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I like this guy at work and I want to hang out with him outside of work (maybe even as a date), but I really don't want to wait around for him to ask me because he may never do it. Here's the thing though. I don't know if he is single or taken. How do I go about asking it without it looking like I'm trying to figure out if I can have him? And if he doesn't have a gf, how do I ask him out? I am not used to the whole girl asking guy out thing, I usually wait for the guy to ask me, but I feel like I lose so many opportunities by waiting and want to just come right out and ask a guy out. I'm really shy so this isn't easy for me and I have no idea what to do.
Carrot - I think you should continue to pursue him. Don't assume that he likes the other girl, as you don't know for a fact. It may be a coincidence that she is always present when you and he talk. Another idea: Clip something out of the newspaper that would interest him and give it to him. I don't think that the other girl would think about doing this and this would give you the advantage because you are showing that you are hearing him, not just listening to him. Clip something out of the newspaper about something going on that interests you and him and then invite him to go with you.
Gospel - The fact that you know that he is interested in you means that the challenge is gone. Think deep down about why you are not interested in him. Really soul search. Make a pro and con list of the qualities and then decide. If the attraction is just not there, then it is not there and you cannot force it. However, don't continue to lead him on. Be straight forward with him about your feelings. If you just want to be friends, then tell him that. Think of the way that you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed.
Divinci - He has a girlfriend. Stay away from him. If he breaks up with her, then maybe. However, I think that you are conflicted on this one and that he never really was one of the ones you were truely interested in anyway. You may be just interested in adding him to your collection for attention seeking purposes only, to say that there are numerous guys out there who want you.
Mr. Good Bar - Again, this one has a girlfriend. I don't care if things are not going well with her. He is still living with her. Why? If it is so bad, then why won't he leave? He is not married so don't let him tell you that it is a difficult situation. He wants his cake and eat it too. As long as he is still living with her, you will never be the number one. I think that he is a player, plain and simple. Be very careful with this one and go with your gut instinct. If it does not feel right, then it probably is not right. So many girls/women make the mistake of not listening to their guts and this gets them in trouble. Remember, if he can do it once, he will do it again. What happens if things do move forward, you move in together and things get kind of difficult. Don't kid yourself that things would be different. He most likely would do the same things to you. Finally, drunken advances are never a good thing. He knows that you do not have a lot of experience, that you are vulnerable and he is feeding on this.
Ulitimately, you are the one to make the decision. Good luck to you. Bottom line, you need to find out why you are in the situations that you are in and then you will be able to make better decisions.
MOM... your advice was so clear and actually helped me lots. I have thought about things and have definitely decided that I want to pursue Carrot. He seems the most genuine out of the four. He's sweet, respectful, and is probably the only person at my work willing to help other people do their jobs. He actually asks ME if I need help. Usually I have to beg people to help me out. So basically, he is cute and has an awesome personality. That pretty much makes him amazing to me. The only problem is my self-confidence is down the tubes when I'm around a guy with all them qualities. Almost as if I don't deserve him.
The only problem is my self-confidence is down the tubes when I'm around a guy with all them qualities. Almost as if I don't deserve him.
Well, speaking from personal experience, I can tell you that this can be a very debilitating problem. I personally suffered from low-self esteem for many, many years (actually, I'm not completely over it, but it's getting better). It's hard to "be yourself" when you think "yourself" isn't good enough.
Low self-esteem can arise as a result of many factors, though one that I was personally affected by the most was paying too much attention to other people, particularly people who were critical, obnoxious and just straight up bad.
What I learned is that I tended to pay attention to a select few individuals instead of looking at the "bigger picture." I always thought that, because one or two people didn't like my ways and were constantly on me about how I'm not funny or I'm not personable or whatever, I shouldn't be myself in public--I always thought I should just keep my mouth shut and never say anything. Well, I started realizing that a few people don't make up a majority and I started paying attention to the big picture.
Now that I am more objective about things, I am a much more mellow person. And I'm comfortable making racy jokes about how you should be wearing scandalously revealing outfits.
What I'm trying to tell you is that you probably have no reason to have low self-esteem. You're very personable and you should be yourself, confident that people will like you for who you are.
You absolutely have what it takes to get yourself a tasty nutritious Carrot. Go for it!
well i found out today... Carrot has a girlfriend according to Divinci. What's sad though is that Divinci said to me that I could probably take him away from her and I was like "really? how long have they been dating"... and then i realized that the whole concept was a BAD IDEA and i told Divinci that I wasn't going to meddle with that. So no Carrot, no Divinci, and no Mr Good Bar. All that's left is Gospel and I am not attracted to him. I'ts funny how life works.
Yes, it's funny how life works sometimes. Unfortunately. But if Gospel is not for you, don't worry. There are other better Carrots out there.
But still, you should find out by yourself directly from Carrot whether he has a girlfriend or not so that you can have this whole story clear once and for all.
Whatever he's gonna say, you'd still have him as a friend, won't you?
Of course I would still have him as a friend. He's a very nice guy, funny, smart, and ambitious. I just wish he was single. But, since he's not. Maybe in the future he will be. But, by then I'll probably have moved on.
It's always good to have friends. If only for dating purposes, they can introduce you to other people and pretty soon you'll have a whole variety of Carrots, Cucumbers, Tomatoes, and other such varieties of vegetables to choose from.
I agree with Kristynn. You should ask Carrot. That way you will know for sure. If he DOES have a girlfriend, DON'T pursue him any further, as cheating or going after someone who has a significant other is NEVER the right thing to do. I would still talk to him as a friend even if he does have a girlfriend; there is nothing wrong with that.
I have a question, what is the rush to have a boyfriend? The fact that you said that "All that's left is Gospel and I am not attracted to him. I'ts funny how life works" kind of makes me feel that you would rather be with someone than be alone. There are so many people in this world and you are existing in only a small fraction of it. If you don't like what you see, PLEASE keep in mind that you have a lot more living to live, a lot more places to see and a lot more people to meet. There is nothing wrong with being alone, being selective and not settling. Always try to identify what it is you want in a relationship and make sure that it is realistic. In other words, wanting someone who has the bank account the likes of Donald Trump and thinking that there will only be good times is being unrealistic. However, wanting someone who communicates with you, treats you the way that you want to be treated and knowing that there will be good times AND bad times, even in the best of relationships, is being realistic.
You may want to look up what codependency means because people who suffer from low self-esteem often fall into this category. I know that I did!!! Your only true happiness will come from yourself and not from someone else. Finally, keep in mind that even the most secure people suffer from low self-esteem at times. After all, that is what makes us human; it is called feelings.
Keep your head high and keep your focus on the things that are important to you. Stop worrying about what people think about you because then you are not being yourself. Be true to yourself and most likely people will be true to you.
Again, sorry for the long post. I just saw a lot of the same things that I was feeling when I was your age. I just wish that I knew then what I know now!!!
I agree with Kristynn. You should ask Carrot. That way you will know for sure. If he DOES have a girlfriend, DON'T pursue him any further, as cheating or going after someone who has a significant other is NEVER the right thing to do. I would still talk to him as a friend even if he does have a girlfriend; there is nothing wrong with that.
I have a question, what is the rush to have a boyfriend? The fact that you said that "All that's left is Gospel and I am not attracted to him. I'ts funny how life works" kind of makes me feel that you would rather be with someone than be alone. There are so many people in this world and you are existing in only a small fraction of it. If you don't like what you see, PLEASE keep in mind that you have a lot more living to live, a lot more places to see and a lot more people to meet. There is nothing wrong with being alone, being selective and not settling. Always try to identify what it is you want in a relationship and make sure that it is realistic. In other words, wanting someone who has the bank account the likes of Donald Trump and thinking that there will only be good times is being unrealistic. However, wanting someone who communicates with you, treats you the way that you want to be treated and knowing that there will be good times AND bad times, even in the best of relationships, is being realistic.
You may want to look up what codependency means because people who suffer from low self-esteem often fall into this category. I know that I did!!! Your only true happiness will come from yourself and not from someone else. Finally, keep in mind that even the most secure people suffer from low self-esteem at times. After all, that is what makes us human; it is called feelings.
Keep your head high and keep your focus on the things that are important to you. Stop worrying about what people think about you because then you are not being yourself. Be true to yourself and most likely people will be true to you.
Again, sorry for the long post. I just saw a lot of the same things that I was feeling when I was your age. I just wish that I knew then what I know now!!!
Mom,
I am definitely NOT settling. I was more reacting to the fact that I had had so many choices of guys, but the one guy I wanted to have a relationship with was already taken. I am NOT going to go out with Gospel for this reason. I am NOT thinking about dating Gospel at all. I am definitely okay with being single. I am NOT okay with being alone however. So I will continue to talk to these guys as friends and I will definitely spend time with them. And maybe down the road I will be attracted to Gospel in that way, but right now, No. The original intent of this thread was how to break away from my shyness and ask Carrot out. But along the way a few things happened which kind of confused me. I am a girl who likes to please. Saying no to Mr Good Bar when he asked me out was hard because I know it kind of took a chunk out of his confidence. I don't like being rejected and, in turn, I don't like rejecting people. That was the main issue here. I didn't know if maybe I should give Gospel and Mr Good Bar a shot. But your advice helped in that I finally accepted what I already knew which is that I have to stick to my morals. I shouldn't go after someone who has a girlfriend and I shouldn't let them come after me. I also shouldn't lead someone on.
A relationship is something that I am ready to experience and that I WANT to experience. However, it doesn't define me. I do not NEED a boyfriend. Maybe a few friendships would be better. No pressure and most likely no hurt.
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