so here's the scoop - i've got a great career, great friends and family. and recently i finally met a man that i'm really excited about, but he was just separted from his wife of 3 years last november. i didn't realize how recent it was until we'd been dating for a few months and i got the details. i don't even think the divorce will be final until june. i think she left him, so i'm pretty sure he's dealing with a lot right now. i really like him, and he tells me he likes me, but he's not ready to commit to anything serious. i think he's doing the right thing for himself and his own healing by taking his time, but it's killing me! for a while i tried to hang in there 'casually', knowing he was free to date other people. but it was too hard on me. i got attached when we started getting intimate. and the more special moments we shared, the more scared he got. he kept saying things like 'you are dangerous for me - i could fall for you so hard. i better keep you at arm's length'. that didn't help me trying to keep it casual, and i started feeling crazy. so i've tried to pull myself back in and take a break for a while, let him do his thing. but i'm miserable not talking to him. i'm pretty much unhappy either way. i think he thinks i'm crazy at this point for going back and forth. but all that's going on is that i really like him and the timing sucks. what do i do? how do i keep his attention in a good way, without infringing on his space and time to heal? i am willing to wait if i felt like he'll come around, but part of me just thinks i'm setting myself up and he never will. aaaah. help.

kp2171

back off some.

personally, i think its going to take time for him to get over all the noise. i know in one case (not married) it took me nearly 2 years to get my head straight after a crash and burn relationship...

so... protect yourself and back off a little. if hes willing to chase you down, do the work it takes to "catch" you, then thats a strart.

still... ive had friends go through divorces and lose themselves to mindless, stupid actions for a year or two. im not saying you arent good for him, but i am saying the desire to fill an emotional void can cloud your judgement.

maybe all he needs is some time and some trust... but in the end, you dont want to be the "healer" in the relationship... you want someone who is willing to chase you because he is strong enough to do it.

not saying this guy is wrong for you... just saying i think your concerns are real, valid, and you need to act out of your own best interest, not his.

if he cant overcome his hangups, then he needs more time.

maria16

Even though he may seem like a central part of your life right now, you did have a life before him. Weigh in both pros and cons, if you feel like you are being more hurt than happy then walk away, or if you two are close enough, tell him what it is that would make you happy. Instead of settling for less than what you want or deserve, give it some time and back off...maybe he'll come around but don't hold your breath-keep busy, keep grounded. Bad timing is really difficult, especially when you are aware of how you two may be potentially compatible.