the girl he lived with pregnant a second time and was engaged to her... the whole six months he was supposedly trying to get back together with me! I found this out from someone else. The guy himself never told me these two important details. I had actually been dumb enough to think he was trying to break things off with her and didn't love her and really still loved me. I confronted him with what I found and he admitted it. I kicked him out of my apartment immediately. I was really hurt over all this and broke things off for good. I am so happy that I did now though. I wouldn't have this guy back for anything. He is trash. Yuk!! The thought of him and his lies makes me physically ill. Thank God I never got pregnant by him. I never have to deal with him again and don't plan to. Your situation is more complicated because of the child.

    The point is, I was a side dish and honey, so are you. The guy I was with wasn't even technically married and wouldn't leave his girl for me. I know you want to believe this guy and you love him. I know that you want to be with him and are hoping he will leave his wife and marry you. From what you are telling me, he is pulling away from you though. You said yourself he isn't going anywhere. I am worried that you are going to get hurt badly here. I have a feeling that this man will tell you one day that he is going to give it another try with his wife for the "kids' sakes" and will break things off with you. It may just have to be a harsh lesson to get you out of this situation. Maybe he is telling the truth, maybe he is unhappy at home. Then if so, he needs to end things properly with one woman before stringing another along. Despite the "excuses" he comes up with not to, you know deep in your heart if he loved you and not her, he would divorce her and marry you. We fool ourselves to avoid pain.

    You can't make him leave her, but you must make a final decision to be strong and tell him that you will see him and contact him for your child together only. Demand child support and tell him that until if and when he gets a divorce and is legally free, you will have nothing to do with him in a romantic fashion. Period! Then date other men who are available. As it is now, this married man is having his cake and eating it too. Why should he change a thing now? He has his comfy domestic life at home, you on the side demanding nothing... he isn't budging. He has no respect for any woman involved here. We teach people how to treat us and he is getting a free ride, playing both you and his wife. This situation will blow up in a lot of people's faces. If his marriage was a mistake, then he needs to do right by all involved and come up with a divorce rather than excuses. You can say you love him, so you will put up with this crap from him, but it is only you that will end up suffering in the end if you don't demand the respect of a proper relationship with him only when he divorces her. Most married men won't bother with that though. If not for the child you have with him, I would tell you to cut all contact with him immediately. Sorry if my advice is harsh, but I have been where you are in some ways. Getting myself out of the situation I was in with my "ex" was one of the best things I ever did for myself.

    Good luck to you whatever you decide.
    jean48329's Avatar
    jean48329 Posts: 10, Reputation: 1
    New Member
     
    #3

    Dec 11, 2006, 05:11 AM
    Oh Darlin... I have lived this one... it only leads to more of a mess, the longer this man stays in your life... It took me probably two years to get over the father of my son, who married me, but bailed out and moved in with another woman three weeks later... I was alone when my son was born... but ironically I knew in my heart I would be raising this child on my own.. he is now 16... but.. I have noo interest in him anymore.. yes, the saying "it too shall pass" does come to pass... but you have to find new interests,opportunities.. and it sounds like you have somewhat of a support group/system there for you.. which is wonderful... yes, you should have ran at first comment of "my wife and I sleep in seperate beds" but that's past tense... use today and the future to help yourself and more importantly... your child... he is the one you chose to bring into this world, so it is your responsibility not to give him complete confusion when it comes to his father.

    My son was never told how horrible his father was, I kept my mouth shut, but over the years, and all the unpaid child support, he was able to figure it out on his own... It's a difficult situation, but you sound like an intelligent woman. It won't change with him, believe me... a leopard doesn't change his spots.. and no, you cannot "fix" him! The song, "I can't make you love me, if you don't " applies strongly here... see a counselor if you must... do it , more importantly, for the welfare of your child!
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member
     
    #4

    Dec 11, 2006, 08:59 AM
    Get rid of this guy.

    WHY do women do this?

    Married guys 95% of the time NEVER leave their wife.

    How many lies can he tell you?

    Other women learn from this PLEASE!! You don't speak another word wit ha married man until the DIVORCED PAPERS ARE SIGNED AND HE HAS MOVED OUT - NO SOONER.

    He will continue to lie cheat and steal from you.

    If he can't tell his parents and his co-workers... you know it's wrong.

    All he wanted to do was sleep with you.
    valinors_sorrow's Avatar
    valinors_sorrow Posts: 2,927, Reputation: 653
    I regard all beings mostly by their consciousness and little else
     
    #5

    Dec 11, 2006, 09:11 AM
    What can I say here... some men love creating a harem, some women love being in a harem. If you aren't one of them, then you made some poor choices back there. It really is that simple. Tell yourself the truth and it will become easier to choose wisely. I don't mean to sound harsh, it is just how the world works... good luck!
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member
     
    #6

    Dec 11, 2006, 10:40 AM
    Remember ladies MANY married men WILL lie, cheat, steal to SLEEP WITH YOU!! That's it!! Nothing more to it.

    They Won't leave their wives. They WILL tell you their marriage is unhappy, divoce coming, blah, blah, blah.

    This is such a broken recortd here - in the last year I can think of 25 different women with the same situation.

    Laies - if he's MARRIED - he shouls be off limits to you - you don't want anythinng to do with him. You're just asking for MASSIVE amounts of hurt.

    Over and ove we see this.

    AND remember - if he is willing to cheat on his wife - he will cheat on you.
    Saintas's Avatar
    Saintas Posts: 64, Reputation: 1
    Junior Member
     
    #7

    Dec 11, 2006, 11:01 AM
    Let's play a game called how many mistakes have You done in this mess. No , really and sincere , can you see what have you done wrong?
    I believe here is not about this guy is about you , your choices, your acts , your facts .
    Here they are a lot of people concentrated about the others part guilt. But really is about what we did and how we will react .
    A mistake is something wrong that happened one time . The actions wich repeatedly and continued in wrong are matters of will .
    Don't beat me up for my bad english .
    ordinaryguy's Avatar
    ordinaryguy Posts: 1,790, Reputation: 596
    Ultra Member
     
    #8

    Dec 11, 2006, 11:24 AM
    Quote Originally Posted by TroubledMommy
    I am totally in love with this man. I think he would be the ideal husband.
    I can't believe you really said this after all he's put you and his family through. If you really believe this, I'm afraid there's not much any of us can say that will help you. I wish you well, but I'm afraid things will get far worse for you before they get better. You have a lot of painful lessons yet to learn.
    Wildcat21's Avatar
    Wildcat21 Posts: 3,582, Reputation: 435
    Ultra Member
     
    #9

    Dec 11, 2006, 11:46 AM
    Ordinary guy - SO TRUE!!

    He cheats o nhsi wife?? Then he is an ideal husband??

    Oh my god! Think wha the is putting his familt through. Ughhhhhh!!

    Horrible husband.

    Wake up!!

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