...and what should he expect from you?

I'm asking this question in relation to a thread I posted in the Relationship Section, but I'm just curious from a female's perspective as to what you all expect from a guy you just met on your first and/or second and third dates.

Do you expect the guy to make moves on you physically? Or do you expect that he keeps his hands to himself (not even holding your waist or hands) and just talk and get to know you? Would you prefer the guy to show some physical interest?

Conversely, what do you all expect a guy to expect from YOU? If you're really into him, what signs, if any, would you show on the first/second date?

RubyPitbull

Pat, my dear, you are really overthinking this and making yourself into an emotional mess. But, I will try to help and answer your quesions to give you some insight into the femal psyche.

Everyone is different and each of us expect different things out of a relationship. But, when you are just starting off, most women do not want a guy groping her or pushing her too hard for intimacy (that means, kissing, touching, hugging, sex). Initially, on the surface, like men, women respond to looks. But, after that, I for one, need to be able to find a mental connection in order for me to want more from a guy.

I like to talk with him about life in general, funny stories from both of our lives, my work life, my parents and friends. Very typical stuff. I expect the guy to want to do the same. I want to go out for dinner and talk. Go to the movies. I love to read and want someone who does the same so that we can trade books and talk about them. I keep up with the world news and want someone to do the same so we can have some fascinating discussions about our world views. I love antiques and love to browse junk shops and go to auctions from time to time. Those are turn ons for me if the guy is into the same things I am. Knowing that I can have a rational discussion with someone. Listening to their point of view. Asking questions without being argumentative and receiving thoughtful and thought provoking answers. Those are what I look for in a mate, and expect from him.

What I do not want is someone making me feel uncomfortable by trying to touch me too quickly. Don't start trying to kiss, hold my hand, or grope me while I am having a conversation with you. Personally, I like letting a man know when I am ready to initiate any physical contact. When a man does that too soon, he is coming on too strong and it is a bit scary and makes me push him away.

On first date. Talking about things I have heard on the news, telling funny stories about my past, asking about his life. I would like him to do the same. I like to keep things light and figure out from his answers whether I want to see him again. Do not want someone trying to get me into bed on the first date. Shows me where his priorities are at this point in time and my priorities are not there at this point. A hug and quick kiss at the end of the date are nice. They let me know he is interested in me.

On second date and third dates. Do something that you both have found you like doing through discussion on first date. Do those things and keep talking and getting to know each other. Talk about worklife, talk about friends, talk more about my likes/dislikes, his likes/dislikes. A longer hug and some good deeper kissing is very nice at the end of the date if I am interested and the opportunity presents itself.

I know you stated in an earlier post that you are not looking to get into a relationship right now. Well, expect most of those women who respond to you from Match.com to be looking to get into one. That is why they are there. Take your cues from what they say in their initial presentation of themselves. If they say they just want to date and not have a long term relationship, then okay. But, most do not do that when they turn to a dating place.

Hope this helps you.

PatBateman

Yeah that helped alot actually! I think I'm right on track then. I've pretty much done exactly what you just wrote, and I didn't even try to kiss her or whatever. Just hugs and holding her waist a bit while we walked. But yeah, I think alot.

RubyPitbull

Good. Glad I could help. You seem like a nice and thoughtful man. Most women like that. Just be yourself and don't worry. I am sure everything will fall into place as long as you are yourself and try not to be someone you are not. Don't listen to your guy friends. They don't have enough experience with real relationships to be in a position to dispense constructive advice.

PatBateman

Yeah, I am your textbook nice guy...lol. I guess I could stand to be a tad more aggresive but only unless the opportunity presents itself. It'd be wierd to do something out of context of the situation. It's just creepy and that would definitely end the date...lol.

RubyPitbull

Yes. It would most definitely be creepy if a guy I didn't know that well tried putting his hands all over me. I can positively state I would run in the opposite direction. When I was younger, that did happen to me. I have had stalkers. Very messed up and scary.

PatBateman

Ruby, what kind of signs do/did you give off to the guy that you wanted him to initiate affection? Maybe I'm just not reading this girl right or any girl for that matter...lol. Like, sometimes when we walked she'd brush up against me with her arm/body..i dunno if that was a sign..lol.

RubyPitbull

Like, sometimes when we walked she'd brush up against me with her arm/body..i dunno if that was a sign..lol

Probably not a sign. When you are walking side by side on a busy street/sidewalk, you have a tendency to walk closely because you don't want bump into the people walking from the opposite direction. Also, if it is cold out, you have a tendency to walk close. In both of those instances, sometimes you misstep and bump into your walking partner.

I saw your post on your other question about initiating contact. It will probably be when the two of you are sitting closely and speaking to each other. She will lean in closer than she normally has in the past, and will be staring directly into your eyes. That, my friend, is when you make your move. Any time before that, it is a gamble.

PatBateman

Hmm interesting. Now that you say that, she did kinda do that. On our first date, we'd talk but not look at each others eyes for long...we'd kinda look away at the table or behind one another.

This second date, when we were having coffee, she did lean in more, and we locked eyes when we talked for several seconds at a time. There was more of a connection and I guess we were both more comfortable.

But this girl has been really hard to read cuz she's kinda quiet and sometimes she'd walk ahead of me...lol. But she drove over an hour on less than a day's notice to see me, so she must see something she likes.

RubyPitbull

But this girl has been really hard to read cuz she's kinda quiet and sometimes she'd walk ahead of me...lol. But she drove over an hour on less than a day's notice to see me, so she must see something she likes.

That does say a lot Pat. Yes, I do think she likes you.

What I am talking about locking on your eyes, there is no hesitation, no looking away. You will kind of feel the sexual tension rising between you if there is chemistry. When you are in that position, with eyes locked and very close, you could always just ask her, "Can I kiss you?" I had that happen a few times and it was kind of a nice rush.