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I like this guy at work and I want to hang out with him outside of work (maybe even as a date), but I really don't want to wait around for him to ask me because he may never do it. Here's the thing though. I don't know if he is single or taken. How do I go about asking it without it looking like I'm trying to figure out if I can have him? And if he doesn't have a gf, how do I ask him out? I am not used to the whole girl asking guy out thing, I usually wait for the guy to ask me, but I feel like I lose so many opportunities by waiting and want to just come right out and ask a guy out. I'm really shy so this isn't easy for me and I have no idea what to do.
What I would do is just ask him and if he says no take it as hey I found out if he likes me or not and that is all that matters. But if he says yes ask him if he likes coffee and take him out a your treat.
Yes, you do sound a little confused, but isn't that supposed to happen at some point in your life? In time, you will figure it out.
I always thought that if you have to "hide" anything from your parents (or anyone important in your life for that matter) it is not worth it. Yes, you don't have to introduce EVERYONE to your parents, but eventually the more serious relationships you will have to. Eventhough your original intention was not to get serious with this person and that eventually you would be ending it, you also ran the risk of developing more intense feelings for this person than you originally anticipated, which would definitely put yourself in quite a predicament. IF that would have happened (which I understand did not happen) you would most likely have felt that you had to CHOOSE your parents over your "boyfriend" (or the other way around). No one has the right to give you an ultamatim. I was in a similar situation myself and it is not a good position to be in. I was at a rebellious point in my life and chose unwisely because I felt pressured by my then boyfriend. I know that I am going way over the top here because I know that you do not have serious feelings for Divinci (or anyone else at this specific time), but I feel that I still have to say this. My situation you ask? When I was 19, I met someone at college, fell in love and then introduced him to my family. My family initially did not like him, saying that he was rude, controlling, etc. I quickly made excuses for him, saying that he only did those things because he cared for me. After a while, because my family only wanted me to be happy, they bit their tongue and did not intervene in my choice. This boyfriend eventually became my husband and we had two beautiful children. What went wrong you ask? My then husband emotionally and verbally abused me. He also tried to keep me away from my family and friends because he knew that they saw through him (not giving me messages when my family called, intercepting and throwing out invitations that came in the mail for things that he did not want me to go to, etc). This ended in a bitter divorce, which has taken a toll on my two children.
I know, you are NO WHERE near any of that at this point. However, you never know who you will meet in the next coming months or a year. In what I have read in your posts, you remind me so much of myself that it is scary. I also did not want to hurt anyone's feelings, etc. It is almost like I want to "warn" you about things that could happen. But then again, no one can predict the future. I just don't want anyone to have to suffer in the same ways that I suffered. Sorry for the long post.
In my long post, I forgot to state what I thought about the Gospel situation. Ask him out to a movie, etc. You are not in a committed relationship with Divinci. If you feel bad about doing this, then there is something deep down inside that you are not acknowledging. Maybe you have stronger feelings for Divinci than you realize. Or, you could be so concerned about what other people will think about you that you find it difficult to make any decisions on your own (look up the term codependency). Find strength within yourself.
Mom,
No need to apologize for the long post. It is much appreciated. I finally came to the same conclusion: the if you have to hide it from your family then it isn't worth it.
Huno,
What happened? Well I went on a two week vacation. Being apart from Divinci was not difficult for me. I actually missed Gospel more. And I haven't seen Gospel yet since returning from vacation. I made me think a bit. I feel like I really only liked Divinci because he was different then what I "knew" and because it was almost a rebellion. I hate feeling controlled by my parents. Nothing went sour. He still thinks everything is okay, mainly because when I'm with him I don't second guess myself, but when I am alone I do (a lot). My best friend had that problem. If you don't want to be with someone at all times, does that mean you might not really want to be with him? And since I can't really have a relationship with him and I am slightly uncomfortable out in public with Divinci, maybe I should end that relationship.
Mom,
I posted as you posted your shorter post. I already do go out with Gospel to movies and lunch and dinner, etc. I feel like Gospel and I seem to be "dating"... whereas Divinci and I just meet in secret. I like that Gospel and I can just go out and I can tell my mom that I am going out with him. With Divinci, I don't feel like I can talk to my mom about him.
EDIT: Divinci knows about the fact that Gospel and I go out. I don't hide that from him. But, also, the "dates" aren't technically "dates". But, I find myself wishing they were. I guess I just need that aspect of a relationship and I can't have that with Divinci. That also brings up the "settling" issue. I don't feel that Gospel would be settling. I think that I might have actually strayed away from him because he was exactly what I wanted. Maybe that scared me because it was too easy. Relationships have never been easy for me.
Keep in mind that relationships are not easy for anyone. They are always hard work. Like you, I gave up a boyfriend in high school because it was too easy and he liked me "too much". Now, I wish that I would have stayed with him and maybe things would have been different. Oh, the shouldas, couldas, wouldas!!!! Why is that we women like challenges in relationships?
Hm... so are you saying then that you think you're falling for Gospel, and you think there's not much of a chance because everyone thinks you're going out with Divinci?
Well, I would have two comments about that:
1) I think you can still go out with Gospel, but if I were you I'd be a little slick about it. I think you should gradually start flirting with Gospel more and hanging out with Divinci less. The goal would be to take it slow. This will make things look more natural, and also deals with my 2nd comment:
2) I get the feeling you're the type of girl who wants what she can't have. In other words, you wanted Divinci, and now you have him: now you can't have Gospel and suddenly you want him. Am I right? I correlate this to my first comment in the sense that, if during this "transition" you find yourself wanting to go back to Divinci, you give yourself some breathing room (as opposed to throwing yourself at Gospel 100%, in which case it would look weird if you suddenly fell for Divinci and wanted to go back to him again).
And YES, I lament that women always go for the wrong guys... because I'm always the right guy that gets dropped for the losers. Someday, that'll change...
Gospel moves in three weeks.... there isn't time for "gradual" change.... I introduced him to my brother and his girlfriend.... they both love Gospel.... and I really am excited about that becasue family is important to me and I feel like they should like who I date.... Divinci is NOT the right guy for me... I don't know why I didn't go with Gospel the first time, but now I realize my mistake.... relationships are always tricky for me.... I think I was scared because I am always the one who gets dumped and it hurts to be dumped, but I guess i need to put that aside and take a chance..... so GOSPEL is who I am going to go after because he is someone I CAN introduce to my family and I like him A LOT A LOT A LOT!... he's adorable and such a sweetheart.....
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