how do you decide whether or not a break up was the right choice?

yalie329 · #1 Jul 14, 2008, 09:12 AM

I broke up with my boyfriend of 8 months yesterday and I am feeling utterly horrible. I know that there was a reason for my wanting to do so; he was controlling and didn't trust me and was at a different stage of his life (I am focused on getting my degree from Yale and having a career, he hasn't figured out what exactly he's doing with his life at all) than me. And yet I know that his being controlling and asking a million questions and badgering me and making me cry (constantly, for months) was because he loved me. I am now very weak and vulnerable as a person, and asked to end the relationship because I didn't recognize myself any more. He promised to change and said I was making a mistake, and now I am starting to think that maybe I am. I'm trying to decide whether giving him another chance (which I've done before) is the right thing, or whether I should just suck it up and begin the healing process. Help!

N0help4u · Jul 14, 2008, 09:35 AM

I know that there was a reason for my wanting to do so; --answers your own ? right off the bat

he was controlling and didn't trust me and was at a different stage of his life --NEVER EVER a good sign and ONLY gets worse!

(I am focused on getting my degree from Yale and having a career, he hasn't figured out what exactly he's doing with his life at all) --he will always hold you back

And yet I know that his being controlling and asking a million questions and badgering me and making me cry -(constantly, for months) was because he loved me. --He has you totally confused and brainwashed!!!

I am now very weak and vulnerable as a person, and asked to end the relationship because I didn't recognize myself any more. --If you go back you NEVER will have an identity and know yourself or make any of your own decisions

He promised to change --They all say that to buy time

and said I was making a mistake, --of course he is going to make you doubt yourself after all he doesn't want you to think for yourself

and now I am starting to think that maybe I am. --NO you aren't making the wrong decision.

I'm trying to decide whether giving him another chance (which I've done before) is the right thing, or whether I should just suck it up and begin the healing process. Help!
--Your stronger self before would want you to dump him and get on with healing AND move on.

It only gets worse with a control freak. Once they know they have you to where they want you they control you more and more. Next it will be you are not allowed to go shopping. When you do you are only allowed three hours to get everything done and get back here. You are not allowed to talk to your friends. You are not allowed to talk to guys. You are not allowed to talk to girls. Oh you took 3 and a half hours to shop you must be 'doing it with your girlfriend'.
It never stays at controlling your career and what he would like. It goes from bad to worse through the years.
Don't end up in a bad situation

read my she stays

relationships

''rages" in his case equal control

I guarantee that IS what you are headed for if you take him back!

plonak · Jul 14, 2008, 09:35 AM

Ok so one thing.. people DO NOT change for other people... it doesn't happen... I have learned this numerous times through my relationships and friends relaitonships..

I see this story a lot.. the girl gets fed up and breaks up with the guy, and then the guy begs for forgiveness and promises to change and the girl takes him back... and three weeks go by and the girl sees no change.. and breaks up with him again.. and the chain continues..

So, you feeling like this is normal.. you're feeling like you've made a mistake and that you're going to miss out if you don't take him back.. so say you do take him back.. well things will be ok for a week or so.. and then things will go right back to where there were again...

I believe that people don't change for other people because they just say that so they can get you back, but deep down inside they truly don't want to change and will not.. they need something to happen.. that puts them at rock bottom for them to make the decision to change.. you can guide someone to change though.. you can help them find the resources to help them.. for example a theripist... but they really have to go to a therpist with an open mind or nothing is going to happen there..

So, it's really your decision.. can you live with this behavior? can you truly be with him if he doesn't change? Doesn't seem like it.. so just know this, that if you take him back.. he will make promises up the gazu but more than likely nothing is going to happen.. and you're going to have to live with your decision.. and you will probably end up breaking up with him again.. and really by taking him back again, all your doing is prolonging the pain.. but it's up to what you can live with

brkfstatiffs · Jul 14, 2008, 10:40 AM

As hard as it is, I think you should move on, focus on YOU, and begin to heal. I don't think any guy who makes your cry for months is worth it - i've been there myself, and won't ever let it happen again. There are plenty of fish in the sea. Not to mention, if you are in college - you should have fun! Think how horrible it would be to be done with school, end a relationship etc - then you will probably regret not breaking it off sooner. All in all, take a week or two to think about what you want and go with your gut feeling. In the meantime, occupy yourself, hang with friends etc.

yalie329 · Jul 14, 2008, 11:29 AM

I am feeling very ambivalent...I was beginning to think I should give him another chance, and then I was at lunch during work and one of the other interns had to come find me to say that this guy was calling and asking for me a few times, saying that it was an emergency and needed to speak to me. I know this is irrational and can jeopardize the reputation I have built up at my job...And yet I still feel so bad...Is it that being in a controlling relationship just makes you feel so weak that everything just seems that it can be forgiven?

N0help4u · Jul 14, 2008, 11:48 AM

Yes you will feel a need to give in to him because it is where HE has you!
Do not feel obligated to him.
Saying something is an emergency is just another one of the tactics
the sooner you open your eyes to what he is really all about the better.

Do you really want a relationship where you always have to question your judgment?
where he tells you when and where you can go and what you can do?
Where he checks the caller ID and messages to see who you talk to?
And questions you and insinuates you are lying no matter how truthful you are?
Where he reads the odometer every time you take the car and every time you return?

brkfstatiffs · Jul 14, 2008, 12:03 PM

You should not let a guy make you cry, or jepordize your career. He is NOT worth it. MOVE ON



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